hells-kitchen

Wow.  Summer TV is notoriously crappy, but tonight is worse than usual.  How bad is it?  Well, Yahoo’s top picks tonight include “Ruby & the Rockits” on ABC Family, Tori Spelling’s reality show, and TLC’s despicable “18 Kids and Counting.”  Honey, get the kids.  We’re going to the movies tonight.

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox) — Two-hour season premiere.  Gordon Ramsay swears at people, people occasionally swear back.  Food is made.  More swearing.  Fin.

Better Off Ted (ABC) — Everything else sucking so hard makes it hard for me to have any passion for a show I like.

America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Wanna see Nick Cannon mugging for the camera during an hour-long talent show?  Me neither.

Stripes (AMC) — Much like Full Metal Jacket, you can watch the first half of the movie and get 85% of the best lines.  “Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual.”  “No, we’re not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.”

Torchwood: Children of Earth (BBC America) — Night two of five.  I might watch if I’d seen the first night.  Which I didn’t.

NYC Prep (Bravo) — ¦º-{  That’s my emoticon for the Upper East Side of New York City.  You’ll notice it has a monocle and a fancy moustache, as well as carefully manicured eyebrows. (inspired by Andy)

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (Discovery Health) — This new episode is awesomely titled “It’s Not Food Poisoning.”   Oh no, what you’ve got is much worse than a little E. coli from Taco Bell.  And it’s gonna last a whole lot longer.