Hip Hop Squares (MTV2) – “Hip Hop Squares” debuts at 11 tonight. I discussed how excited I am about this show a few weeks ago, and that excitement has not tapered off one iota. Especially since MTV has been doing things like posting videos on their website of Ghostface Killah and Fat Joe touring the set. This is exactly how you promote a television show. (Video after the jump.)

American Idol (FOX) – Part one of the two-part finale. I know we haven’t talked a lot about “American Idol” around here, but you guys are aware that one of the finalists is named Phillip Phillips, right? I know I’m prone to fits of hyperbole, but that might be the single dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard.

Glee (FOX) – The students graduate in the Season 3 finale. I don’t really have much to say about “Glee,” so I’d just like to take this opportunity to tell you that I’ve had that “Call Me Maybe” song stuck in my head for five whole days.

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – Part two of the finale. Hey, I just met you, and this is CRAZY, but here’s my number, so call me maybe. And all the other boys try to chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase me, but here’s my number so call me mayb-[eats an entire bucket of cyanide]

Deadliest Catch/The Devil’s Ride (Discovery) – Tonight’s episode of “Deadliest Catch” is titled “I Don’t Wanna Die.” I have chosen to believe this is a reference to “Tha Crossroads.”

River Monsters: Unhooked/River Monsters: Killer Weapons (Animal Planet) – The human race should have stopped trifling with nature the instant we invented cable television. It’s terrifying out there.

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Forbes released their annual list of the most powerful celebrities in the world earlier this week, and this year their very scientific algorithms revealed that “American Idol” judge Jennifer Lopez took home the title. In doing so, she beat out people like Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay, and her “American Idol” boss, Simon Cowell. This is incredibly stupid. Is she more famous than some of those people? Sure. Can you sell a bunch more magazines with a pretty picture of her on the cover than you can with a picture of Simon Cowell looking dismissively at the camera while crammed into a skin-tight black t-shirt? Of course. But don’t try to tell me she’s the Most Powerful Celebrity in the World because of “Web Rank” or “Social Rank” or some other hooey. If the person ranked at the top of your Most Powerful list can be fired by the person ranked 18th, your methodology is somewhat flawed.

Speaking of Jennifer Lopez and “American Idol,” E! Online is reporting that Lopez may leave the show at the end of this year to focus on other things like touring with Enrique Iglesias and raising her kids and stuff, but I don’t give a single cartwheeling sh-t about that story, so I’m just going to post this picture of a little kid dressed as Prince from Purple Rain and move right along.

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Fox has unveiled their fall schedule ahead of their upfront presentation, and their strategy mostly seems to be: If it ain’t broke, let’s milk it for another season. Like every other season of the last decade, Fox is building its schedule around “American Idol” and, now, “The X-Factor.” Despite dwindling ratings — in part because of the proliferation of “American Idol” copy-cats, INCLUDING “The X-Factor” — “American Idol” still remains the top rated show on network television, and the most profitable (“The X-Factor” is the second most profitable). How does Fox make them even MORE profitable with ratings decreases? Easy: Pad them out into two hours apiece (instead of 90 minutes followed by a low-rated sitcom). Will that mean more singing? No! Of course not. It’ll mean more product placement and more commercials, silly.

Meanwhile, the animation block — “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy,” “Bob’s Burgers,” and “The Cleveland Show” — will all return to fill out the Sunday night lineup. “House” is gone on Mondays, but it’ll be replaced by “Bones.” “My Boss,” a show starring Jordano Spiro as a surgeon trying to help the family pay back a debt to the mob, will follow at 9 EST in the fall. Kevin Bacon’s new show, “The Following” — about a complicated relationship between an FBI agent and a serial killer he captured — will hold that slot in the spring.

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Forbes magazine, ostensibly a business and finance magazine, nevertheless loves to calculate profits for tv shows, movie, and celebrities because they’re not dumb: They know it’s the only time the Internet actually pays attention to the publication. Their latest? Ranking the 10 Most Profitable TV Shows, based on the amount of ad revenue each show generates per half hour. None of it is particularly surprising, except for number nine: “Mad Love.” That show — which starred Jason Biggs, Judy Greer, Sarah Chalke, and Tyler Labine — was actually cancelled last May, but because of its time slot (between “How I Met Your Mother” and “Two and a Half Men”), it was able to generate a large amount of ad revenue (ironically, “How I Met Your Mother” is not actually among the top ten).

The list basically tells you exactly why television is chock full of reality television, and why certain shows remain on the schedule despite having run their course creatively years ago. I would guess, also, that the list only includes the 2010-2011 season, otherwise I would imagine “The Voice” would be included on the top ten. As it is, and unsurprisingly, NBC has zero shows on the list.

Here are TV’s 10 Most Profitable Shows.

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Happy Endings/Modern Family (ABC) – Last week’s episode of “Happy Endings” was really, really good. I could watch Adam Pally act like a bear for a month, only taking periodic breaks to look at the GIF of Sofia Vergara firing a gun that I’ve posted after the jump. See how I worked in both shows there? Don’t try this at home, kids. I’m a professional.

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) – Honestly, I feel a little weird about trashing these shows even though I’ve barely watched them. I’m very sure I won’t enjoy them because I don’t enjoy either woman’s style of comedy, but I’m sure someone likes these shows. Just stay away from me, creeps.

One Tree Hill (CW) – I follow TV pretty closely, but if you had told me this show got canceled in 2007, I wouldn’t have questioned you for a second. Nine years, people. This show has been on for nine years.

American Idol (FOX) – The ladies are singing tonight. I haven’t watched any of this season because ew, but I’d be willing to plop down a $20 that all of the female contestants left have better singing voices than either of the show’s female judges. (This is a hilarious joke referencing the fact that Steven Tyler appears to dress like a lady sometimes. You are welcome for the explanation.)

Psych (USA) – Midseason premiere. Sometimes I watch this show just to see the faces Dule Hill’s character makes. He’s great. The other guy? Notsomuch.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ed Helms and Leslie Bibb on Kimmel; Neil Patrick Harris and Taylor Kitsch on Letterman; Tom Lennon on Ferguson; John McCain and Elizabeth Olsen on Leno; Danny DeVito and Larry the Cable Guy on Fallon; and Khloe Kardashian and a BASE jumper bro on Conan.

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