05.01.09 MALKOVICH! I WANNA READ ‘SHATNERQUAKE’

Oh baby.  Fan fiction goes from creepy to awesome in Shatnerquake, a novel (well, more like novella) in which William Shatner does battle against all of the characters he’s ever played.  I have to blockquote the entire Amazon description here, because I’d hate for you to miss out on the full effect:

It’s the first ShatnerCon with William Shatner as the guest of honor! But after a failed terrorist attack by Campbellians, a crazy terrorist cult that worships Bruce Campbell, all of the characters ever played by William Shatner are suddenly sucked into our world. Their mission: hunt down and destroy the real William Shatner.

Featuring: Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane, Rescue 911 Shatner, Singer Shatner, Shakespearean Shatner, Twilight Zone Shatner, Cartoon Kirk, Esperanto Shatner, Priceline Shatner, SNL Shatner, and – of course – William Shatner!

No costumed con-goer will be spared in their wave of destruction, no redshirt will make it out alive, and not even the Klingons will be able to stand up to a deranged Captain Kirk with a lightsaber. But these Shatner-clones are about to learn a hard lesson…that the real William Shatner doesn’t take crap from anybody. Not even himself.

It’s Shatnertastic!

Two words:  Uh.  Mazing.  And only $9.95!  That’s less than it will cost you to see it in the movie theaters in 2011!  This WILL be made into a movie, right?  Sure, they’d have to invent time travel to get the young Shatner for Kirk, but just get Michael Bay to direct and time travel will be part of the budget.  Please Hollywood, do this one thing for me.

[Topless Robot via BuzzFeed]