That kid with the spiky hair is wondering where Bumblebee is.

*EXPLOSION NOISE* *GUN SHOT* *HOT WOMAN WASHING HERSELF WITH A SPONGE WHILE CLEANING HER CAR* *LINKIN PARK SONG* That’s how you say the following in Bayian:

I’ve learned that A&E has put in development an unscripted reality series executive produced by feature director-producer Michael Bay. The untitled project…[is] a competition reality series that promises to test the strength of the family unit like never before. (Deadline)

In Michael Bay’s version of reality, everything is always on fire, cars never go slower than 128 MPH, people scream into their cell phones about how there’s just no time, only attractive women exist and they’re all wearing belly button-exposing shirts and Daisy Dukes, and although everyone’s constantly speaking, they’re not actually say anything. In other words, it’s amazing Michael Bay doesn’t already have a reality show.

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"Man, we are really from Boston."

Hey, Internet reader! Did you know Mark “I Am From Boston So Much” Wahlberg is from Boston? I was pretty shocked by this nugget of information when I learned it this morning. It really diminishes his performance in that movie he was in where he played a guy from Boston. You know, the one where he was a very tough, no-nonsense boxer/cop/thief/other guy who doesn’t mess around because that is NAWT HOW THEY DO IT IN SOUTHIE? I love that movie.

Anyway, now he’s producing a reality show for A&E set in his home city:

“Teamsters” – produced by Wahlberg’s Closest to the Hole, Levinson’s Leverage and Harrison’s Transition Prods — provide a first-hand glimpse of the legendary union in the most aggressive and territorial city in America: Boston. Here, the Teamsters Local 25 battle for the rights of their 11,000 members. “We believe A&E is the perfect venue to create a cutting-edge show that promises to be like nothing else on television,” Levinson said. [Deadline]

Two things:

1) The most aggressive and territorial city in America? Jesus Christ. It’s a city, not a pit bull. Settle down.

2) I’m confused. A show on A&E that isn’t about people with crippling psychological or substance abuse problems? Isn’t that kind of like a show on TLC that doesn’t shamelessly exploit its subjects? Gutsy move, A&E. (Unless of course they’re planning on framing it as a show about a group of people hoarding racist beliefs. I don’t see how we can rule that out at this point.)

This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

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"Ah wish ah coult grow a beart. Durr."

NFL Football: Saints at Packers (NBC) – My cable has been going in and out all day because Eastern Pennsylvania is mostly underwater. If my viewing of this game is interrupted, Comcast will feel my wrath. (*shakes fist in general direction of Comcast’s downtown Philadelphia headquarters*)

Rookie Blue (CBS) - Fact: All police shows have been rendered inconsequential now that “Paw & Order” exists. Second fact: This one was already inconsequential.

Louie (FX) – Remember when some jamooks got all pissed because Matt mentioned he had seen screeners of a few episodes? Yeah… if I had screeners of this show, I would brag about it so much the Warming Glow readership would dwindle to just people who came by just to tell me what a putz I was. This is why I should never be in charge of anything.

Burn Notice/Suits (USA) – I covered the main points of the USA drama style guide in an Ask Me Anything post on my Tumblr, but they really, really go back to the same well a lot. Sixty percent of the network’s budget at this point must be sunglasses.

Beyond Scared Straight (A&E) – This has always bugged me, so bear with me. If you have a line that’s bent, and you bend it back “beyond straight,” isn’t it just crooked again? Which means these kids would still be criminals. Jesus, I got a C+ in geometry, and even I know that. GET YO MATH RIGHT, A&E!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Khloe Kardashian-Odom on Kimmel; Michael J. Fox on Letterman (with the cast of “Two and a Half Men” doing the Top 10); Tim Meadows on Ferguson; Will Arnett and the fetching Anna Kendrick on Leno; Tom Selleck, Cameron Crowe and Pearl Jam on Fallon (tangent: one of my buddies loves Pearl Jam so much — SO MUCH — and I get endless delight out of making fun of them in front of him. I call Eddie Vedder “Mumbles Larue.” It’s the little things in life, people); Marion Cotillard on Stewart; Charlie Day and the Foo Fighters on Conan.

Hey everybody! Remember when the Louisiana sheriffs kicked out A&E’s production crew for “Steven Seagal: Lawman” because Seagal allegedly kept sex slaves? Remember Seagal’s mysterious “unique physiological reaction” to sexual arousal? Well, prepare your Steven-Seagal-invented-everything memes, because “Lawman” will return with Seagal on duty in Arizona’s Maricopa County with notorious hardass Joe Arpaio.

Deputy Seagal has now landed a new beat: Phoenix, Ariz., where controversial Sheriff Joe Arpaio has welcomed the actor to resume shooting. As a result, A&E has greenlit a third season of Steven Seagal Lawman, with Seagal going on patrol in Maricopa County.

“I have a lot of friends in the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, so when Sheriff Joe Arpaio invited me to join them, there wasn’t a moment’s hesitation,” Seagal said. “Certain crimes in Arizona are on the rise and now that I live there, I want to help the sheriff fight it the best way I know how. It’s an honor to serve.” [Inside TV]

In case you’re not familiar with Arpaio, he’s the 78-year-old sheriff who introduced tent cities and pink underwear to Arizona jails, among countless other controversial measures. Instead of taking Viagra, he gets his dick hard by thinking about deporting illegal immigrants. Just wait ’til Seagal teaches Arpaio how to front-kick them over the border.

(If nothing here makes sense, go listen to the FilmDrunk Frotcast.)