WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:mark-mcgwire-simpsons

MLB Home Run Derby (ESPN) — Last year’s exhibibition became the highlight of the All-Star break when human-interest story Josh Hamilton hit a record gazillion home runs in a single turn at bat.  No such excitement will happen tonight, but you can hope.

Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen) — The ten remaining contestants take a pole-dancing class.  Sexiest show ever?  Sexiest show ever.

Weeds (Showtime) — While pregnant Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) considers marriage to a dangerous Mexican drug lord (who hasn’t bee there before?), Alanis Morrisette’s OB/GYN character gets involved with Andy.  It could lead to that Alanis sex scene we’ve long awaited.  Maybe she’ll go down on him IN. A. THEA-TERRR.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — The final three guys take turns hittin’ it.  I mean, probably.  I didn’t really read the preview.  But that sh-thead Wes is gone, so that’s nice.

Insanely Pampered Hollywood Dogs (E!) — E! executives already miss the halcyon days of exploitative specials on the death of Michael Jackson.

Party Heat (truTV) — TV Guide description: “Officers try to maintain order during spring break in Lake Havasu, Ariz.” …with sexy results.