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Heroes (NBC) — Claire’s roommate has been stalking her… but only because she wants to scissor that tight little body. I didn’t realize Claire was a student at Smith. (Thus completes “Heroes’” downward spiral into irrelevance.)

Gone Too Far (MTV) — Series premiere. This is the reality show where DJ AM offered his help to people struggling with addiction before he died from his struggles with addiction. In a related story, your retarded cousin is struggling with addition.

Little People, Big World (TLC) — Season premiere. Only on cable’s top-rated network for people with genetic defects!

The Big Bang Theory (CBS) — Oh man, nerds are so awkward! Ha ha, good one Jay.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — It’s a shame Tom DeLay had to withdraw. It would have been so much more moving if he had competed with the stress fractures in his feet, then required surgery, then developed gangrene, which resulted in a series of progressive amputations that left him a legless self-loathing cripple.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Jets at Dolphins. I had never liked the Jets before, now they’re my second-favorite team solely because of the Rex Ryan character at Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you don’t join me at the KSK live-blog tonight, THAT’S DISRESPECT!

CSI: Miami (CBS) — An investor who stole people’s money turns up dead in a toilet. “Looks like someone — *sunglasses* — dropped their friend off at the pool.” YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!