AN OPEN LETTER TO ‘LOST’ FANATICS
02.16.10
Dear Insanely Passionate “Lost” Fans,
Hey, how ya doin’? I hope I’m not intruding on a discussion of whether Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof are the greatest men to walk the Earth or merely Christlike. Speaking of Christ, have you noticed all the heavy-handed crucifixion symbolism? Oh, of course you have. You notice everything.
I’m writing to you today on behalf of people who watch and enjoy “Lost” but aren’t, you know, totally drinking the Cuse-Lindelof Kool-Aid. (You may, if you wish, refer to us as “the Others.”) Like, maybe we checked out during Season 3 because it kinda sucked. Or maybe the time travel last season was a bit much to swallow. Or we think that a lot of the character interaction feels stilted and fake. Or maybe — and I know this is a cruel thing to suggest — we think that all the far-fetched ideas are entertaining, but it’s all just stuff the show’s writers have pulled out of their asses under the pressure of a deadline. In other words: the possibility exists that there’s no grand puzzle, merely some unnecessarily complex mumbo-jumbo designed to ensnare viewers who are predisposed to mysteries beyond the realm of Newtonian physics.
And that’s cool if that’s your thing. We all need hobbies, and obsessing over “Lost” is certainly healthier than drowning kittens. But I’m writing today to draw a line in the sand, Losties. Because, let’s face it, you people are the most annoying genre fans ON THE ENTIRE PLANET.
I realize the gravity of that accusation, and I’m quite serious. In the vast array of genre fans — from Klingon-speaking Trekkies to teenage goth-girl Twihards to suicidal Avatards who don’t want to live on a planet that doesn’t bioluminesce — no one is quite as annoying as you, Losties. The difference is simple: those who love Star Trek or Twilight or Avatar imagine themselves inhabiting that fictional world; they do what they can to separate themselves from us normal folk who enjoy the simple realities of watching sports, having beers with friends, and engaging in sex that generally doesn’t require costumes or stage makeup.
You, however, walk among us regular folk. You ARE regular folk, for the most part. You don’t entertain fantasies of living on the Island; you wish only to discuss the various theories that might unlock the Gordian knot the show’s writers have concocted.
The key word there is “discuss” — you mustn’t actually KNOW any tiny detail of the show until you witness it with your own eyes, lest your rapturous viewing experience be sullied by spoilers on the Internet. Now, most people would recognize this foible as being susceptible to modern technology, and would act accordingly by not checking the Internet until they viewed the most recent episode. Oh no.
No, the Internet apparently BELONGS to Losties. You can’t make a change in your personal habits to ensure your enjoyment of the show; no, Twitter must change to meet your needs. Everyone from Twitter to Facebook to the Google cache of their old Geocities site needs to shut the hell up about “Lost” until everyone on the God damn planet has finished watching the entire series. Because everything is a spoiler to someone. EVERYTHING.
We can’t talk about last week’s episode yet because Johnny Jackass was on a business trip and hasn’t gotten to his DVR yet. In fact, anything in Season 6 is off-limits because we all need to be respectful of overseas viewers who have only watched through Season 5. Oh, and you know what? Bob and Mary Jane Johnson of Sioux Falls were a little late getting into the show, so they’re only halfway through Season 2 on DVD at the moment. “What do you mean Season 4 has flashforwards instead of flashbacks? THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, JERK!”
The thing is, I don’t expect you to change, Losties. But just as you’re an immovable object bitching about spoilers, so too can I be an irresistible force of Internet spoilers. And so, starting tonight at approximately 9:20 p.m. Eastern (the time at which I can DVR through commercials), I will live-tweet EVERY SPOILER I FEEL LIKE from my personal twitter feed. Why? Because someone needs to do it. Because I’m a dick. Because SUCK IT, you deserve it.
Now, I’ll keep things perfectly civil and within Internet decorum here at Warming Glow and the @WarmingGlow feed. Losties will remain welcome here. But @mattufford? That’s the line in the sand. You’re dead to me. Unfollow me or I will take delight in spoiling every aspect of “Lost” for you. It’s on, bitches.
