GET OUTTA THE SHOT, KUTCHER

Jessica Alba’s big break in Hollywood was being cast as the leather-pants-wearing, motorcycle-riding, people-in-the-face-kicking, also-something-computery-doing lead in the short-lived Fox series “Dark Angel,” which was created by a fresh-off-Titanic-Oscar-winnig, already-eff-you-money-having, probably-distracted-by-weird-cameras-for-Avatar-building James Cameron. In a recent interview with Marie Claire, Alba talked a little about her career in Hollywood, and how that role in particular made her feel like she was being objectified.

“I had a show that premiered when I was 19. And right away, everyone formed a strong opinion about me because of the way I was marketed,” Alba, 31, tells the June issue of Marie Claire about her big break on Fox’s “Dark Angel,” in which she starred in from 2000 to 2002.

“I was supposed to be sexy, this tough action girl. … I felt like I was being objectified, and it made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be chic and elegant!” [NY Daily News]

I suppose that’s a fair point. I watched a few episodes of the show, and as far as I could tell the main plot of most of them was “Yo peep how hot this girl on the motorcycle is,” so if she felt a little weird about that at age 19, I can dig it. In the interest of fairness, though, I reached out to James Cameron for his side of the story about how the show marketed its then-teenaged star, and he replied “HEY LOOK AT MEY! I’M ON A PHONE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”, which, you know, is also something to consider.

Image via Shutterstock

Syfy’s original movies are rarely anything short of a bonkers camp joyride, and the trailer for their newest one, Piranhaconda, looks like the latest in a line of flawless gems. Let’s run down the Syfy checklist, shall we? Explosions? Check. Gratuitous violence and shots of sexy ladies in bikinis? Check. Bad CGI? Check. Washed-up actors and/or musicians from the ’80s and ’90s (MADSEN!) delivering dialogue that is so far over the top it actually starts creeping back up from the bottom? Check. A plot with more holes in it than the ears of the girl who works at the coffee shop in the mall? Check. One scary animal crossed with another scary animal then enlarged anywhere from 10-50x because f-ck science anyway? Check. Yup, we’ve got a live one here.

If it’s OK with all of you, I’d like to take this opportunity to pitch an idea for a Syfy movie that I’ve been working on for a while now (five minutes): Dogasaurus. A dog gets zapped with radiation or steps in ooze or eats some glowing something or whatever, and when he wakes up the next morning he is 50 feet tall and has machine guns for hands and he is HUNGRY FOR BLOOD. Who can stop Dogasaurus? Not the police, that’s for sure. Their simplistic weapons and Constitutional limitations leave them useless to fight the soulless behemoth. In a last ditch effort, the government calls on controversial science expert Dr. Rex Benchpress (JC Chasez), a former Navy SEAL who had sworn off violence and become a university professor. Now with the help of his research assistant and on-again-off-again love interest Amber Bamber (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”), he must figure out Dogasaurus’s weakness and take him out before it’s too late. Will they succeed? Tune in to find out.

via Devour

Cougar Town (ABC) – Tonight’s back-to-back episodes feature a sexy contest between Ellie and Laurie, and Little Stan getting his hands on Big Carl. Completely stripped of context, that sentence makes this show sound like some sort of late-night pay cable series. It’s already got the title.

Glee (FOX) – Double episode. I am only mentioning this because this is the episode where Lindsay Lohan is guest-starring as a judge, and I feel like that is the kind of thing I’m supposed to mention on a blog ostensibly dedicated to television.

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – Season finales of both, double dose of “NCIS: Los Angeles.” I wonder what people in 1992 would say if you went back there and told them that LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell would star in a cop show together one day. Probably “Turn over the time machine or I’ll blow your head off!” That’s what I would have said.

Private Practice (ABC) – Season finale. This is a show about a lady who is a doctor. That represents all of the things I know for sure about “Private Practice.”

America’s Got Talent/Fashion Star (NBC) – Auditions take place in San Francisco. I heard Vince showed up and spun a basketball on his ding-dong for 45 uninterrupted minutes and the judges just ended the show and gave him the grand prize on the spot. TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!

Breaking the Magician’s Code (BIO) – SPOILER ALERT: IT’S NOT REAL. FAKE. ALL OF IT.

The Weight of the Nation (HBO) – This is a special about fat people in America. In a related story, I just found out Edy’s makes Samoa ice cream, so I am going to buy as much of that as possible and put it in my big fat face. USA! USA! USA!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Brian Williams on Letterman; Ferguson goes to Scotland with Rashida Jones (JEALOUS); Wanda Sykes and Hasselhoff are on Leno; Mariska Hargitay, Nick DiPaolo, and Tenacious D on Fallon; and Bill Maher, Greg Allman, and comedian Hannibal Buress are on Conan.

