Twilight star Ashley Greene will make a three-episode stint on ABC’s “Pan Am,” which is excellent news if you like looking at Ashley Greene but can’t tolerate the thought of watching a Twilight movie.

She’ll play a debutante with a past connection to Ted (Michael Mosley). She’ll appear in the episode titled “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” that’ll air Dec. 4. [EW]

I’d like to say that I’m excited about this, but I’ve honestly never seen Greene in anything but still pictures before, often without clothes on. Is she even an actress? Does she actually speak? Never mind, I don’t care. Shhhhh. Shh. Let’s not ruin this words, baby.

There was an attempted robbery of a credit union, and the local news found a local bystander who witnessed the unsuccessful getaway. The eyewitness is wearing a coonskin cap and references both “Dukes of Hazzard” and a NASCAR driver. So which is it: FLORIDA OR OHIO?

The answer: Panama City, Florida. I think that’s fitting for this edition, because the Florida panhandle is totally the Ohio of Florida.

It's perfectly cromulent headwear.

[reddit]

So far, “Pan Am’s” biggest contribution to the TV landscape has been providing hacky writers with an excuse to use airplane metaphors while discussing the show’s ratings. After debuting with a solid 10.8 million viewers, the ratings have gone into a nosedive, and the show’s in danger of being grounded, thus canceling future flights. But ABC isn’t going to let the show crash on autopilot; it’s hired “Lost” producer Steven Maeda to get “Pan Am” out of its tailspin before it crashes into the World Trade Center and sparks a decade-long war on terror that includes a poorly executed and unnecessary invasion and occupation of Iraq. Okay, maybe that last one is a little bit of a stretch.

Maeda, whose credits include Lie to Me and Lost, will serve as showrunner and EP, joining creator and EP Jack Orman and director/executive producer Tommy Schlamme behind the scenes of the Christina Ricci drama about the mysterious lives of the airline’s pilots and stewardess.  ABC has yet to make a decision on whether or not the pricey drama will receive a back-nine order…

Behind the scenes, the studio and network are making an extra push of late in promoting the series, which has continued to shed viewership. [THR]

Part of the reason ABC doesn’t want to drop the series is because it spent an extravagant $10 million to get it made, and according to one source I have on the show (I have sources!), a lot of that cost comes from filming in New York instead of Los Angeles. Apparently, it can get costly to make Brooklyn streets look like markets in Rangoon (or wherever), when it would be way cheaper to use a set on a Hollywood lot. TV executives are crazy smart.

I don’t know why, but I absolutely love Halloween episodes. I’m not even that big of a Halloween person — I still don’t have my costume yet. But there’s something about a TV show using its budget on awesome costumes and telling a Halloween story that will inevitably be more interesting and funny than my own Halloween (I’m going as Bill Lumbergh this year, mostly so I can drink whiskey from a mug all night).

ANYWAY. “Happy Endings” awesomely put its Halloween episode online two days early — WITH NO COMMERCIALS! It’s a great episode, and I’ve embedded it below. Max is hilarious in a baby costume (I guarantee you’ll laugh at the baby arms), Elisha Cuthbert dresses as a sexy Marilyn Monroe, and Damon Wayans Jr and the other blonde chick carry a strong B-story in the suburbs. (Cuthbert, in particular, should be getting some credit for her work as Alex this season. I thought her character was a little weak in Season 1, but she’s displayed some great comedic chops in the last couple of episodes.)

ALSO INCLUDED: a sneak peek at this week’s “Community.” Britta discovers that someone in the study group has homicidal tendencies. Man, I’m way more excited about this week than I have any right to be. It may have something to do with women who are professionally good-looking wearing sexy costumes.

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“Once Upon a Time” has some of the stupidest, clunkiest dialogue I’ve heard this fall season, but that didn’t stop 12.8 million people with vaginas from watching ABC’s adaptation of fairy tales last night.

ABC’s fairytale drama Once Upon A Time got off to a great start last night, pulling in a 3.9 rating/10 share among adults 18-49 and 12.8 million viewers against NFL football on NBC and the World Series on Fox. This is ABC’s highest-rated new series premiere this fall and the season’s No. 1 drama debut in 18-49 on any network. [Deadline]

Ah, there we go! My eyelid twitch is back. I’d almost gone through half a day of TV news without it showing up. I thought something was wrong there, the way my blood pressure was low and I wasn’t craving a drink before five o’clock. Glad to see everything’s back to normal.