Dancing With The Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Season premiere. Never watched a minute of DWTS before, but my Steelers homerism will likely compel me to tune in long enough for Hines Ward to make a fool of himself. Is Kirstie Alley the fattest woman to ever take part on DWTS? Not sure, but Wendy Williams has to be the tranniest.

Skins (MTV, 10 p.m.) — Season finale. Possibly the last chance to see if the Justice Department will seize your television for watching child pornography on cable.

No Reservations (Travel Channel, 9 p.m.) — After trips to Cambodia, Haiti and Nicaragua, Anthony Bourdain treks through Vienna. Not much hope for monologues about abject human suffering and dispossession this week. Bourdain might have to recreate the cuckoo clock speech from The Third Man instead.

American Pickers (History Channel, 9 p.m.) — Season premiere. Mike and Frank search through an old South Carolina hardware store and a Georgia man’s stash of memorabilia. Anything without a Confederate Flag on it might fetch millions.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Dana Carvey, Dr. Michio Kaku and British Sea Power on Letterman; Zachary Levi, Lisa Lampanelli and Raphael Saadiq on Leno; Liv Tyler, Mark Cuban and Brett Dennen on Kimmel; Kiefer Sutherland, Emily Browning and Little Dragon on Fallon and Steve Martin on Colbert. Full listings at TV Squad.

Those hoping for some more light-hearted fare from HBO are in luck. Today, the network announced it is a developing a mini-series on the affable old man whose soft-spoken genial manner and carefree folksy expressions left a nation depantsed with charm for eight whole years. That blithe spirit, of course, is former Vice President Dick Cheney.

And let me tell you, the initial description of the series doesn’t sound ominous at all.

The project — to be written by The West Wing’s Rick Cleveland — will be based on Barton Gellman’s book “Angler: The Cheney Vice Presidency” and the Frontline documentary The Dark Side, and will chart the “single-minded pursuit of enhanced power for the Presidency [that] was unprecedented in the nation’s history,” say producers.

“Also, we’re gonna have him shooting people in the face and telling everyone in Congress to eff off. We think it’ll be the definitive ‘eat sh*t, Cheney’ work to date.”

HBO executives only hope he lives long enough to choke on their bile.

It was just last week that a YouTube video of a bullied Australian kid fighting back against his tormentor went viral and the world found its latest inspirational figure. Now young, portly Casey Heynes has come to represent every put-upon and downtrodden person who ever summoned the courage to powerbomb someone smaller than them.

After the jump are two separate news segments about the video. Each is longer than seven minutes. Jeebus. If Casey had thrown down a Japanese nuclear reactor, he might not have gotten as much coverage. The first clip gives a soft focus overview of Casey’s experience with bullying. I enjoy the fact that no one expresses any concern about his use of violence until about seven and a half minutes into the clip.

The second video deals with the bully, Richard Gale, claiming he is the actual victim in this whole ordeal and that Casey bullied him first. Pfft. YouTube clips or it didn’t happen, Richie.

[Prolongs the cycle of suffering]

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Former SNL also-suck Victoria Jackson’s uncomfortable descent into shrilly madness has been chronicled here before. I’d be content to ignore her in perpetuity, but then she had to let loose a well-circulated and unintentionally innuendo-filled rant about a the latest episode of “Glee”, in which two gay characters engage in acts of extreme osculation (that’s science for “kissing”).

Did you see “Glee” this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of “Glee” – what’s your agenda? One-way tolerance?

Yeah, Glee producers! It’s always about your gay thing down our throats. What if we want to put our gay thing down YOUR throats? Huh? Oh. I see. Well, I’ll get on the phone with the hotel, then.

Not to soft-peddle the rampant homophobia expressed here, but then that sentiment is not exactly new or unexpected among those who trash “Glee”. What really ruptures my anus is that I’m now somewhat aligned with nutbags like Victoria Jackson in my dislike of the show. I was happier when it was Dave Grohl and Slash saying “Glee” sucks. Way to intolerance up our hatefest, Jackson.

It was reported soon after the first season of “The Walking Dead” concluded late last year that the entire writing staff of the AMC hit was being cleared out for possibly being too good at their job. That turned out not to be entirely accurate, though creator Robert Kirkman wouldn’t give any iron-clad promises that changes to the writing staff wouldn’t take place prior to the start of the second season.

So with that mind I guess we can refrain from calling Kirkman a dirty lying whore upon hearing the news that Stephen King is in talks to write a Season 2 episode. The development makes sense given that the series’ executive producer, Frank Darabont, was responsible for bringing three of King’s books to the big screen. Of course, this offer is being made in no way to atone for King passing over Darabont for The Dark Tower.

I intend to ignore further news about the King episode until it’s confirmed. The guessing game is half the fun. The arrival of zombies as crazy clowns and Red Sox fans should be enough to tip me off. Let’s just hope this opens the door to other notable horror writers getting a go on the show. Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine have endless ideas for shoehorning a cliffhanger in just before every commercial break. OH GOD, WHAT’S THAT SHADOW?! Oh whew, it’s just a zombie shaped rock.