08.31.09 WHAT’S ON: ‘WEEDS’ FINALE, MICKEY ROURKE

Mary-Louise Parker’s impression of me at my last office job

Weeds (Showtime) — In case you’ve missed the entire season, Yahoo can catch you up: “Nancy dodged death by becoming pregnant with the baby of a corrupt Mexican politician, moved in with him, got engaged, moved out, had the baby, asked her brother-in-law Andy to be the father, watched her middle son get shot in the arm by a hitman, then left Andy in the dust and moved back in with the baby’s daddy before he was arrested.”  Word on the street is that the season ends with a shocker (don’t worry, the link doesn’t have any spoilers).

Inside the Actors Studio (Bravo) — James Lipton interviewing Mickey Rourke?  Yes please. “But wait,” you’re saying, “I only want to watch if Rourke is wearing a fedora, sunglasses, and goatee.”  Thy will be done.

Monday Night Football: Vikings at Texans (ESPN) — A preseason tilt that will feature — OMG! — an entire half of Brett Favre!  On a different note, the best development in any broadcasting booth recently is the addition of Jon Gruden to the Monday night crew.  It’s so foreign and pleasant to have an analyst who I don’t want attacked by wild dogs.

Ultimate Cake Off (TLC) — HOLY F*CK ANOTHER CAKE SHOW STOP THE MADNESS.

Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen) — Season finale.  Whoops, looks like I missed every episode of this ever.  I honestly have no idea what channel Oxygen is even NEAR on my TV.

9/11: Science and Conspiracy (NatGeo) — Forensic experts investigate the most common 9/11 conspiracies using established evidence and the scientific method.  Whatever, their so-called “scientific method” is all part of the conspiracy!

The Tonight Show (NBC) — Norm MacDonald is a guest. We can only hope he recreates one of the most fantastically awkward late-night interviews in history (watch: part 1, part 2).