ABC president Steve McPherson (right), who oversaw the network as it lost more total viewers than any other network from 2006-09, “resigned” last night. (*cough* FIRED! *cough cough*) Paul Lee, that weird-lookin’ fruitcake on the left, will take the reigns of the network after being promoted from his position as head of ABC Family. The dog with sunglasses? He’s just there to add some flavor.

It couldn’t have been easy getting rid of McPherson, seeing as how he’s such a nice guy:

Known as an intense competitor, McPherson is famously abrasive and is universally regarded as one of the most disagreeable executives in Hollywood. He has icy relationships with producers, talent agents, and even the stars on his own shows, and there were many people within the Magic Kingdom and outside its walls who would love to see him fail. And that meant that the pressure was on McPherson, known for expletive-laced outbursts and an inability to take criticism. [The Daily Beast]

I’m sympathetic to McPherson, because way too many people out there are little pussies who go crying to anyone who will listen after they get their precious little feelings hurt. But if you’re going to be an A-hole, you need to produce results. And not the “Hank” kind of results.

So now Fruity McBadtouch gets a shot at trying to make the next “Lost.” Somehow I don’t think he’s going to cancel “Grey’s Anatomy” and replace it with monster truck rallies.

Huge (ABC Family) — Series premiere. Nikki Blonsky, who starred in the movie version of Hairspray, plays the lead in this series that takes place at a fat camp for teens. Sorry, you lost me at “fat camp.” Actually, you lost me at Hairspray. No, make that “ABC Family.” Basically you never had me at all.

Intervention (A&E) — Season premiere. A mother and her adult son battle alcohol problems. After, the season premiere of “Obsessed” goes inside the world of OCD freaks. Yes, “OCD freak” is the clinical term, although some patients will also respond to “Freak!” and a violent shove.

Neighbors from Hell (TBS) — Jane Lynch lends a guest voice. Still not enough for me to accept TBS as a viable source of comedy. The Conan O’Brien writers’ special last night sucked out loud (except for Reggie Watts).

Last Comic Standing (NBC) — Semifinalist Jason Weems has accused a comic named Jeannette Cause of stealing one of his jokes, when actually Cause has been performing the joke for a lot longer. But let’s be real here: it’s a pretty obvious joke that anyone could have come up with.

The Good Guys (Fox) — Hey look, it’s a cop show. And one of those cops has a mustache. This HAS to be good!

Here’s Bristol Palin’s acting debut on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” My one-word review: WOOF. Usually, the only places you can see a hot teenage girl with such a lifeless expression are really good strip clubs.

Hey Bristol, don’t pursue acting, honey. Stick to what you do best. Whatever that is. Unprotected premarital sex, I suppose.

[via THR]

Bristol Palin, the teenager who taught the nation about strong family values by having an unplanned pregnancy during a presidential campaign, will appear as herself on an episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” on ABC Family next season.

The network says the 19-year-old will play herself on an episode scheduled to shoot and air this summer. It will deal with the consequences of teen pregnancy.

Well, if Bristol and MTV have taught me anything, the consequences of having a baby as a teenager are that you end up on a television show. Why, being a teenage mom is totally glamorous!

Of course, I’m sure that’s not the REAL message of “Secret Life” and MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.” Fortunately, teenage girls are notoriously detail-oriented and adept at discerning the truth from potentially muddled messages.

“Make It or Break It” is a new show about gymnastics on ABC Family this summer, and I’ve done my best to ignore it until now — I’m certainly not the intended audience.  But this scene from an episode last month has to be addressed.  In the video above, a group of five guys (one of whom has a neck tattoo) are threatening some high school girls at a gas station, and two girls scare them off BY TUMBLING AT THEM.  Seriously.  “Watch out, yo!  Those are back handsprings!”

Again: I recognize that this show is for little girls, not me.  But I have to believe that not even little girls are dumb enough to find this remotely believable.  This absolutely has to be the stupidest thing televised this decade.  Its idiocy depletes my faith in humanity.  It’s an insult to people with frontal lobes.  Those girls could have fired lasers out of their vaginas and it would have been more realistic.  Hey, the female reproductive system is awfully complex.  Vagina lasers don’t seem all that implausible.  And they’re certainly scarier than a tumbling pass.

[via PopWatch]