Jeez. The piggyback race at Sarah Jessica Parker's family reunion is REALLY well-attended.

(Matt is off to enjoy the gorgeous Friday afternoon.  I, your friendly warm weather correspondent, am here to guide you through the upcoming weekend)

Kentucky Derby (NBC, Saturday) – There are precious few days in contemporary society when it is socially acceptable to begin drinking bourbon before dinner.  CHERISH THEM MORE THAN YOUR CHILDREN.  Want to feel poor?  Here’s an article about the $1,000 mint julep served on the grounds.

The Soup (E!, Friday) – I weep for the day when Joel McHale finally outgrows E!  Cherish this more than your children, too.

Private Chefs of Beverly Hills (Food Network, Friday) – Whatever, I couldn’t care less about this show.  But mentioning the Food Network gives me an excuse to tell you that Giada de Laurentiis (who I’m on record as being in love with), slipped a nipple on the air recently (NSFW).

Iconoclasts (Sundance, Saturday) – This is a rerun of the Robert Redford-Paul Newman episode.  It’s pretty decent, but I mention it because the title of the episode is “Robert Redford on Paul Newman.”  It got me thinking about how guys love to watch lesbian action, but girls don’t dig guy-on-guy stuff.  Too many balls, perhaps?

White House Correspondents’ Dinner (every other GD channel, Saturday) – Jay Leno is the featured speaker.  It’s insane that we live in a world where the President of the United States is funnier than the host of The Tonight Show.  (Exhibit A: video of Obama at last year’s dinner.)  On the other hand, Jay has a lot more experience with national defense.  Dude bombs five nights a week.

60 Minutes (CBS, Sunday) – As discussed far and wide on the Internet, the in depth interview with Conan.  I would pay $100 to be the one who gets to explain The Masturbating Bear to Andy Rooney.  “The bear masturbates with its paws?  If I were a bear, I’d catch two rabbits and rub them together on my penis.  Rabbit fur is soft.  Speaking of soft things, would Viagra work on a bear?  I like to think it would.  Bears with E.D. make me sad.”

Breaking Bad (AMC) and Pacific/Treme (HBO) – Three shows I have not seen a lick of that I’ll be very involved in once my finals are over.

Inside Cocaine Submarines (National Geographic, Sunday) – A show about cocaine smuggling from Colombia to Mexico.  Quentin Tarantino thinks Cocaine Submarine would be both a great movie title and a delicious sandwich.