HAPPY 20TH ANNIVERSARY, ‘SIMPSONS’
12.17.09
Today marks the 20th anniversary of the original air date of “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire,” the first full episode of the iconic animated series that shaped the sense of humor for an entire generation of bloggers, including yours truly.
There’s an excellent interview with John Ortveldt, author of the unauthorized Simpsons history, over at Salon that discusses the show’s fall from relevance while paying respect to its staying power and lasting effect on American culture. It does a much better job of discussing the show than I’m going to be able to do in 200 words or less, so I suggest you head over there if you want to immerse yourself in Simpsons nostalgia. Or you can just hang out in the comments section here and share your favorite quotes.
“Then when he’s not expecting it, BAM! The ol’ fork in the eye!”
“…where nothing can possibl-eye go wrong. Er, possibly go wrong. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong.”
“Forty seconds? But I want it now!”
(Image via The Live Feed. It’s actually three times the size shown, so click on it once, then right-click and select “view image” for full size)
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Heh heh, mule.
Lisa: you’re replacing me?
Homer: Lisa. dumping is such a harsh word. Let’s just say I’m replacing you
did i mention this was the best post ever
“if there’s someone in here, they’re looking at some serious ass forking”
I for one welcome our new ant overlords. (Kent Brockman)
And yet if I have them killed, I’m the one who goes to prison. (Mr. Burns)
We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. “Gimme five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where was I? Oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn’t get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones …
Hey, funboys! Get a room!
Homer, after drinking an old can of Billy Beer:
“We elected the wrong Carter.”
Mr. Burns:
“One dollar for eternal happiness? Hmm, I’d be happier WITH the dollar.”
[can opens in the dark]
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, “Psst … I love you.”
Woah careful there annie oakley.
Homer: I dont need to be careful, i got a gun
well youll prolly wan the accessory kit, holster, bandoleer, silencer, loudener, speed caulker, and this is for shooting down police helicopters.
HOMER: Oh i dont need anything like that…..yet
“98… 99… 100. Ooh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.”
“I taste bwood.”
I dinna cry when me own father was killed for stealing a pig. But I’ll cry now.
“I won’t be needing this anymore! *sounds of toilet flushing repeatedly* Marge, someone broke the toilet.”
Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.
Homer: I’ll never be the darling of the so called city fathers who cluck their tounges, stroke their beards, and ask whats to do with this Homer Simpson?
Homer: C’mon, Marge, we’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!
Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Homer: Good things don’t end in “ium” they end in “teria” or “mania”
Bart (to Martin): We don’t need you around here nerding it up!
Millhouse: That job is taken!
Wiggum: That Simpson, he thinks he’s the pope of chili town.
Looks like it’s suicide for me again.
Homer: Oh I love these lazy Sundays! Not like that fake Sunday we had on Wednesday.
Ned: Who prayed for giant shoes?
Todd: I did!
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
Milhouse: So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It’s all here–fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you’ve never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I…don’t know.
TV Announcer: You’ll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga 2! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they’ll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!
I am Clintonn. When I am made Overlord all will kneel to me and obey my brutal commands.
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No…he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities but then
I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss. Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
“Sign’s floating away, Chief.”
Marge:”The plant called and said that if you don’t come in tomorrow, don’t bother coming in on Monday.”
Homer:” “Woohoo!!! Four day weekend!!”
Homer: Ohhhhhh, the Denver Broncossssss
Marge: Well I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer: Marge, you just don’t understand football.
Homer: Yvan eth nioj, you gotta love that chorus!
Lisa: But what does it mean?
Homer: “Oh it doesn’t mean anything. It’s like Ramma-Lamma Ding Dong or Give Peace a Chance.
MAN Alive, there are men alive in here
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, poste haste!
Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others
Warden: Look, he painted a unicorn in outer space. I’m askin’ ya, what’s it breathin’?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain’t no air in space!
Homer: There’s an air n’ space museum.
Jimbo: You let me down, man! Now I don’t believe in nothin’ no more! I’m goin’ to law school!
Homer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Barney: You’ll never get me in a ring! Boxing causes brain damage. *drinks varnish*
Homer: See you in hell . . . CANDY BOYS!
“Lisa, stop getting in the way of your wealthy brother’s peas!”
Homer: Moe, I need your advice… See I’ve got this friend named…Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.
Moe: Homer, that’s the worst name I’ve ever heard.
Guy: (Runs out of the bar, crying)
Barney: Aye! Joey Joe Joe! Come back!
Homer: There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I’m a boy.
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.
Homer: While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I’m at work busting my hump.
Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Homer: Who told you that?!
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!
Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I’ll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage…when pigs fly!
[The pig sails across the sky before them.]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Burns: Nooo, I’d still rather not.
Miss Hoover: “Ralph, remember when you said you saw Snagglepuss outside?”
Ralph: “He was going to the bathroom!”
MO: “Oooh, garaaage. Well la di da, Mr. Frenchman.”
HOMER: “Well what do you call it?”
MO: “Car hole.”
“But your ad says “Works on contingency, no money down!”
“Oh this is all wrong. *erases* This is what it should say:”
Sign: “WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN.”
“This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie ‘The Never Ending Story’”
“Do you have anything that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?”
