Personally, I think Guy Fieri should keep the beard.

Matt’s waiting for someone to come hook up his cable at his new apartment.  So he can’t even check in on us for a couple hours.  You know what that means – midday drinking party with Uncle DG!  Call all your friends.

I love The Food Network.  I really do.  But they’re making it hard for me to sustain that love lately.  The main culprit is the epic douche on the right side of the banner pic, the host of “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives,” Guy Fieri.  The show itself should be fantastic.  Each episode features three restaurants, usually ones that are either quintessentially small town, quirky, and/or notable.  Once there, the proprietor is interviewed, they show how to make a couple of their signature dishes, and they talk to some satisfied customers.  That’s a great formula – one that should be really hard to screw up.  Oh, but they do.

Guy Fieri rolls in at the top of every show looking like the front man of a Smash Mouth tribute band, all bleach blonde spiked hair and wristbands pushed up to his mid-forearm.  It’s as though he looked in the mirror one day in 1998 and said, “Well, this is certainly a timeless look,” before buying crates of Kryptonite hair gel.  Once he gets inside, his personality picks up right where his style left off, saying sentences (somehow with a straight face) like, “Wow, that’s one crunchtastic ride to Flavortown!”  Ugh.

Worst of all is the big deal he makes about his patented “Hunch” maneuver he uses when eating a drippy, gooey sandwich.  Ooo, so you lean forward when you take a bite to keep food particles and sauces from falling onto your clothes?  Wherever did you come up with such a genius plan of attack?  Possibly from watching EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITH HALF A BRAIN WHO HAS EVER EATEN A MESSY SANDWICH?! It’s not a novel idea just because you ruined countless bowling shirts before figuring it out, jackass.  It just means you’re a dimwit.

In conclusion, please click through for an example of the proper way to produce a cooking show: