Kiefer Sutherland was spotted enthusiastically discussing (or, “canoodling”) the tentatively-planned “24″ movie with award-winning director and producer Ron Howard at a Times Square restaurant this week.  I’m a big fan of the early days of 24, but I’m getting this information from the New York Post, so forgive me if it gets to vague and starts sounding like espionage.

A spy (see, already) for the New York Post told them that Kiefer was “excited about how much more they could do for ’24′ with a movie format than they could ever do on television.”  So does that mean boobs?  Gore?  Extraneous cursing outside of DVD special features?  The spy also reported that the lunch lasted a long time, the waiters were big fans of 24, and that Sutherland “dined on a cheeseburger.”  At some point during this article I’m hoping he uses the cheeseburger to break the neck of one of the waiters.

I’m all for a 24 movie, especially if it thrusts Elisha Cuthbert back into the spotlight, films her in 3-D and then has her get attacked by forest creatures. The problem is that there is already a pretty good 24 movie out called “Taken.”  Also, the fact that they forgot how to properly write that show like four years ago.

[NY Post]

24 (Fox) — Series finale. Jack Bauer finally meets his demise when he goes head-to-head with Kung Fu Bear. Well, maybe not, but if he DOES die I think a badass wild animal should be the thing to do it. Otherwise, I want the series to end with Jack getting a retirement party thrown for him, and everybody’s saying, “Where’s Jack? Have you seen him?” Then it cuts to him sound asleep, clutching a teddy bear. Or a blow-up doll. Or a bazooka. Or all three.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Season 6 premiere. Guhhhh. I don’t know, perhaps my gender influences my opinions here, but there’s something darkly comic about 25 women getting catty for whichever hunk of meat ABC rolls out for them in “The Bachelor.” When the situation’s reversed, I have a hard time believing that at least ten guys aren’t trying to leave after the first night on “The Bachelorette.”

Rules of Engagement (CBS) — Season finale. Actually, it’s the season finale for each of the four CBS sitcoms tonight, but I chose to highlight “Rules” because this is the fourth season. I repeat: “Rules of Engagement” has been on the air for four years. Yes, that’s as many as one more than “Arrested Development.” In other news: life still not fair.

Law & Order (NBC) — Series finale. It’s really too bad the finale had to be tonight, when “24″ gets the lead-off spot. I really wanted to use this Photoshop again.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Let’s see, the three finalists are all stars with previous dance/choreography experience: Erin Andrews (attractive woman), Nicole Scherzinger (attractive woman), and Evan Lysacek. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Dancing with the Stars champion… Evan Lysacek!

Today, Greg Ausiello dropped the last spoken line of the last episode of the last season of 24, which airs May 24. He bleeped out all but one letter, but I’m pretty sure I have it figured out anyway.

Fake spoiler: the last line is spoken by Jack. “You’re not so bad, Brother Mouzone. Let’s get in an old Chevy, drive from town to town, brandish lead pipes, and give the business to rural townsfolk for the next few years. I got some bubble gum. Would you like some of my bubble gum?”

Real spoiler, or at least what I’m pretty sure is a real spoiler, is after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

"I'm here for the gang bang?"

I tuned out of “24″ earlier this season (because it sucked), and it’s my loss because the show is getting a full head of steam as it nears the series finale. In case you’re not following the show, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) has deemed that the former president is an enemy of the United States, and yadda yadda yadda, he dons full body armor and conducts a one-man ambush of the ex-commander-in-chief’s motorcade. (And he does it successfully — without reloading — which suggests that budget cuts must have eliminated the SUVs with miniguns that are part of a presidential motorcade.)

The entire gunfightin’, pistol-whippin’, tear gas-trappin’ video is embedded below, thanks to the Flint Skinny. Watch it now, as Fox is pretty gung ho about making copyright claims that ruin all of our viewing fun. If it becomes unavailable, you can watch the whole episode on Hulu.

Read the rest of this entry »

This picture isn’t actually from last night, but as far as photo documentation of Drunk Jack Bauer goes, nothing can really approach it.

About last night, though.

[Kiefer] Sutherland [was] driven to Stringfellows lapdancing club, where an insider said: “He went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

[...] He [fell] into the street outside his hotel, giggling and with his jacket unbuttoned.

Jack’s girlfriend was killed in the most recent episode of 24. This is perfect — now we get to see what Season 1 denied us. His wife died, he started sobbing, the clock hit midnight, and we didn’t get to observe the immediate aftermath. This time around, we’re treated to eight bonus hours of Jack Bauer running through New York City, creating a river of terrorist/traitor blood. The least realistic thing about 24 — except, perhaps, for terrorists taking refuge in “the mountainous terrain” of Iowa — is that in spite of all the horrible things he’s endured, Jack Bauer has not yet become a raging alcoholic.

I don’t need any more plot twists from this show. I don’t need Zombie David Palmer to rise out of the waters and kill the shadowy guys in the boat from the end of Season 2. What I need is for Jack Bauer to stumble around with a bottle of Evan Williams and a crowbar, searching the streets of Manhattan for the guy who killed Renee. You know, World’s Least Competent Pervert Assassin.