OH. MY. GOD.
08.18.09**hyperventilates into paper bag**
People. Stop what you’re doing and watch this right now. The website Everything Is Terrible has made e-waves on the Internet before, but this is their masterpiece: a tutorial on cat massage. This is edited to perfection; every word that comes out of this woman’s mouth makes me want to take the Internet in my loving arms and hug it until it feels uncomfortable. A few things we learn about cat massage in this clip:
- No oils or lotions needed.
- If you’re right-handed, use your right hand. Unless you want to try your left. Or you can use both hands. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination here.
- Simon & Garfunkel songs can teach us a lot about life… and cat massage.
- “The front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun.”
- When to cat massage? Whenever!
I seriously want to take the rest of the day off and just skip around the park. I feel as happy and carefree as a six-year-old girl. Which may help explain why I’m wearing a skirt and this blonde wig.
TAGS: CATS
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Is it wrong that I want to bend her over the nearest table and…?
I know Nancy! It’s like people don’t know anything about cat massage at all!
/kills self
This dame doesn’t know anything about massaging a cat – try between his shoulder blades, lamebrain – puts him in kitty heaven! And by the way, my cats will not permit you to touch their tummy or their tail – what does that leave in this silly video?
I took notes, even though I don’t have a cat.
Just like a cat during a massage, I am in kitty heaven right now!.
And you know, technically, A drooler COULD be someone who specializes in rings and watches. Like a jeweler. But a jeweler who also happens to drool. Transitive Property, yo.
Notice how she calls Chomper-Dompers the, “… best cat in the whole United States.”
Clearly, by her narrowing the field to just America, the implication is that there’s an international cat somewhere with a higher ranking. Probably from Belgium, I’m guessing. Their cats are the shit. Plus they have the lowest rate of Whisker Watch Alerts of any developed nation, I hear.
2:25-2:30 reminds me a lot of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjm45D9JTNw
Just like a cat during a massage, I am in kitty heaven right now!
“… petting a tail …” Damnit
“Start from the base of the rump, rubbing your way out, and follow it to its natural conclusion.” What amazing technique for petting a tale! If only this could be applied to some other activity. BTW: “Drooler” ≠ “jeweler”
I kept waiting for the moment when Champion rose up and clawed her face off. Sadly, it never happened.
Does this apply to all cats? I’m gonna to try this with a cougar on the UES later tonight.
I can’t wait for her next video where she shows how to give a cat a tongue bath.
Play the cat massage lady off, Keyboard Cat.
“Who’s the craziest woman in the United States? It’s you, gap toothed woman, it’s you.”
“No oils or lotions needed”
This can also apply to hand jobs.
“She forgets to swallow, and then she drools.”
The similarities between massaging a cat and molesting a grandmother never cease to amaze me.
“A drooler is not someone who specializes in rings or watches.” Ah, Jesus. I had to stop the video until I stopped laughing.
2:25-2:30: I’m no Dr. Doolittle but I’m pretty sure that cat just said, “Yo, is this bitch serious?”
“Most people will go right to the back.”
Not me, honey; I go straight for the anus.
Call me!
btw, the video doesn’t play.
Fix yo innernet. Works just fine.
Cat massage…cat massage…cat massage…
That was glorious. And I’ve occasionally wondered what happened to Anne Murray.
If her eyes were any closer together she’d be Shaq.
btw, the video doesn’t play.
“This is edited to perfection”
don’t you mean purr-fection?