“Mad Men” actress Christina Hendricks graces the cover the new issue of Esquire, and I think I speak for everyone when I say “AWOOOOOOOGAAAA!!!!” while my eyes pop out of my head and my tongue rolls out of my mouth onto the ground (In this cartoon reality, I also remove a submarine from my pants). Hendricks offers her first-person take (on behalf of all women) on lingerie, panties, gentlemanly behavior, and why she likes men who drink Scotch. Some excerpts:

Remember what we like. When I first started dating my husband, I had this weird fascination with the circus and clowns and old carnival things and sideshow freaks and all that. About a month after we started dating, he bought me this amazing black-and-white photo book on the circus in the 1930s, and I started sobbing. Which freaked him out. I thought, Oh, my God, I mentioned this three or four weeks ago and talked about it briefly, but he was really listening to me. [because he looks like this - Ed.] And he actually went out and researched and found this thing for me. It was amazing.

We want you to order Scotch. It’s the most impressive drink order. It’s classic. It’s sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It’s not watered down with fruit juice. It’s Scotch. And you ordered it.

Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying “panties”? It’s sexy. It’s girlie. It’s naughty. Say it more.

So if my notes are correct, the key to landing a woman like Christina Hendricks is to drink scotch, say “panties” a lot, and lavish her with gifts of vintage clown pictures. I don’t want to call her a liar, but I’ve been doing that for the last ten years now, and I don’t even have a girlfriend. I know, hard to believe, right?

Note: The last time that Christina Hendricks appeared in Esquire was the last time that I took a couple days off and left the site in the hands of a guest editor. Does that mean that Christina and I are secretly vacationing together twice a year? Ummm… yes?