ups-asshole

Anyone who’s had the misfortune of being subjected to live television with commercials over the last two years has certainly seen one of UPS’s whiteboard ads. The ads themselves are memorable and (I suppose) fairly clever, yet I’m enraged by the smug long-haired douchebag they feature. With that in mind, I’d like to show you this gibberish from Ad Week:

UPS has cut to four finalist teams in its $200 million global marketing services review, the client confirmed on Friday… Among the shops that didn’t advance was Interpublic Group’s The Martin Agency in Richmond, Va., the incumbent on creative and media duties in the U.S.

“We value the relationship that we’ve enjoyed with The Martin Agency and are extremely proud of their work in the United States on our behalf,” said Christine Owens, UPS svp, communications and brand management, in a statement. “Our goal is to identify a partner agency to effectively communicate UPS’s strengths on a global basis.”

Translation: “We’re firing the agency that brought the whiteboard douchebag into our lives.” And not a moment too soon. Every time I see that jackass I close my eyes and try to envision a fantasy where I cut off all his hair. And every time I end up using the scissors to stab him in the neck instead. Stabbing repeatedly. Neck, then face. Then I open my eyes and I’ve got a boner. What’s that about?

CRUEL UPDATE: After careful review of the story, I realize that the global arm of UPS’s ad campaign may be different than the American arm. If so, this guy ain’t going anywhere. Damn you Ad Week and your indecipherable corporate lingo!