Anyone Can Grow Up to Be President
09.16.10I try to stay away from political discussion on this blog, because people who like to argue politics have terrible senses of humor (and also because dog Photoshops are a nobler and more intellectual pursuit). But Christine O’Donnell — the Republican nominee for Senator in Delaware — is a viable topic here because this is a story less about politics than it is about masturbation. And boy oh boy is masturbation a topic I welcome at Warming Glow. I get a boner just thinking about it. Does that make you uncomfortable, Christine? That I’m slowly stroking my turgid root while watching old footage of you railing against masturbation?
“The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can’t masturbate without lust!”
Au contraire, mama. For you, I can jerk it out of pure spite.
Also, for any Republicans out there, I’d like to remind you that you can still uphold family values and fiscal conservatism WITHOUT voting for the moron with the pretty face. Please, go out and rock the vote. Preferably towards people who are living in the 21st century. Or at least the late 20th.
[TPM]
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Anyone can grow up to ruin the Republicans’ chances of taking over the Senate this fall
This picture made me laugh about as much as the new Sunny later tonight. Of course, I can see into the future.
I masturbate with shame and hate.
You can’t masturbate without lust, but you can without lube. However, I recommend lube.
“For you, I can jerk it out of pure spite.”
Dude, when did you get married? Congrats!
@Pauly – in that order?
I masturbate with confusion and desperation, usually.
I didn’t realize that Jennifer Aniston hated masturbation.
Sorry, but a report about jacking off and Rachael Maddow don’t go together very well, unless you’re into butch looking lesbos.
@ILPHAPH, nice call.
I will not vote for a player with yourself hater.
If God did not mean for us to masturbate, he would not have created Sofia Vergara.
Wow, this is just shocking… I had no idea that Rachel Maddow’s show was still on the air, and that someone out there actually watches it.
But, is it okay if the lustful thoughts that you masturbate to are about your spouse? Haha! Just kidding. That’s gross.
I will, however, stroke in the voting booth. Pulling the lever, the call it.
I too am a member of The SALT: Spanking Alot Later Today.
How are you supposed to watch The Passion without bating?
“…then why am I in the picture?” *shrugs* For your cunt?
@AEVC: Because she’s cheaper than tissue? Because unlike your roommate’s socks, she’ll go clean herself up? Because he thinks he has a civic duty to shove something in your mouth to get you to stop talking?
I don’t masturbate because I have lust in my heart!
/it’s in my snatch
“…then why am I in the picture?”
Jon Stewart’s response: “Because I can’t reach it with my mouth?”
*sprints through Warming Glow with a toaster on his dick*
WOOHOO! REPUBLICANS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!
Lust is the nickname for my spank sock, so I guess she is right in a way.
If God doesn’t want me to masturbate, then why did he create the Rabbit?
You just know that “youth pastor” dude totally fingerblasted Christine and that black-lipstick marketing girl at the same time.
What was Nancy Allen doing sat with the fundamentalists? I’d have thought Brian De Palma’s ex has indulged in all manner of Commandment breaking violations. Especially the one about making of graven images.
It’s all about interpretation. I love my neighbor as I love myself.
/huge slut and chronic masturbater.
If these girls don’t masturbate, I’m also guessing they don’t believe in pubic grooming.
When I jerk off I feel good for about twenty seconds and then WHAM it’s right back into suicidal depression
Screw 9/11′s burn a Quran day…. I say 11/2 is jerk off to the thought of Christine O’Donnell lossing day.
(BTW 11/2 is election day)
If God didn’t want me to masturbate, why did he make me so damn irresistable?!
I have to masturbate. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.
I’m trying to get going here… perhaps if she wasn’t wearing the stupid t-shirt under the dress. *inserts crucifix up ass* Okay, now we’re getting somewhere…
Is masturbation a major issue in the Senate? I need to follow politics more closely.
If God didn’t want me to masturbate, why did he make my vagina dildo-sized?
I was much more excited about this when I thought it was about Chris O’Donnell talking about masturbation.
*Puts penis back in pants*
Ugh. I’m from delaware and this fiscally-irresponsible twat is plastered over every television show I watch. Maybe now I’ll start watching major network shows. I tend to keep it on AMC, FX, A&E and Discovery. I suppose the moral of the story is that when watching TV, only watch the networks where lowly Delaware pundits aren’t able to afford the advertising rates.
Maybe this country could turn the corner if we all stopped hiding behind the Bible and started beating it more.
What would Jesus do? I assume that he’d masturbate.
If God didn’t want me to masturbate, he wouldn’t have invented binoculars.
99.9% percent of people masturbate. The other .1% don’t have arms.
“Is masturbation a major issue in the Senate?”
Never did a stint as a page, huh?
If God didn’t want us to masturbate,, why did he create marriage?
Chino is running away with the thread, for the win.
We should give out an award. Perhaps thirty lashes and a Santonio Holmes blow-up doll?
@Procrabtinate -
I too, bear the shame of being from Delaware. I had to drive from work in Bethesda to vote, and I got this shit-stained result to show for it.
Learn from my lesson kids. Voting is a waste of time.
/The More You Know
Chino worked hard, ILPH, why don’t you make it sixty lashes.
@1lphph – You’re right behind. Maybe you can award her with a reach-around on her dildo.
@Dave – maybe we can split the award and she’ll reciprocate?
Clarification – Not on my dildo.
I don’t own one of those.
/I lease with an option to buy.
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It is very humorous, when O’Donnell speaks on a biblical principal of sexuality taught by Jesus, that the morally bankrupt culture can’t even comprehend it, never mind supporting the notion of taking the moral high-ground instead perversity.
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No, if someone pursues the moral high road, this Sodom and Gomorrah culture will do their best to drag her into the cesspool. The reaction is more a reflection on how our culture has gotten so comfortable wading in the cesspool.
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The response to O’Donnell is a great demonstration of self-justified anti-tolerance. If she espoused some form of perversity, everyone would be cool with that. But, if she talking about sexual purity – the smear machine goes into hyper-drive.
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We try so hard to accept Islam while being experts at Christian-bashing.
Hate to break it to you, N Waff, but Islam forbids masturbation also. In fact, the moral prohibitions against masturbation in both religions stem from the same basic writings and culture.
Is it masturbating if someone is in the same room, looking at you? Can anyone check that in the bible for me, please?
@ N Waff, @JCar – Actually the “principle” of masturbation being a sin is a misreading of an old testament verse (Lev 15:16) that makes the spiller of seed unlcean, and a since revised interpretation of Onan’s spilling semen on the ground rather than impregnating his brother’s wife. Finally, Matt 5:28 the “lust in your eye” verse, if read literally, would be having all Christians cut their eyes out. The point is not to get all uppity because we’re all sinners.
To recap: pulling out after screwing your brother’s wife (because God told you to) is bad, after you come you have to take a shower then you’re unclean all night, and go cut your eyes out….
/puts down bible, picks up SI swimsuit issue at walmart, goes to take a shower, and is unclean for the rest of the day.
/Oh, and looks for a dull rusty knife….
Did this post get so many comments because it’s about religion or masturbation?
Also, in defense of the Bible back then they didn’t have google image search. Game changer.
N Waff,
We comprehend what she says perfectly fine. We’re just not going to stop jerking off.
This is a humor site and adults are making jokes. Try not to interrupt when we’re talking.
As for “self-justified anti-tolerance”, just…wow. Most people who have spent their lives not getting laid at least have some book smarts to show for it.