letterman-bw“Hang on, I’m getting an urgent call from myself twenty years from now.”

All right kids, it’s time to put away your orangutan-and-hound videos, because things are about to get serious around here again. We’ve got more gossip sausage to make, so get your meat grinders ready for new details about David Letterman’s relationship with Stephanie Birkitt (and his harem of “assistants”). Gawker says…

• Letterman had a cadre of female assistants who fell heavily on the young and attractive side of the ledger. He was said to employ as not less than three of these Special Assistants to the Host last year. The assistant tally however, was said to have climbed as high as five at moments.

• The scuttlebutt on the set had it that current assistant-in-question, Stephanie Birkitt, received extra compensation for duties as his First Assistant, in the form of Letterman picking up the tab for her graduate law studies at the Yeshiva University Law School.

This should work out well. I get the feeling Letterman may need legal advice in the coming weeks.

• Birkitt’s duties included nannying work around the office. She could often be seen playing with his son and chasing him through the office halls.

This marks the first time in recorded history a father has slept with his child’s nanny.

• Birkitt also frequently appeared on air, playing the part of Dave’s assistant in sketches and often delivering prizes to audience members in constants. Dave favored Birkitt with playful nicknames in these moments such as “Vicky” “Kitty” and “Dutch.”

Okay, that bullet just makes me think Letterman’s awesome. He talks to women like he’s a detective in a noir film.

• Each Valentines Day, Letterman sent lavish, expensive bouquets of flowers to each and every non-male on the Late Show staff with a handwritten note signed “Your Friend Dave.”

The men got cards that said “Tits or GTFO.”

• Eyebrows were raised around the office by Letterman’s long-delayed marriage to the mother of his now five year old son, whom had has been dating since 1986 and to whom he tied the knot only this year.

All right. This concludes Warming Glow’s bi-hourly feasting on the troubles of others. See you back here at 4:00 for more!