In an exclusive exchange with E! News, Charlie Sheen is clearing up all the rumors about Two and a Half Men being on the verge of cancellation, his father Martin seeking a conservatorship, and the film Navy Seals.
“All crap.”
In the least dignified communication in the history of human communication (seriously, is there something worse than a 45-year old man in a fright wig sending texts to the E! Network to deny rumors that he’s going to have to move back in with his parents?), Sheen continued, using a world news misdirect to avoid accepting that he is a pill popping sex maniac who has started in not one, but two of the Scary Movies. He will never speak about any of this as long as he is alive!
“Believe nothing. I will never speak about any of this as long as I’m alive. You’re all gonna have to keep towing the same redundant line, guessing wrong … BTW, two wars are in an endless state of sorrow. Egypt about burned to the ground, and all you people care about is my bullsh**….?”
There you have it. Straight from the Sheen himself. Or, you know, anyone who had access to his phone.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.wg.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/04/fieri-dolphin-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wg.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/03/CHARLIE-150x150.jpg)
I…agree with Charlie?
Well except for banging Bree Olsen, that girl is just sad.
He’s not wrong, but I can’t imagine anyone turning to E! for the latest on the Egyptian Revolution
Oh, Charlie. I can care about the situation in Egypt and simultaneously think that you’re a huge douchebag.
Motherfucker has a point. But on the other hand, he is the guy whose early work with Hanes paved the way for millions of Americans to get rid of bacon collar — he had to know that he was inviting this type of speculation into his life with that…
I want to be EgyptSheen!
But then I’d have to give up my MichaelBayRuit citizenship.
Is he trying to say Egyptians can’t hit a curveball?
Porn star on Stern said Sheen has all gold teeth because his original teeth are rotted from drug use.
So I’ll listen to what he has to say.
“Believe nothing. I will never speak about any of this as long as I’m alive”.
*Waits for Sheen’s re-animated corpse to fill us in.
I got a text from someone who has access to his phone too:
8=>~
Think it’s a code?
“As long as I’m alive..”
So about three weeks, then?
Anywho, I think Charlie has some more drugs to do. He’s making too much sense right now.
GAH! anyHOO! I guess that’s the price I pay for trying to be casual.
*does five lines with charlie* FUCK YOU GUYS! I DON’T HAVE TO IMPRESS YOU! *stabs a hooker in the tit*
Its terrifying that Sheen has interviews lined up after he dies.
Am I the only one more likely to watch a reality show of Sheen’s hooker/coke benders then Two and Half Men.