“Kids Incorporated”

It’s not unusual for children to imitate their favorite pop stars or “make believe” that they are performing in front of a crowd. However, it is unusual for kids to actually start a professional band and perform choreographed song and dance routines at a local theater without any adult supervision whatsoever. But on “Kids Incorporated,” that’s what happened week after nauseating week. It was like “Glee,” except a little less gay-themed and and a lot more gay. Please note that it was still acceptable to use “gay” as a pejorative in 1984, so that joke was grandfathered in.

The show never explained who was funding these elaborate children’s performances, so we can only assume it was the work of a well-financed ring of Belgian pedophiles. But whoever was behind it, they have a lot to answer for. “Kids Incorporated” launched the careers of noted A-holes Mario Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and worst of all, Stacy Ferguson, which means my hatred of “Fergie” now spans four decades.

While I find this show to be the most repulsive on the list, I must admit I do enjoy watching Fergie get destroyed by a giant sperm at the end of the intro.

“Hannah Montana”

Much like sleeping with a tranny, watching this show leaves an unpleasant, confusing aftertaste in my mouth. Perhaps that’s why I find the “Hannah Montana” theme song, “The Best of Both Worlds,” so very apropos.

Miley Stewart seems like your average everyday teenager, but in reality, she’s living a double life as the world-famous pop star, “Hannah Montana.” Billy Ray Cyrus seems like a brain-dead hick, but in reality, he made a billion dollars by exploiting his children. Coincidence? I think not.

“The Mickey Mouse Club” (1990′s)

In the film It’s a Wonderful Life, a suicidal man named George Bailey is visited by his guardian angle and shown an alternative world in which he was never born. This helps George realize that his existence has made the world a better place in countless ways. The exact opposite is true of the 1990′s version of “The Mickey Mouse Club.”

If “The Mickey Mouse Club” had never existed, the careers of Christina Aguilera, JC Chasez, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake would never have gotten off the ground. The boy-band ‘N Sync would never have formed. The songs “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Genie in a Bottle” would never have been recorded. There would have been no “Nipplegate” at Superbowl Super Bowl XXXVIII, and the resulting FCC backlash would never have occurred. The name “Kevin Federline” would mean nothing to you. “The Voice” would not be one of the most popular shows in America. And while I can’t prove it, I’m pretty sure the September 11th Attacks would have been thwarted.