The Bachelorette (ABC) — Season finale. Will Ali choose Roberto or Chris? Answer: they’re just going to break up. This whole season was just a cog in ABC’s Perpetual Bachelor Machine™. It exists because it can’t be stopped.

Scream Queens (VH1) — Season premiere. Attractive women battle for the right to appear in a horror movie. Forecast: Sexy and dumb, with a 100% chance of cleavage.

Money Hungry (VH1) — Series premiere. In case you missed the trailer for this last week, go watch it now. Fat people breaking furniture is never not funny.

Shark Attack Survival Guide (Discovery) — Isn’t there some variant of this EVERY year during Shark Week? I feel like I could learn more by getting high and watching this GIF for an hour.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — If you liked Kitchen Confidential, you might be interested in tonight’s “Where It All Began” special that looks at Bourdain’s culinary roots. “…and here’s the walk-in freezer where I snorted an eight-ball and had a threesome with two waitresses.”

The Good Guys (Fox) — This is being called the “summer finale” instead of the “season finale” because Fox will have new episodes in the fall, which is a different season than the summer. It’s better you not ask questions.