10.23.09 HA HA, RATINGS FOR ‘THE HILLS’ ARE WAY DOWN

Since MTV’s malodorous decision to continue “The Hills” with Kristin Cavallari in Lauren Conrad’s place (or should I say, “malodorous decision to continue the show at all”), I’m delighted to see that ratings for “The Hills” have declined by 33%.

“We don’t need [Lauren]. We’ll miss her. I just don’t know if we need her,” Heidi [Montag/Pratt] previously told MTV News… [But] According to Media Life Magazine, the audience for the September 29 season premiere… was down 30 percent compared to the prior season’s debut..

The Season 5, Part 2 premiere netted just 2.36 million total viewers and three weeks later the number of people tuning in had slipped even further to 1.72 million. And among 18-34-year-olds, current episodes are getting less than half of the 2.3 million fans that tuned in each weak two seasons ago. [Access Hollywood]

Oohhhhh, that’s delicious. Fail, fail, fail! Satisfy my lust for your failure!

Listen, my dislike “The Hills” is well-informed. My last girlfriend would make me watch it, and then yell at me about how bad it was. “Oh my God, this is so fake!” she’d say, angry at the horrendous excuse for dialogue. DAMMIT WOMAN, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING?

But I did learn this much during those brutally slow half-hours: Lauren Conrad was the only person on that show with an ounce of sincerity trapped somewhere inside her, and she lacked the reptilian quality of the rest of the cast. She’s probably the only person from that show who shouldn’t be thrown off a rocky cliff into a giant pit of bear traps. And maybe Audrina. I’d spare Audrina if I could chain her to my radiator.