gaffiganFRIDAY: Howie Do It (NBC) — The perfect show to watch if you need that last little nudge toward suicide.

NCAA Tournament (CBS) — More Sweet 16 action (rawr!) tips at 7:07 Eastern with Louisville-Arizona.  The perfect sporting event for long Friday evening at home by yourself.

Wife Swap (ABC) — This would be so much better as a business model than a TV show.

Women’s Basketball (ESPN) — Not just women’s basketball: college women’s basketball.  Not just college women’s basketball: Division II college women’s basketball.  But hey, at least it’s the championship?  **changes channel to Howie Do It**

The Soup (E!) — I really think Joel McHale and I could be friends.  I wonder why he hasn’t answered my last 30 letters?

SATURDAY: Crappy Sports (FOX/NBC) — NBC has PGA Tour golf, and FOX is going with the NASCAR truck series.  Seriously, could you people try any less?

The Shawshank Redemption (STARZ) — Proof that if you have cable, yes: there’s always a good way to waste a Saturday afternoon.

Kids’ Choice Awards (Nikelodeon) — Good God, I wouldn’t go 500 feet of this award ceremony.  But only because of this restraining order.

Figure Skating World Championship (NBC) — Good news!  This doesn’t start until CBS’s NCAA coverage is over!  I’m sure that’s a relief to all the sports fans out there.

SUNDAY: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) — Move!  That!  Bus! No, seriously, it’s parked on one of the disabled children.

Celebrity Apprentice (NBC) — I keep seeing things where people are talking about what Dennis Rodman and Tom Green are doing, then I check my calendar and get confused because it’s not 1995.

Jim Gaffigan: King Baby (Comedy Central) — Joel McHale, you’re out.  Jim Gaffigan’s getting my next 30 letters.