Have a nice day.
Matt
(Ed. Note: part of this letter is featured at 815 Sentences About Lost)
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Talk about tasteless and unintelligent…Where does anyone get off that spewing bitter horseshit makes you a hip or cute writer? LOST isn’t for anyone. It’s SMART television. This sounds exactly like an ignorant raving child who can’t understand something, so instead acts like an ass and has to ruin everyone else’s joy by throwing a tantrum. Grow … See Morethe hell up.
That a show can breed so much positive thinking and astounding social interaction that venom-spewing dipshits like this feel they must counter it by lashing out hatefully is proof in itself of how lasting and impactful the show really is. God forbid anyone be blessed with something actually GOOD that brings us together.
I am a Lost fan and a Whedon Fan!!!! Only the best mind-escape television for me. I’ve moved from calgon take me away to Buffy,Spike,Sawyer take me anywhere!
LOST requires a brain. For those who want to be spoon fed and can’t keep up, I suggest you stick with Barney.
I hope you love something some day. Just so I can crush it.
This post is pointless. You hate “Lost” big deal. So do alot of people. Alot of people love it. who are you to say? Tell us what shows you do like and I’m sure someone will bash it! wow, suprising concept. Everyone is not going to like everything, so good for you, you spent so much time writing a post about a show you dislike. I think to myself you must like some awesome shows since you have a knack for enlightening the rest of us.
oh no. some people don’t like that other people like something. Whoopty Doo.
And you’re not annoying?
I like Lost
Really? Lost fans are worse than Twihards? You’re joking, right? Or have you just never encountered one of these fans? Because the only reason they don’t whine about spoilers is because the series is over… when it was still going on, they were waaay more likely to rip out your throat. And Losties at least let you express your opinion without wanting to hurt you, but Twihards will take you down if you express any other opinion on Eddie-bears hawtness than their own.
Honestly, I really have not experienced much negativity from Losties… and since you managed to find only one actual example of their supposed craziness (the tweet), it seems to me that you’re lumping everybody together just because of one bad experience. Way to overreact.
Open letter to Matt!
You are an idiot!
Is this for real?
You’re honestly THAT angry at die hard LOST fans? Why do you even care like, at all?! lol….Maybe you’re the one who needs to cool it
what is more annoying is people getting so wound up about something they don’t even like. why waste your time?
I’m more concerned by ‘Avatard’ being co-opted by the Ridley Scott film. It was taken! The kids watching The Last Airbender called themselves Avatards for ages, and there was an actual fandom there.
I’m part of the problem, aren’t I.
Apologies on the length. Monolithic blocks of text in the comments section to a blog post are unsightly. But yeah overzealous Lost fans are terrible, to say something in response to the topic of the article. I made the mistake of going back to a fan site the other day and a few people FLIPPED on a guy for SPOILING THE TITLES OF FUTURE EPISODES OF SEASON SIX for them. What the hell could that POSSIBLY spoil? I mean, really. In the words Gob Bluth “Come on!”
@CthulhuSaves That seems like an oversimplification to me. I’d rather watch a show that has a loose framework for its myth and endgame than a show that dogmatically follows plot points and story arcs decided in a writers room months before anyone can see if they work or not. Remember, if Lost isn’t written and conceptualized the way that it is there is no Ben Linus and Ana Lucia doesn’t die right when most people had enough of her…but things like Nikki and Paolo happen. There’s pros and cons with all the different ways of writing a show like Lost, there’s no “right” way to do it. If it validates your own vehement interest in the show to know that in a writers room somewhere Damon, Carlton et al decided to cast in wrought iron the plot of the show months before the premier then that’s fine and perfectly understandable but it strikes me as a little unreasonable, at least on network television. There are many non writing reasons for that (the network decides you need to change things up for ratings, actors get better opportunities on another network/in movies and can’t fulfill the very important roles you NEED them to play etc) where it’s better to have a show that’s flexible to these kinds of things. Lindelof and Cuse have never claimed to know the show’s endgame since the beginning, you’re right to point that out but they have always maintained that they’ve had a vague idea of how it’ll all go down. I don’t think things are quite as haphazard as you make it seem in your post but then again neither of us know for sure how far in advance this Jacob and Man in Black storyline was decided upon as the thing that brings the show to its end. If that taints things for you or anyone else, again, totally understandable but I think with this framework they’ve managed to churn out some compelling television and I’m not convinced that the show could have been substantially improved if every little detail was rubber stamped and certified way back in 2004.
