Sad pandas will have to make do with O Magazine

After much speculation, Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will end her daily syndicated talk show on ABC, devastating legions of middle-aged women who need Oprah to tell them what to think and what books to read.

The top-rated talk show host told her Chicago audience Thursday that she will conclude her show on Sept. 9, 2011 — when her current contract expires. The announcement will air during [today's] episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” [The Live Feed]

What terrible news. How will I ever get by without not watching this show every day? What show can ABC possibly find that I’ll ignore with equal apathy? It’s like they’ve taken a hole in my life and filled it with a void.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — It sucks that this season was on Lifetime and outdated and irrelevant, because it’s nice to see a final trio composed completely of not-unattractive women, with nary a bitchy flamboyant gay man in sight. Pictured L-R: sexy Irina, occasionally kinda cute Carol Hannah, and she-has-her-moments Althea.

WWII in HD (History) — The final night. I’m now two nights behind thanks to illness and dabbling with a social life for one night, plus I’m going to have to shuffle some things around on my DVR to make sure this records. Why is watching TV so stressful?!?!?

The same Thursday comedies I always watch (NBC, FX) — 8-10 p.m. at NBC, 10-11 at FX. You’re either with me or against me.

CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — There’s a murder at a bowling tournament. People go bowling in Vegas? How come every week isn’t about another dead hooker?

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — I saw something about this going on a two-month hiatus in the middle of its season. I didn’t actually read the item because it was about “Grey’s Anatomy,” but any news about less of this show is good news.

Family Armor (TLC) — A reality show about two Texas brothers who run a business making bulletproof vehicles. TLC scores some points for moving away from its “21st century freak show” programming, but none whatsoever for “remotely interesting idea.”

Nightline (ABC) — In-depth interview with Martha Stewart in which she gets catty towards Rachael Ray. Big whoop.

“Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.”

Today is an excruciatingly slow news day, so this story is about “United Plates of America,” an ambitious reality show greenlit by NBC in which the winning contestant is awarded a restaurant chain.

A group of would-be restaurateurs will compete to impress a panel of wealthy investors from the cooking and business world. Challenges will test competitors’ savvy on such subjects as their restaurant’s concept, menu and marketability and their ability to manage staff…

The show’s winner will receive a restaurant chain that opens in four locations in various U.S. cities on the night of the show’s season finale. [THR]

My pitch: “Good food, good fun, and a whole bunch a crazy crap on the walls!” Do I win? What if my deep frier can flash-fry a buffalo in six seconds?

(essential video)

HO. LEE. CRAP. If you asked me to come up with the most awesome video game ever, I’d start by saying, “Well, I’d like the opportunity to punch Nazi dinosaurs.” THY WILL BE DONE: a new mod for Half-Life 2 called Dino D-Day envisions a World War II in which Nazi Germany has dinosaurs on its side. [Topless Robot]

The newest addition to Uproxx is… GAMMA SQUAD, Uproxx’s new blog that covers all things geek-, nerd-, and sci-fi-related. It’s written in part by the fantastic RoboPanda, whose writing has often appeared here and over at FilmDrunk. If the Hitman Monkey post doesn’t make you laugh, you probably don’t belong here.

Female Viagra is on the way. Good news for those of you who aren’t blessed with my chiseled buns. [Asylum]

Glavin! An alternate pilot for the original “Star Trek” was discovered. With video! Note the absence of the iconic opening sequence. Or whatever, I don’t care about that nerdy stuff anyway. [Pajiba]

Undeserved tribute videos. I understand that it’s a free YouTube and everything, but there should be a law against Jim Belushi tribute videos. My God, is that set to Bobby Brown’s “Take Control”? [Urlesque]

“Coming up, on ‘Lifestyles of India’s Rich and Famous’…”

An Indian reality show called “The Big Switch” that puts wealthy young Indians in the slums of Mumbai has taken the caste-driven country by storm, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Frankly, it sounds pretty awesome:

The show involves 10 rich contestants paired with 10 slum dwellers. The groups have to work on tasks such as shining shoes at railway stations and selling wares at traffic signals, jobs the poor often have to do. Points are given for each task and the onus is on the rich contestants to win the cash prize of 1 million rupees ($21,600), which would go toward fulfilling the dreams of their partner…

[Nightclub owner Sunny] Sara’s partner on the show is Abhishek Kushwah, a 22-year-old who grew up in Dharavi, Asia’s biggest slum. “Me and Sunny are similar in our thinking, but we come from such different backgrounds,” Kushwah said. “Yet, he did all he could to help me toward my goal of going to catering school. This show could be my ticket to a good life.”

For Sara, there were some experiences that were not so good. “The smell of rotting fish was unbearable. There was a lot of filth and dirt,” he said… “”There was no running water, no air conditioning, none of the amenities I was used to. I missed my Blackberry and my bikes… It was a life-changing experience.”

Kushwah added, “I really think Sunny and I forged a lifelong friendship.” Reached back at his sprawling penthouse, Sara lit a cigar and said, “Abishek who?”

Honestly, a police car’s dash-cam catching video of a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket would be enough to make my day. But what makes this so much better is that it’s a news report about a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket. Watch as the intrepid reporter investigates the scene of the incident and finds out that OH MY GOD THE CAT IS STILL HERE! And it’s friendly to everyone! Will this menace attack people with allergies? Only time will tell. Back to you, John.

[Urlesque]