Here’s a nice picture of some happy dogs who would love to get a big hug (full version here, thanks to Jordan for sharing). They’re the pleasant part of this post, because the image that goes with this story is Not Safe For Eyes. The fact that part of the image below is blurred actually makes it worse: it gives your brain a little bit of free reign to imagine just how terrible it might be.

Okay, let’s do this. So: you know Danielle Staub? Unmarried woman who’s a “Real Housewife of New Jersey”? Former prostitute and coke dealer? Leaked NSFW pictures of an alleged sex tape? Right. Well, it may surprise you to know that she’s had three breast augmentation surgeries (I know, right? I thought she was 100% natural). And on the last episode of ‘Real Housewives,” Danielle went in to get her tits fixed, because they look like…

(Are you sure you’re ready? Don’t keep reading if you haven’t steeled yourself.)

The Hollywood Gossip recounts the details of this horror:

She’s had three previous “augmentations” (I hate that word), none of which turned out well.  Evidently she also got a staph infection in one of her boobs and now it’s all lopsided and hard…

Danielle meets with a plastic surgeon in his office in a strip mall. Evidently Franklin Lakes is one never ending strip mall. Of the freak boob she explains, “It’s hard, it’s cold, it doesn’t get the body temperature like my body.” She goes on, “I do suffer because of the breast implants. It causes a lot of pain for me. Every day, every minute of every hour of every day.” [...]

Later, Danielle heads in to get her breast surgery. We are treated to another look of Danielle’s blurred-out boobs and we gag and cover our eyes. She wants us to know that she is a natural girl at heart who normally shuns such vain cosmeticprocedures. We look upon her freakishly high eyebrows, protruding cheekbones, and overly plumped lips and we totally believe her.

“Nature’s been very good to me so far,” says Danielle. “Getting my breasts done is really out of necessity. It wasn’t for aesthetic reasons. Umm, I want to be very clear about that.”

Once in the operating room, we get to enjoy even more blurred-out boob action. Her doctor tells those assembled around Danielle’s naked torso, “She has one of the biggest deformities ever. It’s depressed.”

Ugh, so is my penis after all of that. I’m gonna need to watch a lot of porn to remind myself that breast implants can be a good thing.