WOW.  This has to be my new favorite Andy Rooney clip.  Somebody at “60 Minutes” thought it would be a good idea if Rooney used his allotted two minutes to riff about fruit.  And this babbling was supplemented with close-ups of his gnarled, liver-spotted, papery-skinned hands as they spread death on produce at a local grocery store.  It really is rooney-fruitsomething to behold, a disaster of words that ranges from the obvious to the incorrect to the willfully ignorant.  I honestly hope heart failure claims me before I sound like this.

“Which came first, oranges or the word ‘orange’ for color?  What if we called bananas ‘yellows’?  It was hard to get fresh fruit when I was young.  Why do we put limes in so many drinks, but not lemons?  Lemons can do anything!  I don’t want fruit I have to peel.  Asian pear?  Never heard of that one.  I like the taste of peaches, but the fuzzy skin reminds me of fuzzy skin.  When we were kids, we’d sometimes use cherries to play marbles.  Darned things never rolled straight.  Now here’s something I’ve never seen before: a starfruit.  It’s shaped like a star!  I doubt that’s a coincidence.  You just don’t see good rhubarb any more these days.  I see you looking at me, watermelon.”