Holy Knuckles. Out in Seattle, after watching a show about the Mayan prediction that the world would end in 2012 on the History Channel, a deranged woman completely lost her sh*t, as one is wont to do after watching too much History Channel. “We are all going to die?” she allegedly said. “Get me a gun. … I’m ready to die. … I’m gonna kill myself? We are all gonna die.”

But the woman couldn’t find a gun and settled for what was handy: A bread knife.

King County prosecutors claim Sabelita L. Hawkins attacked her mother with a bread knife on Dec. 15. According to the allegations, Hawkins cut through her mother’s cheek, slicing her tongue.

“The defendant chased and attacked her mother with a serrated bread knife and inflicted multiple stab wounds including a punctured lung,” Senior Deputy Prosecutor Adrienne Thomas McCoy told the court.

“This attack,” she continued, “was unprovoked and unexpected.”

Police arrived and arrested Hawkins, who continued to yell nonsensical statements about “people wearing blue and purple, and somebody named Darrell,” while also carrying on a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson, according to officers’ report. She also threatened to kill herself.

I think my favorite part of this story is that, after stabbing her mother in the mouth and cutting off part of her tongue, she proceeded to have a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson. That’s one what does, right? When the world is ending. You talk with the King of Pop, of course. And what do you talk about with Michael Jackson before the end of time and space arrives? What happened to Bubbles? Moonwalking tips? What was Macaulay Culkin like in the sack? Was his love with Lisa Marie Presley real? WHY ISN’T MICHAEL JACKSON ANSWERING?

Ahem. I knew there was something messed up about the History Channel ever since they stopped talking about history. I blame Pawn Stars.

(Source: Seatlepi.com)

Watch out, Jesus!

Roland Emmerich, the director of 2012 and maestro of disaster porn, confirmed what nobody suspected or desired when he told Entertainment Weekly that he was working on developing a televised sequel for 2012 called “2013.” “But Matt,” you’re saying, “isn’t 2012 about the end of the world?” Why yes. Yes it is. This is a sequel to the end of everything. Makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it.

Word in Hollywood is that [2012 producer Mark] Gordon has already entered talks with ABC to develop the disaster drama. Though Gordon wouldn’t confirm this, he did tell EW that ABC “will have an opening in their disaster-related programming after Lost ends” (An ABC spokeswoman declined to comment). “I think people would be interested in this topic on a weekly basis,” Gordon said, who also attended Tuesday’s premiere [of 2012]. “There’s hope for the world despite the magnitude of the 2012 disaster as seen in the film. After the movie, there are some people who survive and the question is how will these survivors build a new world and what will it look like. That might make an interesting TV series.”

If I’m being fair, a story about people trying to survive after the apocalypse could be a good story. But if I’m being honest, everything that Roland Emmerich makes is complete dog crap. And not even real dog crap. CGI dog crap. As post-apocalyptic stories go, this will be way more like Waterworld than The Road.

(for more, peruse the 2012 tag at FilmDrunk)