It’s no secret that we’re big fans of “Happy Endings” around here. The show really came into its own during its second season, and it gave us a royal crapload of fun, GIFable moments in the process. New York Magazine has an article about this transformation in their just-released television issue, and, while the whole thing is pretty interesting for fans of the show, one particular excerpt jumped out at me: the show’s male leads (Adam Pally, Damon Wayans, Jr., and Zachary Knighton) once tried to fight Chris Evans (Captain America from The Avengers) during a party at the Playboy Mansion.

In fact, there’s such a level of chumminess that the cast’s offscreen stories sound eerily like plots for a future episode, like the time Pally, Wayans, and Knighton got invited to the Playboy Mansion. “Those parties are just kind of crazy, you know what I mean?” says Pally. “Like, obviously, they’re exactly what you think of. Chris Evans was there, and he recognized Zach, and he was like, ‘Dude I love you, you’re a great actor, but that show you’re on is bullsh-t.’ I don’t even think he was talking about “Happy Endings,” I think he was talking about “FlashForward,” but I was a little under the influence, and so I got up in Chris Evans’s face like an idiot—because he would have destroyed me, he would have ripped my arms off—and I was like, ‘Whoa, not cool, Captain America.’ And then Damon backed me up, and I was like, ‘We’re going to kick the sh-t out of you, Chris Evans.’ And then security broke us up. So there you go.” [NY Mag]

First of all, if this story is true, Chris Evans is kind of a dickhole. “Hey bro, love what you do, but I hate your sh-theap of a show. Anyway, I’m gonna go try to get my hangdown sticky in the grotto. Stay real.” But, more importantly, the cast of “Happy Endings” sounds like an absolute blast to hang out with. I mean, I love my friends and everything, but I so rarely get to go to the Playboy Mansion and throw around phrases like “Whoa, not cool, Captain America” and “We’re going to kick the sh-t out of you, Chris Evans” when I’m with them. It’s one of my real regrets in life.

A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.”

A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.” A DOG NAMED PUDSEY WON “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.”

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It’s been a little while since we checked in on Jon and Kate Gosselin, the former stars of TLC’s “HEY LOOGIT ALL THE KIDS THEY HAVE” “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Their show has been off the air for two years now, so, naturally, they have started to look for some other ways to support themselves. Let’s see what Kate’s up to first. I heard she was putting together a cruise where her fans could meet her. Sounds neat!

Kate Gosselin’s event on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship has been canceled because of poor turnout and low ticket sales, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

The mother of eight was supposed to set sail from August 12 to August 19 at a rate of $1,900-$3,175 per ticket, but it’s no longer happening and all cruise-goers have been fully refunded. [Radar Online]

Oh. What about you, Jon? Last we heard from you, you were cruising Los Angeles in Ed Hardy shirts lookin’ for babes. LIVIN THE LIFE!

The father-of-eight and a former Jon & Kate Plus 8 star has a day job, working in construction, but last night Gosselin proved he also has a talent for spinning records.

The 35-year-old was spotted at D.H.H Langel Middle School where he and his current squeeze – Liz Jannetta – kept the party going for the 13 and 14-year-olds. [Radar Online]

Oh.

Now, look, I feel two ways about all this because I feel two ways about everything. On one hand, I’m not exactly crying over the current troubles of two people who dragged all their kids in front of a camera for a couple years in an attempt to make a quick buck. On the other hand, it’s not like I wish them ill, either. They’re both reasonably young, they’ve got long lives ahead of them, and they’ve got a crapload of kids. Whatever mistakes they made before, they’ve got to do something to put food on the table, you know? So, with that in mind, allow me to pass along the following advice: Kate, cruises are dumb because the ocean is terrifying. Maybe think about a bus tour instead. Jon, next time you’re DJing, play “Poison” by Bell Biv DeVoe. That song is awesome. You are both welcome.

It’s the end of an era, people.

After 10 seasons and hundreds upon hundreds of cheesy one-liners, CBS has pulled the plug on “CSI: Miami.” I guess you could say … [sunglasses] … it was the cookie-cutterest police procedural ever and its ratings had started to sag so there was really no point in bringing it back. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (I am not very good at this.)

Any David Caruso fan wanting to bid farewell to Lt. Horatio Caine will have to rely on sweet memories only: The canceled show already aired its last episode for this season on April 8 and will not resume production just to shoot a special series finale.

