I love Grantland* because the writers there have an uncanny ability to take a Tweet-sized thought — “’90210′ is the least cared about show on television” –and expand it into a 2,000-word think piece. Such is the case with Steven Hyden’s longread explaining why “90210″ holds that title: Because most of us cannot name a single person who watches it.

It’s true, too. I don’t know a soul who watches. I’m a TV critic for two sites, and I’ve never seen an episode. Maybe that’s my own failing, or maybe it’s the apathy the very idea of the show provokes. I have no interest in watching plastic people poorly attempt to recreate the fleeting 90′s magic of “Beverly Hills 90210.” As far as I’m concerned, “90210″ doesn’t exist.

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Remember when Shannen Doherty was a big star and left “Beverly Hills, 90210″ because everyone on the show hated her? Well everything turned out pretty sweet for Shannen, because now she’s getting her liberal arts degree online at EducationConnection.com. I bet she even gets free tuition for doing the commercial (below). So suck on THAT, Priestley. Your Canadian ass never even went to college.

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Liquor and guns: two great tastes that go great together. Somehow I’d never seen this segment with Conan O’Brien and Hunter S. Thompson. That’s inexcusable on my part. [Devour]

14 Child Stars to Watch in 2011. Actually, it’s Burnsy’s collection of kids sucking at music and dancing. Much better than REAL child stars. [UPROXX]

More like January BONES! More (and higher-res) pictures of X-Men: First Class, including January Jones as Emma Frost. I originally meant that “bones” joke as in “I’d like to have sex with her,” but if any girls are reading this then I totally meant “she’s too skinny.” Now go ahead and finish that piece of cake. You’re beautiful the way you are, girlfriend! [Gamma Squad]

A challenge for you: if you can watch all three and a half minutes of this loop of Natalie Portman’s goofy Golden Globes laugh without swallowing your tongue, I will give you a shiny nickel. [FilmDrunk]

The Super Bowl ads are going to suck. Likely culprits: Adam Sandler movies and Miller Lite. [With Leather]

Brett Favre’s RISE commercial. Props to whomever made this, because that’s the best Brett Favre actor I’ve ever seen. [KSK]

More better hotness below:

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Gabrielle Carteris, who played no-nonsense blazer-wearing journalistic Jew Andrea Zuckerman on the original “Beverly Hills, 90210,” turned fifty years old yesterday. Most news outlets are treating this news like “Whoa, Gabrielle Carteris is 50!” But personally, I’m like, “Whoa Gabrielle Carteris is only 50?” I would have pegged her to be getting Social Security by now.

Actually, Carteris was 29 when she began portraying 16-year-old Andrea. And given that Hollywood regularly uses grown adults to play teenagers on TV, it really says something that her age could  jar even the most fervent viewers from their suspension of disbelief. I mean, Luke Perry was a more believable teenager, and he had crow’s feet.

So happy birthday, Gabrielle. We shall always remember you as the least believable teenager in TV history.

I was pretty clear yesterday about how I think this “9/02/10 Day” is nonsense and a waste of time, but in case anybody missed the memo: TAKE YOUR FOND MEMORIES OF THE NINETIES AND SHOVE THEM DIRECTLY UP YOUR ASS.

Listen, people. “90210″ sucked. It sucked at drama as much as “Saved By The Bell” sucked at comedy. The story lines were lame, the acting was only okay, the clothes were an abomination, and the actors playing high school students looked ancient even by Hollwood’s skewed standards. You know what “90210″ is? It’s “The O.C.” if “The O.C.” had worse writing, less attractive actors, and went on for ten years instead of four. The only other difference is that you were younger when “90210″ was on.

I understand that people remember it fondly, and that’s fine. But you know who else spent half of their lives telling us about their great memories? The Baby Boomers. And everyone hates that assh*le generation.

I enjoy reminiscing about things I like, too, but I’m not about to dedicate an entire day to how I masturbated to Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” video.