06.29.09 HEY PAUL SHAFFER, SHUT UP

David Letterman’s keyboard troll, Paul Shaffer, wrote a memoir, and book publishing tradition dictates that anything remotely interesting must be leaked beforehand to build buzz for the book.  In this case, Shaffer talks about having sex with Connie Hamzy — the notoriously indiscriminate rock groupie who plied her trade so well she was dubbed “Sweet Connie” in Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band.”

“I walked back to the mini-bar to fix her drink, and by the time I turned around, she had slipped out of all her clothes except her high heels and stockings and had spread herself across my bed like a Playboy centerfold. ‘Praise God!’ was the one thought that came to mind,” Shaffer writes. “I was so surprised, so delighted, that I spilled my vodka tonic.

” ‘Don’t worry about it Paul,’ she said. ‘Just get into bed.’ I did as I was told. I soon saw that I was dealing with a master craftswoman. Her attention to detail was exceptional… I had actually encountered the greatest practitioner of [bleep] in the long phallocentric history of rock and roll.”

This Spin Magazine article indicates that Hamzy blows more than hurricane season, so I’m guessing Shaffer’s talking about fellatio.  Which makes sense.  Someone had to teach him the technique he uses on Letterman five days a week.