04.10.09 WHAT’S ON: ‘ROCK OF LOVE BUS’ FINALE

That’s one horny bus! Whatever, it’s Friday.

FRIDAY: Flashpoint (CBS) — I do nothing but read TV news all day, and this is the first I’ve heard of this show.  In tonight’s episode, “an unstable couple who gave up their baby for adoption several months ago kidnap their child from the adoptive parents and flee in a stolen car.”  I wish my real parents had cared that much.

Friday Night Lights (NBC) — As discussed earlier, tonight is the season 3 finale.

Howie Do It (NBC) — Is there some kind of grander gesture I can make than a gigantic wanking motion?  Something that more accurately displays my contempt for this?  Ah, here we go.

DogTown (National Geographic) — No Z-boys this week.

The Killing Floor (TMC) — “Don’t let the name throw you, Jimmy. It’s not really a floor, it’s more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.”

SATURDAY: Tombstone / Wyatt Earp (back-to-back on A&E) — Bold move putting Tombstone first.  I would have led with the crappy Kevin Costner movie.  Sorry, I guess that’s redundant.

The Masters (CBS) — Listen as Jim Nantz speaks in hushed, reverent tones.  Then go ahead and tune out, because if there’s any chance of something interesting happening, it won’t happen until the final 45 minutes on Sunday.

Trick My Truck (CMT) — “Hey mister, I herd ya like misters, so I put misters in yer truck so you can have refreshing cool wet air while you drive without using yer air conditioner.”  Nope, it’s just not the same.

Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Starring Zac Efron, with musical guest Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  Karen O is proof that men aren’t the only ugly people who can be sexy rock stars. 

SUNDAY: NBA Basketball (ABC) — A solid doubleheader: Mavericks-Hornets followed by the Celtics at LeBron.  At the very least, you can tune into the second game during the financial investment commercials airing during the final day at The Masters.

Bowling (ESPN) — The NCAA Women’s Champsionship.  Oh, ESPN, you spoil us!

The Amazing Race 14 (CBS) — The teams compete in Thailand, with a stop in Bangkok, where the challenge is “try not to go into a brothel, where for 50 dollars you can fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies with multiple Asian teenagers.”

The Tudors (Showtime) — This week: a Catholic uprising and a new mistress.  And people say this show isn’t true to history!

In Treatment (HBO) — My old roommate loved this show; I thought it was a tedious bore.  What can I say, I just prefer Gabriel Byrne as a dirty cop.  Or Satan.

Sluts on Wheels with Bret Michaels (VH1) — Holy crap you guys!  It’s Mindy versus Taya in the season finale!  (Sneak preview here.)  And Bret’s promised that this is the last season of “Rock of Love”!  I’m not sure I want to live in a world where there are no new seasons of “Rock of Love.”  **pours some beer out, plays “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”**