Archer (FX) – You guys know the deal. It’s Thursday, which means: “ARCHER” NIGHT. Tonight’s special guest on the Uproxx live blog is Casey Willis, who is not a female (boo) but an “Archer” producer (yay) who wrote the lyrics to and performed “Mulatto Butts” (million yays). He’s also worked on “Xtacles” and “Frisky Dingo,” meaning he’s more talented than you. Be there at 10 p.m. EST.

30 Rock /The Office/Up All Night (NBC) – Hour-long “30 Rock” tonight means the return of James Marsden as hot dog truck-driver Criss and the introduction of Jack’s mother-in-law, played by Mary Steenburgen, who looks better at 59 than most people do at 23. Dwight has a “special project” in Tallahassee on “The Office,” and Will Arnett continues to sing the praises of Brendan Shanahan on “Up All Night.” Lol, hockey.

El Talismán (Univision) – This telenovela has recently beaten NBC and CW programs in the 18-49 demographic on Thursday nights, and it’s supposed to be awesome. I mean, it’s called “El Talismán,” which Google Translate tells me means “The Talisman” in English. Nice. I’m going to watch tonight and see whether it’s as great as “El Amor Prohibido.” I assume it will be.

Rob (CBS) – “Rob Learns Spanish.” Or maybe I’ll just watch this instead.

Party Like (National Geographic) – This series teaches us what it’s like to party as various rulers throughout history, including tonight’s “Roman Emperor Elagabalus [who] became known as an outrageous party animal.” According to Wikipedia, Elagabalus was married five times, slept with his male chariot driver who was a slave, prostituted himself in brothels, used an early “prototype of the whoopee cushion at dinner parties,” and was assassinated at the age of 18. Like a rock star.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Nicholas Cage on Letterman; Denzel Washington and Octavia Spencer on Leno; Courtney Cox and various New York Giants on Kimmel; Lisa Kudrow and Weird Al on Ferguson; Zooey Deschanel, Chris Hardwick, and Primus on Fallon; and Carol Burnett and Jon Glaser on Conan.

I’m pissed I used my go-to Jim Carrey reference – talking out of his butt – earlier because now I just have to report the news: the picture you see above is not a depiction of what’s going on in Carrey’s mind at all times, but rather, a shot from his upcoming “30 Rock” appearance.

I think he’s supposed to be playing the Monopoly Man, real name Rich Uncle Pennybags, or maybe the old man’s slightly younger, more flamboyant brother. Here’s hoping this proves true because then Carrey’s career will have really come full circle, from wearing Pennybags as a scarf in Ace Ventura 2 to playing the millionaire himself 17 years later. It’s only a matter of time before people start ironically saying “alrighty then” again.

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In an interview with E! earlier this week, “Parks and Recreation” executive producer Michael Schur confirmed what everyone who saw last’s week “Operation Ann” episode already assumed: “It’s real. Tom and Ann are dating and will have a relationship for some amount of time.”

So, it’s definitely happening, but is it a good thing? I’m onboard with Tann? Aom? PerkFord? because, as Schur said, “We have a lot of soul-matey relationships…and we just wanted to do a comedy relationship.” Yay comedy, boo love. It also gives both of them something to do (which has occasionally been a problem, especially with Ann) in the post-Entertainment 720/dating Chris Traeger-era of the show.

But just because seemingly every “Parks” character has hooked up with every other “Parks” character at some point (I can’t wait for the inevitable Ron/Donna fling to happen), that doesn’t mean every show should just start pairing characters all willy-nilly like. Here are 10 romantic relationships on other shows that should never by no means ever happen. Happy Valentine’s Day, no one!

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In today’s feature, we’ve got GIFs from last night’s game (including the middle finger seen ‘round the world), as well as selections from “Archer,” “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret,” “Parks and Recreation,” and even something from “Community.” That’s right, if you needed a new movable Alison Brie image, we’ve got you covered. Also Madonna doing a dance that looks a lot like one from a favorite show of ours…

World peace and GIFs, or GTFO.

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Have you ever wanted to try Apple Jack’s made with single malt scotch? Or Fruity Paintballs with the sweet artificial flavor of chicken fingers? Or Tobias Funke’s blue balls? Now you can, and if you act now, Ron Swanson’s Bacon n’ Eggs Cereal comes with a free copy of Be a Man: The Pawnee Rangers Handbook.

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