David Hasselhoff presented an award at last night’s European Music Awards in Berlin, located in the country we can blame for his music career. And since he walked onstage to “Looking for Freedom,” and since he was in the city where the Berlin Wall fell, and maybe because he was wearing a sequined suit, and especially since he was drunk, the Hoff took the opportunity to slur his way through a Cold War history lesson. And let me give this next statement its own all-caps paragraph:

THE. VIDEO. IS. AWESOME.

The level of drunkenness is just truly remarkable. Like, I drink a lot, but when I see this I’m all, “Phew, at least I don’t have a problem.” What a marvelous destructive addiction he has. He knew he had to go on TV, and he didn’t just have a couple of nips of grandfather’s cough syrup to get loose. He probably washed down some horse tranquilizers with a fifth of vodka. I think he’s moved up to a second-round pick in next year’s celebrity death pool.

Wanda Sykes’s new late-night show debuts tomorrow on Fox, and although I’ve never particularly liked her comedy, I have to admit that my curiosity’s piqued. Why? Because even though she’s an unattractive black gay woman and I’m a handsome white ladykiller, we can at least agree on one thing: booze. Well, booze and being attracted to women. But let’s stick to booze for the purpose of this post.

Sykes will conduct a discussion similar to Bill Maher’s, but not as serious or confrontational. The panel will sit at a bar, complete with cocktails.

“I’m not going to work this hard and not be able to drink,” she told critics via conference call this week. “I want you to feel like you’re hanging out at my spot, seeing my friends.” She’ll sip vodka and club soda since, “If you spill it, there’s no problem with wardrobe.” [Denver Post]

I don’t know. I can’t convince myself that I’ll enjoy watching Sykes, but I definitely appreciate her drinking on television. At the very least, it’ll be better than “Mad TV.”

I don’t watch cable news because I don’t appreciate the absurdly high yelling-to-actual-violence ratio (if you talking heads are gonna shout each other down, at least finish the argument with a knife). But I’ve seen enough clips to get a feel for Glenn Beck, Fox News’s version of a “kind of but not really serious but actually kind of serious” Stephen Colbert. Whether his audience takes him at face value or not, Beck’s anti-intellectual fear-mongering hysteria adds nothing substantive to the nation’s political discourse.

All of that is a way of introducing Jon Stewart’s sudden, unannounced Glenn Beck impression during last night’s “Daily Show” that went on for eight and half minutes. As good as it is, I don’t think I laughed once. I found it more sad than funny. Then I read a list of cats with fraudulent diplomas and pretended the cats were wearing wigs when they received them, and then I felt a lot better.

When Reebok came out with the first ad for its EasyTone shoes that supposedly work your glutes and hamstrings more than other shoes, I was both surprised and pleased at the blatant sex appeal they used to sell their product. However, with two new spots (see below), Reebok has made it clear that it’s not just one sexy ad: it’s a sexy ad campaign. And it’s gonna deliver nothing but great-looking asses and oiled-up legs.

Some people have wondered why Reebok is using ads with sexy women to sell a product to women, but there’s a little model for success that you may have heard of called “Victoria’s Secret.” Seriously, it’s almost Christmas time and I’m thinking about buying EasyTones for any and all female acquaintances. “Hey honey, give these a chance. If they work like they’re supposed to, we should go out.”

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Seven episodes into its first season, “NCIS: Los Angeles” has already sold the rights to air its episodes in syndication. USA, which also airs re-runs of the original “NCIS,” has bought the rights at a staggering $2 million an episode.

USA will have the right to air the show weekly beginning in Sept. 2011 and will start stripping the episode in 2013…

The unusually quick deal is testament to the popularity of the “NCIS” brand — and the ability for top cable networks to capitalize on crime procedurals in syndication. In its seventh season, “NCIS” has grown to become the most-watched drama series on broadcast, while its USA repeats are the most-watched syndicated crime drama, averaging 3.5 million viewers.

To put that in perspective, the average repeat of “NCIS” on USA draws about as many viewers as the original and highly acclaimed “Sons of Anarchy” does on its best night. And every time I realize something like that, a little piece of me regrets having ever served my country. So please, America: stop watching CBS’s recycled crime dramas, especially in syndication. Do it for the troops.

As noted yesterday, Conan O’Brien had William Shatner read Levi Johnston’s tweets, which included statements about looking to acquire marijuana. Of course, the Twitter feed was fraudulent, and Johnston’s lawyer issued a demand for a public apology. Because Levi Johnston is such an upstanding public figure, you see.

So Conan issued an awesomely insincere apology, then brought Shatner out to read actual quotes that Johnston has said that make him look like an ass. It’s delicious. He did everything but put air quotes on his apology. That’s what I always do. Gosh, I’m real “sorry” about exposing myself on that subway car, your honor.

(If you don’t like the Hulu player, the NBC player is below.) Read the rest of this entry »