TV Host Hired Hobo Assassins
05.17.10
In what is instantly my favorite story of the day, Juan-Carlos Cruz — a former TV chef who hosted “Calorie Commando” and “Weighing In” on the Food Network — has been arrested for solicitation to commit murder. More specifically, he tried to hire homeless people to kill for him. I know, I know: it’s almost TOO ingenious.
Santa Monica police say homeless people told the city’s homeless liason that Cruz approached them on the street and offered them money for a killing…
The 48-year-old was arrested Thursday and booked on suspicion of solicitation to commit murder. He was being held on $5 million bail. [AP via Popeater]
Man, I can appreciate how expensive it is to kill someone, especially in this economy, but I really can’t recommend outsourcing your crimes to hobos. Oh sure, if the crime you’re planning is violating an open-container law or urinating on someone’s lawn, homeless people are the way to go. But something tells me that if they were qualified assassins, they wouldn’t be sleeping on a park bench. Just a hunch.
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The first 7 responses are friggin’ hilarious, says this here troll-er… I gots ta ‘likey’ ya just fer that!
Juan Carlos’ real crime, trying to use applesauce as low fat recipe substitute for eggs. Disgusting.
Hobo assassins have trouble evading capture because they tend to leave plenty of DNA at the scene. Mostly in their grotty shoes which they instinctively swap for the victim’s.
Funny story, kinda odd to hear about a chef doing something like that. Wonder who it was and what happened that it got *that* bad, or maybe the chef is just incredibly evil or insane or something. Who knows anymore. Skimming through the comments, tons of hate for hobos lol, very weird.
When interrogated by the police, the hobo said “TV transmissions block your pancake batter! The world wide interweb is going to snare my ovaries. OVARIES!”
The problem was there wasn’t a slow moving frieght train close enough for the hobos to make their getaway. Looks like someone FINALLY went to the police.
http://lantz.goldenagecartoons.com/1950s/buncobusters03.jpg
The problem with hiring a hobo assassin is that bludgeoning with a can of beans leaves a messy crime scene.
@UU – If you change the name to “Little Hobo Assassins,” TLC is ready to green light that thing today.
Well if the hobo didn’t kill his wife, the overseasoned tilapia certainly will. Use some restraint Juan!
A lot of things can go wrong when you hire a hobo assassin. One I wouldn’t expect is them telling the cops.
Here’s the most shocking part of the story: the police took the hobo seriously when he approached them and said, “I’d like to report a crime. A TV chef just offered me money to murder his wife.”
“the city’s homeless liason”
That’s a resume builder.
Juan-Carlos Cruz says that revenge is a dish best served cold…along with chopped fresh basil and teaspoon of minced garlic.
Serves one.
In a perfect world there would be a kick ass tv show titled “Hobo Assassins”