Not pictured: Stage Manager Debbie Williams

After 16-year-old Symone Black finishes a perfectly pleasant performance of “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” during last night’s “American Idol,” she begins talking with the judges. Randy asks her why she chose that song. She answers, “I wanted to reach out to an older crowd,” and Dawg E. Dawg begins teasing her, responding with, “You’re saying we’re older?” What a card. Symone then visibly begins to stumble and trip over her words, and, like so many other women who have been within 10 feet of Steven Tyler, she collapses and falls off the stage.

And the episode ends, with a voiceover instructing viewers to tune in tomorrow to see whether Symone Black LIVES or DIES. More or less. It’s a di*k move on “Idol”‘s part, taking advantage of a young woman possibly having a seizure for higher ratings. But if you’re surprised that a Fox show would exploit someone, you clearly haven’t seen “The Littlest Groom” or “Who’s Your Daddy?” or “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé.” I love Fox.

Also in last night’s episode: Jim Carrey’s daughter, Jane, performed Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Lookin’ Out My Back Door,” but didn’t sing it out her back door. I guess the skill doesn’t run in the family.

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Please trust that I would never, ever inflict “American Idol” upon you without good reason. Up until today, I hadn’t seen a second of the show since all the changes, and I’m in increasingly large company (ratings for the premiere this year were down 27 percent from last year’s premiere).

HOWEVER, I will temporarily lift my personal ban on all things “American Idol” for this, because it’s pretty g*ddam great. This guy — Reed Grimm, a 26-year-old Wisconsin man — sings the “Family Matters” theme, and it is Urkelicious. So, before you chastise me for RUINING Warming Glow with “American Idol” clips, give it a listen. If you don’t agree, THEN you can chastise.

Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.

American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”

Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.

Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.

Tomorrow’s “American Idol” finale promises to be one of the biggest musical queefs in television history: U2′s Bono and the Edge will perform with cast members from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the newly revamped musical scored by the Irish rockers. However, it’s unclear how much of crappy Spider-Man music will actually be played. Try to follow along:

After winning the Top Touring Artist Award at the 2011 Billboard Music Awards on Sunday night (May 22), U2 members Bono and the Edge are set to perform on the American Idol season 10 finale this Wednesday. [THR]

U2 are not performing on American Idol this Wednesday. Bono and Edge will appear alongside Reeve Carney, who plays Peter Parker in SPIDER-MAN Turn off the Dark which is set to open on Broadway, June 14. [U2's website]

So we’ve got some split hairs about “performing” versus “appearing” and what constitutes quorum for U2, but it seems like we’ll get to hear some crappy songs about a comic book character before we find out if Scott McCreery or Lauren Alaina is the next American Idol. Whoever those people are.

On last night’s “American Idol,” Lady Gaga wore a pair of $4500 shoes with lucite heels shaped like penises (close-up pictures below). TMZ is reporting that Fox censored the heels with the “American Idol” logo, but TMZ is run by barely literate retards with no common sense.

When Gaga appeared on the show, producers smacked an “Idol” logo over her sexually explicit stilettos because they each had a Lucite penis for a heel. [TMZ]

Then TMZ put an arrow on the banner image pointing to the heel that very clearly is not being censored. In fact, in the video below, you’ll see that the “Idol” logo just stays there on the bottom left side of the screen for the entire time. It’s a complete accident that the logo covers one of Gaga’s dildo heels.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be that stupid. I imagine it’s a neverending string of drinking expired milk and getting hit by cars and pushing doors that need to be pulled open.

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