As a diehard Lostie who isn’t dumb enough to read something marked ‘spoiler’ and who doesn’t force my love of the show down anyone’s throat, I’d like to extend the olive branch to those non-Losties who feel annoyed by the obsessives out there. We’re not all like that. As for the outcome of the show, I have some faith that it will “make sense” in the end, but I’m not concerned about every single thing being explained. It’s been a fun ride, and that’s all I want from a TV show. So suck it.
Most of the above article was TLDR, but I did notice one glaring mistake: The author is under the assumption that his suspicions are a “maybe.” Sadly (and I mean that, because I started out as a Lost uber-fan), Carlton and Damon admitted quite a while ago that they’re pretty much making it up as they go. Apart from a few element they want to focus on (that will play out over a particular season), they never know themselves what will happen beyond the next three episodes. Many of the “big mysteries” are things they created to BE mysterious, without actually devising WHAT they real answer/solution is (those “answers” get whipped-up later as needed). Since that effectively means that any puzzle pieces we see on the show don’t actually mean anything at the time, and can’t get “astute” viewers any closer to solving the puzzle, I lost much of my own interest in it, and only watch now because I’ve invested so much time into the show and want to see the ultimate outcome they come up with.
I’ll tell you one thing, though. It really was a lot of fun being a Lostie for a time (back when I believed it was all planned-out and clever). I truly do hope some new show comes along to takes it place; one where they actually DO know the full story, and all the reasons mysterious things are happing, from the get-go. It’s a blast trying to spot puzzle pieces within a show and trying to solve the big “mystery.”
The only thing that makes less sense to me than crazy Lost fanatics is people voluntarily following Ufford on twitter.
You’re dumb. Why does it bother you that people get into and enjoy a show more than you? Does it make you feel like you’re an outsider, not part of the club? I don’t get it.
Anyway, if you go back and rewatch the series, you would see all the proof you need that indeed these writers had this thing sketched out from the get-go, and references to what happens later in the series are in abundance.
But you go on with your hate, you seem to enjoy it.
Im going to throw this out here…I still think the island is purgatory
Did somebody ask for a Klingon speaking Trekkie?
I watch Lost, and I dig it a lot. I am going to go ahead and assume that you are talking about Lost fans that parade around the internet and post on forums for hours. If that’s the case and it annoys you so much, just don’t read it. I hardly think that little time you spend out of your house that the majority of people you encounter in real life are just walking in front of you discussing Lost theories as opposed to going to the mall or a coffee shop and hearing girls talk about Twilight, or wearing Team Edward/Jacob shirts. While I agree the die hard fans are really annoying, I don’t think it anything you have to listen to, or interact with.
“Blogger discovers hardcore fans of something are annoying; posts in response.” Seriously, lets not act like it’s something of an achievement to NOT like Lost. That is borderline worse than being one of those *NO SPOILERZZZZ PWEASE!!!* people.
@Taco_Jones
To be fair, I like LOST, and I’d love for Brett Favre to be torn apart limb from limb by the Smoke Monster
This reads like some of the worst Deadspin articles ranting about why particular teams suck.
HOLY SHIT!! that episode was awesome!!
ZOMG I can’t believe the smoke monster is…….. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH
Goddammit, Burnsy.
You know I actually have a sense of humor about my love for this show. I even get the backlash. And I hate the crazy fans who shout “SPOILERS!!!” at everything just as much as the rest of you.