On Sunday — almost three months after CSI: Miami wrapped production in Los Angeles– CBS announced that the procedural will not return in the fall. [EW]

How does one eulogize a show like “CSI: Miami”? With a dramatic musical sendoff? No, that doesn’t seem appropriate for a show I watched all of five or six times. Maybe with a huge collection of the dramatic one-liners David Caruso delivered right before the theme song? Hmm, not bad, but that’s been done. Maybe I should post that video some hero made of Justin Bieber getting riddled with bullets during his appearance on the show set to the “Mmmm Whatcha Say” song from when Marissa shot Trey on “The O.C.” (spoiler alert)? Definitely getting closer, but still not quite right.

No, I think I’ll just post the most “CSI: Miami” scene of all time. Beyond being an excuse to blow sh-t up on the beach, it works as a metaphor for the show’s entire run: the speeding SUV is the show itself, recklessly racing along with no regard for logic or nuance; the bomb represents growing apathy amongst the audience, slowly ticking down towards destruction; and David Caruso represents … uh, David Caruso, I guess. It works on so many levels.

In news that was mostly expected, but still fantastic, NBC has renewed “Parks & Recreation” for a fifth season. Even better news: it got a full 22-episode order! BOOM. None of this shortened season BS. As Alan Sepinwall at Hitfix points out, this will get the show to 90 episodes by season’s end, which is a nice number for syndication. And since NBC owns the show, they have a horse in that race. A mini-horse, if you will. (RIP Lil’ Sebastian.)

Speaking of excellent news, “Happy Endings” got renewed, too! The ABC comedy will return for a third season next fall, also getting a full 22-episode order.

Anyway, good news all around. “Community,” “30 Rock,” “Parks and Rec,” and “Happy Endings” will all be back next year, in one form or another. There’s only one appropriate way to celebrate that.

Dude. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Wait… what?

You know what’s weird? Grass. It’s everywhere and we don’t even notice it. It just, like, grows, you know? We just go about our day all normal and casual and right there — right under our feet — are millions of these tiny little trees. Billions. Why do we call it “grass,” anyway? If there’s so many of them, shouldn’t we call it “grasses”? “I’m going to cut the grasses” makes a lot more sense than “I’m going to cut the grass.” If you just cut one at a time, it would take, like, forever. Dude … what if grass could talk? I bet we wouldn’t mow it then. It would be too sad. Gardeners would be so stressed out.

DUDE, CUP THAT. HERE COME THE COPS.

Wait, nevermind. It was just a guy in a blue shirt. Dude… you know what’s weird? Cops. Why do we need cops anyway? It’s like, yeah you shouldn’t, like, murder or whatever, but what if everyone got high instead. We’d all be too chill to murder each other then. Think of all the money we’d save. We could just legalize weed and sell a pack of joints for like … like, $5. Yeah. Then we could get rid of the cops and spend all that money on waterslides and sh-t. Dude, wait … do you think the president smokes weed? I bet he does. I bet he gets all the good stuff the cops confiscate and he just, like, blazes all day with all the senators and stuff in the White House. They probably send the Secret Service on food runs. That’s why it’s still illegal, I bet. So they can keep it for themselves. Whoa.

Dude, stop stalling on the blunt. Hook it up. No no, don’t hand it to me, blow it into my face. What do you mean, “Why”? Dude. I’m a dog. I don’t have fingers.

Thanks to reader Benjamin for passing along this picture

“Park & Recreation’s” Perd Hapley is one of my favorite minor characters on television. The Pawnee talk show host rarely appears for more than a minute or two in any episode, and when he does he’s used mainly as a conduit for other characters to say something that advances the plot — Leslie talking about her campaign or a scandal in the Parks Department, her adversaries taking shots at her, Ben talking about … uh … birds — or as a way to highlight the utter insanity of the town’s residents. But even in that small amount of screen time, he always manages to deliver. Plus, he loves t-shirt cannons, and I am down with anyone who loves t-shirt cannons. I hope he and Jean-Ralphio get a spin-off where they host a “Regis & Kelly”-style morning show. I would sit in front of the television watching that until I starved.

One important note about the video: It does contain some footage from last night’s terrific season finale, so if you haven’t watched the episode yet, proceed with caution. For those of you who have seen it, I really recommend checking out showrunner Mike Schur’s wrap-up interview with Alan Sepinwall. It’s a fascinating read, and it gives you some great background info on the hows and whys of the show’s fourth season. Ya’ heard?

via HitFix