03.13.09 WHAT’S ON 2NITE: ‘HOT GIRLS IN SCARY PLACES’

Check out the full weekend preview, baby!  It’s nice and robust, just the way your mom likes it.

FRIDAY: Friday Night Lights (NBC) — In tonight’s new episode, Lyla and Tyra wrestle in hot baby oil to win my affections.  Ladies, ladies… there’s room for all three of us in this Jacuzzi.  Or maybe they’re just unhappy in their present relationships.  I wasn’t really paying attention when I read the preview.

Dollhouse (FOX) — Echo (Eliza Dushku) is given the “imprint” of a visually impaired woman.  Sweet!  Maybe she won’t notice my club foot.

Hot Girls in Scary Places (E!) — It’s Friday the 13th: time to watch USC cheerleaders/sorority girls get spooked in a haunted hospital.  I’ve been eagerly anticipating this since I first heard about it.

Battlestar Galactica (SciFi) — It’s a new episode, but I’m sure the U.N. already told you that.

SATURDAY: Big Ten Basketball Tournament Semifinals (CBS) — Ah yes.  Sports.  I seem to remember those.  ACC tourney is on ESPN; SEC on ESPN2.  It’s your last chance to watch these teams before you have to sound like you know what you’re talking about during the NCAAs.

It’s Me or the Dog (Animal Planet, 9:00 p.m.) — I’m amazed that there are actually television shows about people who can’t deal with their pets.  Ahhhh this puppy is destroying my life!  Help me, television personality!  You’re my only hope to conquer this animal that has been domesticated for tens of thousands of years!

Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Tracy Morgan hosts; Kelly Clarkson is the musical guest. In a semi-related story, I just found out “Mad TV” is still on the air.  No, really: it’s a new episode on Saturday.  Can you f-cking believe that?

SUNDAY: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) — The Ruiz family has helped thousands of starving families while their own home has gone unfinished.  In this very special episode, Ty gets beaten to death and hidden in the drywall when a roofer gets tired of being yelled at through a bullhorn.

Animation Domination (Fox) — All new episodes from the four series anchoring FOX’s Sunday night, but why bother?  You’re just going to be disappointed.

Kings (NBC) — Hey look,  a new series about, uh… kings?  Tune in for this week’s epic “Nine, nine, bust a rhyme” and a “waterfall” in which the first guy is a total dick and downs his entire beer.