But, come on, Whedonites are totally worse.
/late to the party
Hey guys what did I miss?
If someone complains about what one of the dozens of people they voluntarily choose to follow on Twitter says, then they are a complete moron. Regardless of subject, you are CHOOSING to hear the random thoughts these people have on WHATEVER they want to talk about. You can censor them yourself by not following them.
anyone remember when that guy chopped up his playboy wife and put her in a suitcase?
That was AWESOME.
/sings “The Way We Were”
Yeah, those guys are terrible.
Used to be part of a “lost fan-site” that devolved into a group of people who sometimes talked about the show. Came back after a few years to the chat- I got “warned” by a mod for mentioning that a certain character was going to show up at one point- even though the character’s actor was ALREADY MENTIONED IN THE CREDITS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE.
My apologies, monkebusiness.
Monkey Business, you can still go fuck yourself right up the ass.
I’d agree with many of the above comments if I’d read them, but The Entourage fans are going to have something to say about the appropriation of their Douchebags tag.
I hate rabid fans of any entertainment avenue, save for Saints fans who deserved it. I’ve never seen more than 10 minutes of Lost, seems like a contrived gimmicky shitshow by a bunch of writers who are clever enough to just stay 5 minutes ahead of their nerdy following. I think after you hit 25 years of age and are still much more rabid and defensive of some fantasy tv show than you have passion for your own life it should hit you in your tiny nads with immense perspective.
Matt, you royally f***ed up the execution on this! Why the bitter rant. The Matt I’ve come to know from lurking around here would have just started posting the spoilers without warning. Did someone kick your dog today? Make fun of cat photoshops? I come here for the absolute merciless haranguing of idiots, done with a smile. Now get back out there and f*** with people, WITHOUT EMOTION FROM YOUR PART!!
This is the first time I have ever posted here, though I’ve been on the site for a long time…
This post is fucking awesome and sums up my feelings on almost all the people I know who watch lost. I’m tired of people looking at me like I just nutted on them, when all I said is I don’t watch lost.
Fuck lost and thank you Matt for putting it out there.
Otto Man, please enlighten me.
Sweet Jesus, if you stopped in season three, it’s not going to make any sense. I recommend you go spend three days with the inmates at Lostpedia.
Over sixty comments without any Alison Stokke pictures?
Nice job. Matt.
Thanks Matt. But, to everyone else: fire away. I deserve it for even Tweeting about Lost in any fashion.
SAMCROW rapes Lost in the Ass. With the exception of Mr. Ecko, aint no one raping Adebisi.
Otto Man, please enlighten me.
Also, I watch SoA and not Lost. My roommate watches Lost and not SoA. I’m quite certain I can beat up my roommate. I think it’s because of which shows we like.
Lost Fans are the same as people who care if Brett Favre comes back.
I agree 100 percent with you, ufford, I’ve been enjoying lsot since it first came on, but I’m not an obessive weirdo, people like those ruin anything good (see watchmen, Star Wars, lord of the rings, star trek, Monty Python, the simpsons) for the people who just want to enjoy it for what it is, a very good show/movie/series/book.
I’ve got confirmation from Mr. Monke that he is NOT the MonkeyBusiness of Kissing Suzy Kolber infamy.
Also, he apparently meant that tweet sarcastically, so go easy on him.
I think I speak for all Lost fans when I say, “OW, My ass hurts from being butt-fucked every week by this show!”
We will not stand to be ridiculed!
http://goo.gl/puSc
Guest stars are spoilers now? I hadn’t realized since almost every show on television SAYS who is guest starring in the first 30 seconds of post-opening credits. If I were to go back and watch that episode, I’m pretty sure I’d see Rob McElhenney’s name near the beginning, but I don’t actually care enough to do so.
Dustin Monke, you are a fucking retard. Go die in a fire.
