04.30.09 WHAT’S ON TONIGHT: PENIS JOKES

“What’s on Tonight” is what happens when I go through the TV guide and make fun of select listings.  It is NOT the evening’s best or recommended programming.  So please, don’t bitch about your show not being on here.

Bones (Fox) — Every times I see the name of this show I think about how it’s only one letter away from “boner.”  And then I think, “Heh heh… boner.”  Why yes, I am 30 years old and using Photoshop to make my cheap laughs real.  I win at life!

Ugly Betty (ABC) — Give her a GD makeover already!  And how many years has she had braces as an adult?  Are those things ever coming off?  I hate this f’n show.

Private Practice (ABC) — I try to give my privates some practice every day.

Survivor: Tocantins (CBS) — “One contestant gives honesty a try.”  Tune in to watch that contestant get voted off.  Reality shows care not for your Christian values.

Bridge to Terabithia (ABC Family) — This is one of two books that made me cry when I was a kid.  The other was Where the Red Fern Grows.  F-ckin’ brutal.  It’s bad enough when the first dog dies, but then the other one stops eating and dies because it misses the first dog?  Jesus, man.  Who lets ten-year-olds read that?

Forbes 15 Hot Hollywood Moms (E!) — If your channel has an exclamation point, it has to be good.

Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches (Travel) — Do you miss “The Girls Next Door”?  Because on tonight’s episode, Bridget reunites with Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison to frolic around on Malibu’s beaches.  Hooray, bonus boobs!  Peep the preview after the jump.