After a battery of guest judges filled in for the departed but unfortunately not dead Paula Abdul, “American Idol” has filled the fourth judge’s seat with… Ellen Degeneres?
“She is truly one of America’s funniest people and a fantastic performer who understands what it’s like to stand up in front of audiences and entertain them every day,” said Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell. “We feel that her vast entertainment experience – combined with her quick wit and passion for music – will add a fresh new energy to the show.” [THR]
Now, I don’t give a flying lesbian about “American Idol,” but let’s see what die-hard pop culture experts have to say about the decision:
Chalk me up as one of those people who greeted the news that Ellen DeGeneres is joining the judging panel for season 9 of American Idol with the sudden urge to drive a fork into my thigh and wake up from a strange and horrible nightmare.
Me? I’m just frustrated that this whole thing has been in the news cycle at all. “Idol” went something like six or seven seasons with three judges. One season — ONE SEASON — they add a fourth judge, seemingly as a replacement for Paula. Then Paula left. JUST LEAVE IT AT THREE. THREE JUDGES IS ENOUGH. For the love of God, they’re judging people singing karaoke, not Olympic figure skating.
Now that Paula Abdul’s worthless ass has been pink-slipped, “American Idol” has been lining up a series of guest judges to take her place. The most recent additions are the annoying-but-I’d-still-like-to-see-naked singers Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry.
Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry will join the growing list of singers and entertainers serving as guest judges on season 9 of American Idol… Sources close to the show say Lavigne and Perry will each spend one day critiquing singing hopefuls when the show films its callback audition episode in Los Angeles; the latter singer was confirmed as an Idol sub several weeks ago, but had not been scheduled. Other names confirmed to fill the seat formerly held by Paula Abdul during season 9 include Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Neil Patrick Harris, Shania Twain, Kristin Chenoweth, and Joe Jonas.
I read somewhere last week that Katy Perry said she was prepared to make like Simon Cowell and drop the hammer on retards who can’t sing (I’m paraphrasing), so that’s cool. But I still don’t see why they feel the need for a fourth judge. The first seven season of “Idol” had only three judges, it’s not like America is clamoring for one more person to fill the mythical void left by Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is a void. Replacing her with a cardboard cutout is doing too much.
Last week, Paula Abdul announced her departure from “American Idol,” and it’s doubtful that she’ll return unless Fox ponies up $10 million a season for her to slur encouragement while Simon Cowell rolls his eyes. And yet, despite the fact that she’s a waste of carbon compounds robbing the Earth of precious oxygen, ABC wants to put her on “Dancing with the Stars.”
Stephen McPherson, the president of ABC Entertainment, told reporters here Saturday that he contacted Ms. Abdul immediately after he heard the news… “I definitely have reached out to her,” Mr. McPherson said, “first and foremost to say I was sorry about the situation and also that we’d love to see her on ABC.”
This is bananas. Paula Abdul is a former pop musician whose career was resurrected by “American Idol” for reasons that continue to elude me. In eight seasons on the show, she has been an incoherent mess, stumbling around words and doing little more than what a trained seal could accomplish: clap and bark approval. And I only say “little more” because I don’t think a seal would sleep with one of the contestants on the show. Though I might like to see that.
After Paula Abdul stepped away from “American Idol” earlier this week, there was speculation whether the show would just eliminate the fourth judge position through attrition. But, no, the boat will not be rocked, and so the show is already going about having guest judges during the early audition process, which is really the only time the show is even marginally watchable to begin with.
Victoria Beckham and Katy Perry are booked, with other guest judges to be announced soon. “Idol” begins shooting audition episodes this week in Denver.
Asked if there’s any chance of Abdul returning, Rice replied, “Our understanding is … that we’ve concluded the negotiation.”
Added entertainment president Kevin Reilly, “She was the right person at the right time with chemistry — but under the heading of great producing. When shows are this successful, it’s very easy to take for granted the level of producing because things seem so seamless. I’m not saying it’s easy. You’re messing with chemistry that works, but that’s part of what top producers do. And we’re pretty confident they’re going to find that.”
“You hear that?! We’ll find whichever mindless cogs work best with the slew of easily replaceable commodities we already have in place. And when they’re gone, we’ll find some more. We could fill out the panel with nothing but overtly racist centaurs and no one would notice thanks to seamless to producing. Can you see the seams? NO ONE SEE THE SEAMS AND LIVES!”
Some braindead jackass left his dog in the car on a 90-degree day while he was at the auditions for “American Idol.” The dog died.
Quincy Vanderbilt, 24, was served Tuesday with a misdemeanor for animal cruelty after he let a small terrier die in a hot car while the owner’s girlfriend waited to audition for “Idol” in Denver.
Temps hit a high of 91 in Denver that day. He left the windows up and by the time he checked in at 2 p.m, the dog was dead. [AJC]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: America needs an aggressive euthanasia program. Or at least forced sterility. People claim that there’s no fair way to determine who should be sterilized, but I disagree. You miss the cut at “American Idol,” SNIP! No progeny for you. You’re welcome, America.
Ryan Seacrest has signed a contract extension for “American Idol” that will pay him $45 million over the next three years. Wow. I wonder what it’s like to know you’ll definitely have a job two years from now. Oh yeah, and the money’s good, too. I guess.
Under the pact, which is believed to be the richest ever for a reality host, Seacrest will be exclusive to CKX in broadcast TV primetime to host “Idol” or any CKX-produced show that might succeed it.
The pact, which had been in the works for the past several weeks, gives Seacrest a gigantic pay raise, more than trippling [sic] his previous salary of slightly less than $5 million per season. [Hollywood Reporter]
Good Lord. I can’t even pretend to understand. Don’t get me wrong, Seacrest is one handsome midget, and he’s very good at a job that’s much harder than it looks (hosting live television in primetime). But $15 million good? I dunno. I feel like the “American Idol” cast is getting more and more like the New York Yankees. And not like the Babe Ruth-Lou Gehrig all-time great Yankees. The Johnny Damon-Carl Pavano Yankees.