@mosecret
Actually, the whole show is just an autistic kid’s daydream from looking at a snow globe.
i came
@Oweazy
I like how you casually glossed over this sentence in order to make your point:
“I’m writing to you today on behalf of people who watch and enjoy “Lost” but aren’t, you know, totally drinking the Cuse-Lindelof Kool-Aid.”
(On another note, what do I have to type in the comments box for italics? I know there’s usually two ways to do it, but I don’t know which one Uproxx uses.)
One of my wife’s friends likes Lost, she is the least favorite of my wife’s friends. Coincidence? I think not.
NERD RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(also, toyota keyboard.)
I’m a Lost fan, and I can’t possibly give enough +1′s or whatever the hell we’re doing now for this post.
Seriously, there’s a reason I make sure to watch Lost the same night it airs and avoid twitter from 6PM until whenever the hell I watch it on Tuesdays. If you don’t want to get spoiled, then don’t get spoiled. But going on fbook or twitter the same time the episode airs and visiting a TV blog before you’ve had the chance to watch it is just asinine.
And Monkey Business, now that I’ve seen your act on KSK and now here, get fucked with a chainsaw.
/Monkey Business is the dick joke
I usually blame myself if I spoil an episode for rooting around the internet right before it airs. Staying off the internet till Wed. shouldn’t be that hard.
Here is the biggest spoiler for fans of Lost:
In the final episode, featuring a cameo by Patrick DUffy, it will be revealed that the whole thing was just a bad dream he had and all is well back at the ranch.
I check all the uproxx sites daily, love all of them. That said, the Lost hating is getting pretty aggravating. I mean, I guess you’re compelled to post about Lost cuz it brings a lot of hits to the site but seriously, like Chazz said, people who have this irrational, vehement opposition to Lost are easily just as aggravating as hardcore fans. Basically what I’m getting at is, its your site obviously but as a dedicated follower of this blog I’ll consider tuning out if this becomes a reoccurring theme. At least provide some coverage from both ways. Literally every post that mentions Lost mentions either how crazy the fans are or how you only casually enjoy the show as opposed to the crazy fans.
I don’t think that’s the Monkey Business we all know and love*, but merely the alternate universe Monkey Business created after Juliet smacked the bomb, who never became a Fat Hump in the first place…but perhaps I’ve said too much.
Swearing? Things like that are why I am leaving this blog.
the attitude in this letter is why I rarely visit this blog
Attitude? On the Internet?!? Heavens to Betsy! Don’t let the children see!
@Enrico- Since everyone I know who watches SOA also watches Lost, does that mean they’ll wail on themselves and then somehow fist themselves against their own will? The idea that watching a TV show about a biker gang makes you vicariously tougher than someone who watches a tv show about an island is hysterical- so I hope that was a joke.
No one cares what you think, WarmingBlow. Go set your house on fire so you can get closer to the smoke monster.
Every single Sons Of Anarchy fan would beat the shit out of every single Lost fan. And then we will rape you.
Oh yeah, the attitude in this letter is why I rarely visit this blog. I almost forgot. Thanks for reminding me.
If I were Dustin, my Twitter handle would be @PharaoheMonke
“So you don’t want to know that the winner of the season will go on to have no meaningful career?”
Yeah, right. And next you’ll tell me that couples from the Bachelor don’t even get married.
Did you notice how in the first sentence Matt says “Christlike” and then in the first sentence after the tweets he says “God damn”?
I WONDER WHAT THIS MEANS? THERE MUST BE SYMBOLISM! IT’S ALL A PART OF SOMETHING GREATER!
(seriously though, simma down Matt. It’s a good show but I swear there are more people who HATE “Losties” than there are Losties themselves. Kind of like Italians.)
Nitty Gritty, they’ve actually explained both the smoke monster and the polar bears.
As for the fat guy, I’m betting he’s eating the other survivors.
Matt, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the Circle of Trust.
The only thing I pay strict attention to from Lost is how many characters from Deadwood appear in the series. Thus far, I’ve spotted Trixie, Sol Starr, EB, Calamity Jane, Joanie Stubbs and Adams. What’s this about a smoke monster being on the show? Hadn’t noticed.