“I think the veal might’ve died of loneliness.”
Rainier: My new movie is me, standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes. It cost 80 million dollars to make.
Jay Sherman: how do you sleep at night?
Rainier: on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.
Don’t you hate pants!?
In in 1.5 years in law school, I’ve managed to work in the following phrases in class: “the writ of boys will be boys,” “innocent of not being guilty,” and “bad…court…thingy.”
Still working on “attorney-dumpster privilege.”
Homer (while stoned): Marge! I just found out that I’m the “ow” in the word “now”…AND IF YOU TELL ANYBODY…
Marge: Homer, you cant keep calling me all day long I- hold on I have a nother call. (hits button) Hello?
Homer: Oh, thank god it’s you. I got Marge on the other line and she is totally bummin me out.
Adam West as Batman: Luckily I had my Bat Carousel Revearsal spray.
Krusty: Geeze, what DON’T you have in that belt?!
Adam West: PATIENCE…for harlequin hooligans like yourself.
Homer: “You know me Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming!”
Homer: “Ha Ha, You got the dud, you got the dud! Oh, it looks like you Poindexter.”
Homer: “Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night.They just plain sucked!I’ve seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever did suck. Hold on, my damn weiner kid are talking to me.”
Bart: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
TV: “Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box? Are you on your third beer of the evening?”
Homer: “Does whiskey count as beer?”
Put it in H!
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo. That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard.
Can you swing a sack of doorknobs? Can I?
“No, no, no — It’s German for ‘The Bart, the.’”
“Oh, well, no one who speaks German could be evil!”
Grand Funk Railroad? Mark Farner’s wild, shirtless lyrics! The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher! The competent drum work of Don Brewer!
I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
I bent my wookie.
You don’t win friends with salad! You don’t win friends with salad!
White guys have names like “Lenny”, while black guys have names like “Carl”.
Goodbye “Lionel Hutz.” Hello, “Miguel Sanchez”!
Ze goggles! Zey do nothing!
The doctor says my nose wouldn’t bleed so much if I didn’t have my finger up there all the time.
Aurora borealis, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely in your kitchen?!?! May I see it?
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
The “Im just a Bill Song”
…then Ill crush all opposition to me, and Ill make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, Ill say that hes gaaaaaay.
Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer is: No.
Hello super Nintendo Chalmers.
The next place he robs better have a ramp.
Team Discovery Channel!
Hey Look that kid has bosoms!
But my name is Millhouse. A pain I know all to well.
They’re all a bunch of Rory Calhouns.
He was a zombie?
Lisa: How do you feel? What’s inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts… and black stuff… and about fifty Slim Jims.
“THE PTA HAS DISBANDED!!!”
(Breaks window, jumps)
“Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob — a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.”
“Lisa: Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have.
Kent: More important than _coal_?!”
“I can’t believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.”
The dizzying highs. The terrifying lows. The creamy middles.
“That’s the first time anyone’s ever called me sir without adding you’re making a scene.”
Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don’t use the word ‘hero’ lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
On another plus note, seeing as how no Simpsons video game has ever sucked: Simpsons Game Coming To The iPhone
“How often do you brush, Ralph?”
“Three times a day, sir”
“Why must you turn my off into a house of lies?”
“What a terrible waste… Hi, I’m actor Troy McClure! You might remember me from such driver’s ed films as “Alice’s Adventures Through The Windshield Glass” and “The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.” For the next sixty minutes, we’ll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.”
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?
Inflammable means flammable?! What a country!
Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No. Well, ten beers.
One groom? TWO grooms! But he–(faints)
RADICAL!
Is that your final answer?
Me fail English? That’s unpossible!
Ah, The Luftwaffe…The Washington Generals Of The History Channel.
We need more “Bort” license plates in the gift shop.
Homer: Oh! And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember that time I took a home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
BONJOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRR ya cheese eatin’ surrender monkeys!
Are they talking about the bordello?
BATMAN’S A SCIENTIST?
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?
Nuts and Gum – Together at Last!!!
There’s your answer, Fish Bulb.
Marge you gotta be more careful. Your little boy Bart coulda been eaten by that pony.
AHHH! He’s got a board with a nail in it!
Lousy Smarch weather.
I would like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat.
“So then I said to the cop, ‘No, you’re driving under the influence … of being a jerk.’”
Milhouse: Boy, Bart, Laddie’s the best dog in the world. He’s a lot different than your old dog.
Bart: Santa’s Little Helper? I guess I was the only one who loved him.
Milhouse: You got that right. Remember the time Santa’s Little Helper ate my goldfish, and you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Well, why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
“Sex Cauldron, I thought they shut that place down.”
Lionel Hutz: Great, we’ve drawn Judge Snyder…
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Actually, replace ‘accidentally’ with ‘repeatedly’, and replace ‘dog’ with ‘son’.
“Police brutality! …and CHEW-tality!”
Oh, sorry, I thought you said least favorite quotes. I refuse to applaud a show for its longevity when it should’ve died gracefully 10 years ago. That said, when the show was in its prime, nothing beat it (and perhaps never will).
“Dental plan!”
“Lisa needs braces!”
Worst. Post. Ever.