Bristol Palin really does it all: she became a single teen mom and encouraged other girls to abstain from sex, then she clomped around on her fat hooves and failed her way up into the finals of “Dancing with the Stars” solely because her mother is one of the most divisive people in America. And she managed to do it all while becoming the first “DWTS” contestant to get fatter. Bravo.

Palin herself acknowledged that she hadn’t shed any weight while on the show. ”I haven’t really noticed a change in [my body],” she told “Access Hollywood.” “I think most people lose weight [on the show] because they’re too stressed out to eat. I haven’t had that problem!” [NYDN]

Yes, that’s certainly it, Bristol, YOU DISGUSTING IDIOTIC GARBAGE SACK OF LARD. Of all the contestants in eleven seasons of the show, every dancer has lost weight because of stress-induced anorexia — not from, say, hours and hours of dancing. Yes, finally, Bristol has shown the key to success and health on “Dancing with the Stars”: don’t practice so hard, and stuff your face with more food. She’s a champion of the American people.