Ultimate Air Jaws / Into the Shark Bite (Discovery, Sunday) — These two one-hour programs kick off Shark Week. And you know what they say:

Rubicon (AMC, Sunday) — Series premiere. Yes, the premiere episode has already been shown twice, but AMC is going to show it again with the not-yet-seen second episode as a lead-in to “Mad Men.” I wasn’t completely wowed by the premiere, but I’m going to stick with it and hope that the slow build leads to a gratifying payoff. Kinda like taking your time when masturbating.

Best Food Ever (TLC, Saturday) — The punctuation for this show is all wrong. It should be “Best. Food. EVER!”

Pit Boss (Animal Planet, Saturday) — I wonder if casino pit bosses are upset that they’re being portrayed as dwarf ex-convicts who work with dogs.

Late Show with David Letterman (CBS, Friday) — Madonna and Harry Connick Jr are the guests, making this the can’t miss late-night show of 1990. Just the way CBS’s viewers like it.

Next Food Network Star (Food, Sunday) — The aspiring Guy Fieris cook for Eva Longoria. Nothing about that sentence is remotely enticing.

Ice Road Truckers (History, Sunday) — Featured this week: the truckers drive on icy roads.

The disheveled, heavyset fellow you see in the background is Paul Yarrow, a 38-year-old caretaker from South London who showed up in at least 20 different newscasts over the last few months (watch a compilation of his newsbombing below). Unfortunately, Yarrow isn’t one of those jolly fat people who does things for laughs. He’s making a statement about society, maaaannnn.

“It is a statement about the image conscious media. I am overweight and people like me are treated as unsightly because of the way they look.”

He added: “Here I am. I am sorry I don’t have a suit and that I am not lovely and slim. Being overweight I get ignored. I could have a valid point about something but the microphone is always passed to the person alongside me.

“The point I am making is that the more you push me aside, the more I’m going to be determined to make my presence known.” [Evening Standard via Geekosystem]

That’s odd; I watched all the clips of him in the background, and no one actually pushes him aside. Listen, tubs, I wanna have your back here, but you gotta give me something to work with. Clown shoes, the Truffle Shuffle, breaking furniture when you sit on it — something to make you a sympathetic character.

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As the network executives conduct their press tours, we’re getting some decent tidbits about next fall’s shows. For example, Angela Bromstad, NBC’s president of primetime entertainment, announced that “30 Rock” is planning on doing a live show next season, with the cast performing live for the Eastern and Central Time Zones, and then a second time for the West Coast. She didn’t specify anything about the Mountain Time Zone. Poor Mountain Time Zone. You only matter when people go skiing.

Anyway, I like the move. Enough of the actors on “30 Rock” have “SNL” experience that it shouldn’t be too big of a leap, so it should be a good way to showcase the very funny cast plus whatever hat Judah Friedlander wears that week. That guys is f*ckin USELESS. He’s like teats on a boar hog. Unfunny, cancerous teats.

Lizzy Caplan, who won over critics “Party Down” and my boner in “True Blood,” is now developing a comedy for HBO that looks to be her first major starring role.

HBO is teaming with Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s Gary Sanchez and actress Lizzy Caplan to develop a comedy series project based on actress/writer Julie Klausner’s memoir I Don’t Care About Your Band…

The book, a gritty but comedic look at what it’s like to navigate the dating world in your 20s, chronicles Klausner’s experiences from her preadolescent sexual awakenings through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. [Deadline]

In case you’ve got a scoreboard keeping track of this at home, Caplan’s rise to starring in an HBO series officially drops Lindsay Lohan to fourth place in the category of “Success of young actresses from Mean Girls” (Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried still have the top two spots).

Lacey Chabert, meanwhile, is a tampon commercial away from bumping Lohan to fifth. Ladies, let that be a reminder to you: leave the cocaine abuse to strippers and Lawrence Taylor.

The delightfully lowbrow “Jersey Shore” returned last night, with our favorite Guidos moving south from Seaside Heights down to MIA, which is Miami. (The Situation doesn’t assume you have intuitive skills, which is actually quite thoughtful of him.)

BuzzFeed has assembled the best quotes from the Season 2 premiere, but here are the moments that rounded out my top five:

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“Caprica” is Syfy’s “Battlestar Galactica” prequel that has a small but loyal following, and this is the trailer that debuted at Comic-Con for what’s being called “Season 1.5.” Why is it being called Season 1.5? you ask. I could probably find out, but I don’t really care. It’s the sort of things that regular TV-watchers would be put off by, but sci-fi geeks have no problem saying things like, “I’m really excited for Season One and a Half.” What can I say, nerds love fractions.

Anyway, the first minute or so of the trailer was astoundingly dull to me, but then we got a little more of Eric Stoltz — who’s always watchable — plus more action, Cylons, and hot-ass hipster pygmy Alessandra Torresani. I don’t like to make assumptions about people I’ve never met, but she seems like the kind of girl who can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina. Perhaps that’s just wishful thinking. “You can saaaaay I’m a dreamer / But I’m not the only one…”

(Images 2-5 are high-res. To view them full-size, click the thumbnail, then right-click the image and select the appropriate viewing option.)