I hate the Sh*t X Say meme as much as the next guy who isn’t a Jamaican using the drive-thru. I thought it had reached its logical conclusion with “Sh*t Seattle People Say When It Snows Part 3,” a.k.a. The Trilogy (sorry, Randal), but I was wrong. Foolish. Naive, even.

The perfect endpoint is “Shit Tim Allen Says,” or more accurately, “Shit Tim Taylor Says.”

It’s brilliant, a response to the fact that no one’s actually saying anything in the Sh*t videos. They’re just a series of observational non-jokes that even Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal (probably). “I ALSO hate it when that stoplight never changes to green when it’s below 50 degrees on the third Tuesday of every May outside of that bar that means something to me, but NOTHING to anyone else.” It’s the lowest form of comedy – not unlike Tim Taylor’s “Home Improvement” he-man grunts and UHHHHHNNNNs. Though if you play them all in a row backwards, you’ll hear an amazing short story about women’s suffrage, Balki from “Perfect Strangers,” and power tools.

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Political commercials are terrible. It seems like every one is the same: black and white shots of the candidate’s opponent, ominous music, scary words splashed across the screen in red, and a deep-voiced announcer taking things out of context to make it sound like their opponent wants to do things like use government dollars to pay for a space program run by convicted child molesters. I hate them so very much. That’s why this commercial for Florida Republican Mark Oxner is a breath of fresh air. It is INSANE. In it, President Obama is depicted as a cartoon boat captain who enslaves children and is hell-bent on steering his vessel over a waterfall, and Oxner’s opponent (I assume) is his parrot. LITERALLY. They put his head on a parrot’s body.

I would love to have a campaign full of commercials like this. After the Republicans release this one, the Democrats could make one where the Republicans are cartoon robbers who are giving brown sacks with dollar signs on them to Wall St. fat cats (like, ACTUAL overweight felines). Then the Republicans could shoot back with one where the Democrats tie the Constitution to train tracks and twirl their mustaches as a speeding train approaches, and the Democrats could hire those Taiwanese Animation dudes to make their rebuttal and let things get REALLY weird. That would be great. It wouldn’t change my personal politics one iota, but it would be awesome mindless entertainment between reruns of “The Simpsons,” and I think that’s what really important here.

I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers would be with me on this.

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Last year, Jennifer Love Hewitt starred in a heinous Lifetime movie called The Client List which was described by one critic as “redneck Mad-Libs on acid,” while Hewitt was also criticized for a performance that included only three expressions: 1) Crying, 2) Before Crying, and 3) a look that suggested she was pooping in her garters (naturally, she was nominated for a Golden Globe).

For reasons that only degenerate TV executives can explain, Lifetime has decided to turn the film into a series. It’s about a mother who turns to prostitution to support her family, so it’s basically “Weeds” for people who don’t care for decent writing, storytelling, or character development, but who enjoy looking at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.

Ahead of its release, J-Lo-Ho debuted this nifty little advert, in which she engages in a lengthy strip-tease. I still have no desire to see the show, but I’ve watched the video six times now. I can say without a doubt that it’s the best work of J-Lo-Ho’s career.

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“OH MY GOD. What is going on right now? Who is this man touching me? Why do his hands smell like leather and hair product? I don’t know you, sir! I did not ask you for scratchies! Unhand me at once! STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER. SOMEONE ALERT THE AUTHORITIES. Tell them that this man is ASSAULTING ME. Don’t just stand there! Yes, I mean YOU, owner! How could you allow this to happen to me?! With a SMILE on your face! What kind of sick public molestation fetishist group have you subjected me to, where unknown parties are just allowed to run their hands all over my body IN FRONT OF CAMERAS?! I should have known from your choice of hat that you were a smut peddler.

“WHY IS NO ONE SPRINGING TO ACTION?! Is this world devoid of heroes? Okay, think adorable self. THINK. I know, I’ll take note of my surroundings so I can report this disgusting cabal to the police. It may be too late for me, but I can at least save others. What does this vile hedonist’s fleece say… Perry? Is that his name? I doubt it. What kind of person is brazen enough to participate in an illegal groping on a busy sidewalk while clothed in outerwear emblazoned with his own name. Surely this is a trick, just like that paper bone he used to lure me into his grasp. How could he have known my own weakness?! He is undoubtedly the ringleader. OH DEAR GOD… NO… NOT THE TAIL. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, SIR. I HAVE A FAMILY.

[notices another dog walking down the sidewalk]

“NO! TURN AROUND! SAVE YOURSEEEELLLFFFF!”

via The Daily Show Tumblr, thanks to LOLSlater for the tip

Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve were presumably very simple, paint by numbers romantic comedies whose success hinged more on jamming a hundred recognizable faces into their trailers than on any actual artistic merit. (“LOOGIT HONEY! IT’S THAT GUY FROM THE TEE VEE. AND HE’S IN A MOVIE WITH THE GIRL FROM THE TEE VEE. AND THERE’S THAT OTHER GUY FROM THE THING. IT MUST BE GOOD. LET’S SEE IT AND THEN GO GET DINNER AT OLIVE GARDEN.”) I say “presumably” because I have gone — and will continue to go — to great lengths to avoid seeing them. But I am also someone who watches a ton of TV, so I am more than familiar with their commercials, which are also formulaic and ripe for parody.

I say all this because “30 Rock” aired a fake trailer for a film titled Martin Luther King Day last night, and it was spot-on. “Saturday Night Live” did their own spoof of these films a few weeks ago, mainly as an excuse to roll out a bunch of celebrity impressions and rib Seth Meyers about his appearance in New Year’s Eve, but “30 Rock’s” version was much better. They showcased a bunch of stars, mimicked the style perfectly, threw in some absurd gags, and still managed to wrap it all up in under a minute. Take notes, kiddies. This is how you do it.

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Whew. After much deliberation and I assume a lot of intense soul searching, NBC has decided to air a segment of “Fear Factor” taped last summer in which contestants pound down a couple of pints of donkey semen and chase it with a glass of piss.

Sources involved in the production tell us the stomach-churning stunt was shot last summer — but NBC honchos were having a tough time swallowing this one as the air date approached. We’re told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen — with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.

Donkey spunk, people. Real-life actual dumbasses downed full glasses of equine splooge and chased it with animal wee for the chance at a modest cash prize. On television. For the viewing pleasure of millions.

*headdesk*

Slow clap, NBC. Slow f$@#ing clap. Just when you thought there was nothing left in the barrel to scrape, the fourth place network goes full-on Jackass and gets jizzy with it. The Idiocracy wins again.

(Source: TMZ)