the-city

The City (MTV) — Season 2 premiere. With stylish natural beauties like Whitney Port and newcomer Roxy Something, how can you NOT watch? Easy: by staying in your room and downloading fuzzy kitten wallpapers for your desktop computer.

The Hills (MTV) — Semi-season premiere? I don’t know how this works, because seasons of “The Hills” are like six episodes long, and the last season was called only a half-season, so this is the second half of Season 5, even though there’s a completely new central figure… Really, MTV? Was the show already not stupid enough?

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — The teenage girls you’ve been ogling will be happy to know that Selena Gomez will perform her new single on tonight’s show.

NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) — Don’t call it a comeback; CBS has been making crappy crime procedurals into hits for years.

The National Parks: America’s Best Idea (PBS) — It’s a Ken Burns documentary, so if you listen to NPR you’ll love it. If, like most people in America, you don’t have the attention span for Burns’s glacial pacing, this will put you to sleep in minutes.

Melrose Place (CW) — On tonight’s episode, more people from the original cast show up.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Yes, it’s on FX. I double-checked the listings and my DVR. Tensions between Clay and Jax escalate, while Peg Bundy starts to seek revenge for her Nazi gang rape. This show brings the anal rain dance, and if you don’t know what that means then Henry Rollins is gonna give you the what-for.