Past Life (Fox) — Series premiere. From Yahoo: “Dr. Kate McGinn, a paranormal psychologist who studies the soul, and Price Whatley, a skeptic NYPD detective who tolerates nothing but hard facts, join forces to solve ancient mysteries. By delving into clients’ past lives and out-of-body experiences, the pair cracks cases that have eluded traditional investigators for years.” In short: they use reincarnation to solve crimes. The reviews are calling the writing for the show “shockingly bad.”

American Idol (Fox) — I haven’t seen anything more than “Pants on the Ground” this season, so I don’t know what’s going on, but I think this is the judging debut of Ellen Degeneres. At the very least, it’ll be a good lead-in for “Past Life” before that show flames out.

Lost (ABC) — On tonight’s episode, things you can’t explain happen.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (VH1) — Do you want to be terrified by this show? Look at this.

Teen Mom (MTV) — Season finale. Spoiler alert: none of the babies grow up to be Tim Tebow.

Little Miss Perfect (We) — I love that TLC and We have competing shows about children’s beauty pageants. Now if only they can make a show about dwarf children’s beauty pageants where their talent is making cake. Ratings GOLD, baby.

Okay, okay! I take it back! This chicken is delicious.

Below is the second trailer for FX’s “Justified” (watch the first one here), starring Timothy Olyphant as a Kentucky lawman and debuting March 16th. This one’s not quite as cool as the first trailer, but it does offer a bloodier, shotgunnier glimpse of the show. Seriously, in the second half of the video, like, everyone has a shotgun. It makes me want to move to Kentucky. Bourbon production and a laissez-faire attitude toward carrying shotguns in public sound pretty good to me. Maybe one of those fellows with a mullet can point me in the direction of the nearest independent bookstore with Wi-Fi.

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Any time we get too caught up in how retarded today’s kids are, it’s only fair that we also look at the idiotic youngsters of yesteryear. And there’s no better proof of how stupid young people in the early ’90s were than “Saved by the Bell.” The unfunny laugh track- and cliché-driven time capsule of terrible fashion and bad hair decisions has maintained cultural relevance only because an entire generation of young morons watched it — myself included. I deserve my own derision, and more.

All of this is a way of introducing the above video, a compilation of Dennis Haskins’s Principal Belding saying “What’s going on in here?” Now, plenty of shows are hacky enough to have a character who has a catchphrase, but only “Saved by the Bell” was crappy enough to have a character with a catchphrase that isn’t even memorable. Like, this is the first time I ever realized he always said that. But then again, I was dumb enough to be watching the show in the first place.

[via Hot Clicks]

Creepy and yet also funny. I’m not sure what I find most unsettling and yet hilarious: that this yellow Labrador has human arms, that he’s wearing a Cosby sweater, or that he speaks French. [The Daily What]

I live in Brooklyn; we should hang out. Brooklyn Decker is on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue. [With Leather]

I hated ‘M*A*S*H’ as a kid. And here it gets “This Week in F–k You” treatment. As KSK’s Christmas Ape said in an email to me, “it was a program put on by adults specifically to make kids want to go outside.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Nerds rejoice! Fantasy god Neil Gaiman will write an episode of “Doctor Who.” If you’ve never heard of Neil Gaiman, that’s okay: he’s British. If you’ve never heard of “Doctor Who,” that’s okay: it’s British, too. (Note to nerds: just kidding about the Gaiman crack. I liked Sandman, too.) [Gamma Squad]

Or, Why You Shouldn’t Go to J-School. Someone at Reuters unfamiliar with the concept of “stand-up comedy” tries to review Louis CK movie, fails miserably. [FilmDrunk]

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Here’s video of Mike Tyson’s recent appearance on Italy’s “Dancing with the Stars” (watch below). I suppose there’s some humor in his lack of grace with partner Elena Coniglio, but to me it’s just depressing. Now, I understand that “DWTS” no longer carries the inherent D-list shame it used to, and I respect that Tyson’s on a long road recovering from his professional fall from grace, a long addiction to drugs, financial ruin, and the death of his daughter. But that still doesn’t make the former heavyweight champ’s awkward waddling to music any easier to watch. It’s like, Dude! Wasn’t footwork part of your JOB at one point in your life? This is the equivalent of me becoming illiterate in twenty years. Which, given my drinking, isn’t all that unthinkable.

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Well, this is lame, but people seem to be talking about it: MTV gave its iconic logo its first-ever redesign, dropping the words “Music Television” from the bottom. “About time, right? It stopped having music years ago!” Haha, good one, Jay.

The new look, revealed on-air yesterday, features the original 3-D large “M” with the small, graffiti-style “tv” on the right side. But the new design is expanded, so that photos of MTV talent, including the cast of “Jersey Shore,” “The Buried Life” and “My Life as Liz,” can be seen through it.

And, for the first time in almost 30 years, the logo drops the “music television” tag line altogether.

“We were really thinking about it in terms of having the brand and our talent living in the same space together,” Tina Exarhos, executive vice president of marketing and multiplatform creative projects, [said]. ”If you watch the channel, you’ve seen that it’s definitely going in a new direction,” said Exarhos. [NYDN]

Oh yes, I’ve seen the direction the MTV’s been going:

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