billy-mays-never-forgetAfter TV Pitchman Billy Mays died suddenly this weekend, the immediate suspicion by everyone who knew nothing was that a rough landing on a flight the day before — in which the plane’s tire exploded — had caused him some head trauma that was ultimately fatal. But the doctors who performed the autopsy insist that their “science” suggests the cause of death was heart failure.

The autopsy done this morning reveals no evidence of head trauma or drug abuse, said Dr. Vernard Adams…

The autopsy showed he had hardening of the arteries, Adams said. He was taking pain medication after two recent hip surgeries, but there is no evidence that contributed to his death, Adams said.

Adams said Mays had no knowledge of his heart disease and was taking no medication for it. “By definition, sudden death can’t be predicted,” Adams said. “This was a total surprise.”

Hey Vern, you’re the doctor, I’m the writer.  Why don’t you stick to the science and I’ll take care of telling people what words mean.  You don’t see me coming down to the hospital to cut dead bodies open, do you?  I sure hope not.  I take extra precautions to dodge the morgue’s security cameras.