A&E has ordered a show from Ryan Seacrest’s production company called “The Incurables.” I based my headline and the banner photo on the assumption that it’s about people with terminal illnesses like cancer and full-blown AIDS.

The cable network, home of such docu series about afflictions asIntervention, Obsessed and Hoarders, has ordered a pilot for The Incurables, which will offer a look into the lives of ordinary people on the verge of a personal crisis over their irrational behavior.

Each 60-minute episode would feature [British self-help guru Paul] McKenna trying to help two ‘incurable’ people with different psychological and/or physical conditions using his transformation techniques. Examples include the uncontrollable shouting and bizarre facial tics of a man suffering from Tourettes Syndrome and the shocking sight of a woman pulling out and eating her own hair (Tricotilla Mania). [Deadline]

Aw, dammit. That messes up my headline. The Incurables are actually curable? That’s crap. I want a show where the doctors come in and are like, “Well, not much we can do now but make sure he’s comfortable.” Then the last twenty minutes of the show is slow-motion shots of the family crying. Coming to ABC next fall!

Pictured: the lasting societal worth of reality television

Reality TV producers gathered in Santa Monica on Wednesday and Thursday for a conference in which they told each other how much reality TV benefits society and complained about how their genre — Factual Entertainment, they call it — is unfairly maligned. Then they finished with a big circle jerk (citation needed). From the WaPo’s Lisa de Moraes:

“I firmly believe it’s the most socially valuable product on television,” Rob Sharenow, senior vice president of nonfiction programming at A&E network told a Fairmont Hotel ballroom filled with people who nodded sympathetically…

“Who did more for a gay child struggling with their identity than Pedro did?” Sharenow asked rhetorically. He was referring to Pedro Zamora, the AIDS activist who became a pop-culture icon when he was cast on MTV’s “The Real World: San Francisco” and died not long after that edition of the reality series wrapped.

Oh, an example from 17 years ago! So timely, especially with the continuing AIDS pandemic. Hey everybody, remember when “The Real World” was about something besides people getting drunk and screwing?

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In light of the allegations that Steven Seagal keeps a handful of “executive assistants” for his perverse sexual needs, the Sheriff’s Department where Seagal works as a reserve deputy sheriff has kicked out A&E’s production crew, thus ending “Steven Seagal: Lawman” for the foreseeable future. TMZ says:

Steven Seagal’s A&E reality show has been suspended indefinitely — and the person pulling the plug is the real life sheriff from “Steven Seagal Lawman.”

The Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office has announced that they have booted the production crews from their offices, in light of the sexual trafficking lawsuit filed against Seagal in Los Angeles…

During a news conference in Louisiana, Sheriff Newell Normand also announced that he will not be launching an investigation into Seagal — unless Kayden Nguyen files a criminal complaint in Jefferson Parish.

Aw, so sad. “Lawman” was a strange combination of hilarious and boring, like a dull episode of “Cops” randomly starring and narrated by Steven Seagal. I can’t say I’ll miss it, but I will miss the presence of Seagal on television. Let’s go to the Steven Seagal Emotion Chart to see how he’s feeling today:

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Guhhhhhhhh. Cable networks are interested in buying Sarah Palin’s proposed reality show, tentatively named “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Said one insider: “It will sell. One way or another.”

Sources say A&E Networks and Discovery Communications want to acquire Palin’s project, which focuses on the ex-governor giving a guided tour of her native Alaska — visiting fishing boats, taking a trip to a gold mine, to cite a couple examples…

A&E Networks hasn’t officially put in a bid for the project, but sources indicate that the company is interested in the project for several of its brands — A&E, History or Lifetime.

Discovery Communications is likewise vying for the project for one or more of its outlets, such as TLC. Some sources say the flagship Discovery Channel is no longer in play, while others say otherwise.

Palin is asking for between $1 million and $1.5 million per episode, a hefty amount for a first-year cable series. [THR]

Eh, put her on TLC with all the dwarves and super-sized families. She’ll fit right in with the channel’s theme of “21st century freak show.” They could even put her in a cage that says “Inexplicable Political Phenomenon” or “Eerily Lifelike Talking Points Robot.” As long as she’s in a cage, that’s the important part.

Steven Seagal: Lawman (A&E) — Series premiere. At long last, the greatest show ever created debuts. You enjoy laughing at the white trash on “Cops,” right? Now imagine if Steven Seagal was arresting them. God, I can’t wait.

Christmas in Rockefeller Center (NBC) — Live. Jane Krakowski and Zachary Levi host the lighting of the Rock Center Christmas tree — assuming the disgruntled union doesn’t renege on their agreement not to go on strike.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS) — This holiday special did permanent damage to me when I was younger: the abominable snowman scared the sh-t out of me, and the Island of Misfit Toys wasn’t exactly Pleasant Dreams Central.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Part 1 of a two-week season finale. Go, fat bearded guy!

Launch My Line (Bravo) — Series premiere. Another reality show about fashion design. The twist on this one: established fashion designers are paired with professionals from other fields like event planning and dance to create a new line. WOOF.

The Daily Show (Comedy Central) — Jon Stewart welcomes guest Lance Armstrong, whose SAMCRO name is Half-Sack.