FRIDAY: Dollhouse (Fox) — I think they should spice up this series by bringing on Todd Solondz to add dialog from Welcome to the Dollhouse. “Hey Echo, sorry to bother you, but we were just wondering… Are you a lesbian?”
Flashpoint (CBS) — I’m always amazed when I go through the listings and see something on network TV that I’ve never even heard of before. “Flashpoint”? Anybody out there ever seen an episode?
Dateline NBC (NBC) — Whoa! Slow down there, camper! I know it’s Friday night and all, but are you sure you can handle a news magazine THIS WILD?
Party Down (Starz) — Former NBA player Rick Fox guest-stars, appearing on TV on the very same night as his rumored love interest Eliza Dushku!!! How ironic! By which I mean, coincidental.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (NBC) — His guests are Arsenio Hall and Ziggy Marley. That’s it. No, seriously. Please, someone put Conan onstage already.
SATURDAY: Stanley Cup Playoffs (NBC) — Penguins at Capitals, Game 1. Crosby versus Ovechkin. For any fans of Kissing Suzy Kolber out there, the talented Christmas Ape will be in attendance to root for the away team.
The Kentucky Derby (NBC) — Ladies, put on your giant hats. It’s time to drink bourbon and gamble — an American tradition like no other. (Banner picture from Yahoo’s “Make Me a Supermodel” gallery)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (ABC) — Gary Oldman plays the bad guy, but I dunno. He’ll always be the dwarf from Tiptoes to me.
NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Bulls at Celtics, Game 7. The series has been one of the best in playoff history, which means that Game 7 will almost certainly disappoint. If you’re betting, be advised that Rashon Rondo is expected to be out.
SUNDAY: Tuna Wranglers (Discovery) — A descriptive synonym for “pimps.”
Shaun of the Dead (Comedy Central) — I liked this one way better than Hot Fuzz. “Hot Fuzz” sounds like a drink with cinnamon Schnapps. Or something offered by tuna wranglers.
King of the Hill (Fox) — Returns to the 8:30 p.m. slot after two **fart sound** weeks from “Sit Down, Stand Up,” which has been relegated to 7:00.
The Unit (CBS) — Whoa, there’s a TV show named after my penis!
World’s Oldest Conjoined Twins (TLC) — “TLC, the disgusting freak channel!”
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You left out the Pacquaio/Hatton fight (do you not include PPV?)
I once watched a firefighter-themed porno called “Flashpoint.” It was not on CBS.
Flashpoint is a HOF porn. I still have it on VHS, starring Jenna Jameson, Asia Carrera, Sydney Steele…what a country.
Flashpoint is a huge piece of rotting feces. I give it 4/5 stars.
Flashpoint is a standard CBS procedural, except it’s set in Canada so no one ever dies and they talk out all their problems that should be solved with shooting.