Ever since the light in the hatch came on for Locke, this show has gone downhill. I gave up on the show in the middle of season 3 when I realized they had no intention of ever explaining the polar bear or the smoke monster. Not to mention why that fat dude never loses a pound. Great post, Its just like you said, “there is no grand puzzle”.
dammit matt i cant quit you! see you guys after i download and watch lost
Seriously, though. Is that THE Monkey Business?
Also, what happened to the Tweet This button? I don’t want to stumble upon it, I want to tweet, dammit.
drowning kittens is surprisingly good exercise.
/pushes glasses up nose.
haha good post, i love lost but am not obsessed with every minute detail about the show, also i love the quote “…Oh, and you know what? Bob and Mary Jane Johnson of Sioux Falls were a little late getting into the show, so they’re only halfway through Season 2 on DVD at the moment.” bc i’m from sioux falls, and one of my ex’s parents names were bob and mary jane johnson. anyway keep up the good work
Honestly- as insufferable as lost fans discussing the show may be, people complaining about how annoying Lost fans are is getting just as obnoxious.
Its an entertaining enough show- I talk about it with people who i know watch it and anyone overhearing us that just can’t deal with it can fuck right off. Anyone complaining about spoilers from twitter-feeds, facebook, or websites devoted to television can also fuck right off.
Dammit, Chazz. You spoiled my spoiler.
Couldnt agree more with this letter.
Spoil Lost all you want, but no American Idol spoilers dammit.
So you don’t want to know that the winner of the season will go on to have no meaningful career? Or do you want to be surprised by that? Again?
Lost fans are like battered wives… trapped in an abusive relationship where they will never be satisfied and knocked around at the slightest whim of their partner. “He doesn’t MEAN to never give me answers… it’s not his fault the plot is so fucked up! It’s my fault because I didn’t come back from the fridge fast enough…”
Thank god this is going to end soon…
@UU: The high ratings from lonely women and former members of college acapella groups will not generate actual musical success for the eventual winner who will be splitting his or her time between singing commercial jingles and cut ribbons at new Wal-Marts.
um, spoiler alert.
/Did I do that right?
May I point everyone to a video about annoying “Lost” fans, from the funny people at “The Onion”
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/final_season_of_lost_promises_to
I’ll tell you one thing that will never spoil: My man-milk.
Spoil Lost all you want, but no American Idol spoilers dammit.
FEAST, I read a few lines of that and I am even more thankful I’ve never given this show a chance.
Shit. I can’t remember if I locked Patty’s Drain-o closet or not.
No way that was fathump monkeybusiness. If I know anything about Physics, and I don’t, its that one person can’t occupy that much of the available “Total Dipshit” spectrum.
Dude, Mac from Always Sunny was on LOST like 3 seasons ago. This was his SECOND appearance, everybody knows that!
Aside from having a hot and sweaty Evangaline Lily, I’ve always thought that this show sucked. Am I wrong?
http://www.lostisagame.com
HA. I ruined the entire show for everyone.
All I know about “Lost” is that there’s a Pole-Smoking Bear Monster.
Am I right?
Bra-fucking-vo. It’s about God-damned time.
Any other expressions I can interrupt with an expletive?
I didn’t know Matt co-authored Roboshark. My bad for sending you a link or 2 from there.
I have never seen an episode of Lost so everyone is spoiling everything for me.
Preach.
Can’t be. If it was THAT Monkey Business, he would have needed 30 tweets to get one message across. He probably can’t even order from Wendy’s in less than 160 characters.
Lost fans vs. Whedon fans: discuss.
Is that the fathump Monkebusiness?
The best part is that Mac had already been on the fucking show, and they were just coming back to the character. His involvement wasn’t anything new, and you’d think an obsessive-compulsive fan would fucking remember that.
Moreover, all you did was say he was on the show again. No plot spoilers about the episode or anything like that — and seriously, once the show airs on broadcast television, plot points are fair game.
Fucking idiot.