Not pictured: Stage Manager Debbie Williams

After 16-year-old Symone Black finishes a perfectly pleasant performance of “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” during last night’s “American Idol,” she begins talking with the judges. Randy asks her why she chose that song. She answers, “I wanted to reach out to an older crowd,” and Dawg E. Dawg begins teasing her, responding with, “You’re saying we’re older?” What a card. Symone then visibly begins to stumble and trip over her words, and, like so many other women who have been within 10 feet of Steven Tyler, she collapses and falls off the stage.

And the episode ends, with a voiceover instructing viewers to tune in tomorrow to see whether Symone Black LIVES or DIES. More or less. It’s a di*k move on “Idol”‘s part, taking advantage of a young woman possibly having a seizure for higher ratings. But if you’re surprised that a Fox show would exploit someone, you clearly haven’t seen “The Littlest Groom” or “Who’s Your Daddy?” or “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé.” I love Fox.

Also in last night’s episode: Jim Carrey’s daughter, Jane, performed Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Lookin’ Out My Back Door,” but didn’t sing it out her back door. I guess the skill doesn’t run in the family.

(GIF Via)

Please trust that I would never, ever inflict “American Idol” upon you without good reason. Up until today, I hadn’t seen a second of the show since all the changes, and I’m in increasingly large company (ratings for the premiere this year were down 27 percent from last year’s premiere).

HOWEVER, I will temporarily lift my personal ban on all things “American Idol” for this, because it’s pretty g*ddam great. This guy — Reed Grimm, a 26-year-old Wisconsin man — sings the “Family Matters” theme, and it is Urkelicious. So, before you chastise me for RUINING Warming Glow with “American Idol” clips, give it a listen. If you don’t agree, THEN you can chastise.

Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.

American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”

Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.

Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.

Tomorrow’s “American Idol” finale promises to be one of the biggest musical queefs in television history: U2′s Bono and the Edge will perform with cast members from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the newly revamped musical scored by the Irish rockers. However, it’s unclear how much of crappy Spider-Man music will actually be played. Try to follow along:

After winning the Top Touring Artist Award at the 2011 Billboard Music Awards on Sunday night (May 22), U2 members Bono and the Edge are set to perform on the American Idol season 10 finale this Wednesday. [THR]

U2 are not performing on American Idol this Wednesday. Bono and Edge will appear alongside Reeve Carney, who plays Peter Parker in SPIDER-MAN Turn off the Dark which is set to open on Broadway, June 14. [U2's website]

So we’ve got some split hairs about “performing” versus “appearing” and what constitutes quorum for U2, but it seems like we’ll get to hear some crappy songs about a comic book character before we find out if Scott McCreery or Lauren Alaina is the next American Idol. Whoever those people are.

On last night’s “American Idol,” Lady Gaga wore a pair of $4500 shoes with lucite heels shaped like penises (close-up pictures below). TMZ is reporting that Fox censored the heels with the “American Idol” logo, but TMZ is run by barely literate retards with no common sense.

When Gaga appeared on the show, producers smacked an “Idol” logo over her sexually explicit stilettos because they each had a Lucite penis for a heel. [TMZ]

Then TMZ put an arrow on the banner image pointing to the heel that very clearly is not being censored. In fact, in the video below, you’ll see that the “Idol” logo just stays there on the bottom left side of the screen for the entire time. It’s a complete accident that the logo covers one of Gaga’s dildo heels.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be that stupid. I imagine it’s a neverending string of drinking expired milk and getting hit by cars and pushing doors that need to be pulled open.

Heels designed by Void of Course, your go-to source for gas mask couture.

American Idol (Fox) — The last time Lady Gaga appeared on “Idol,” she performed “Alejandro.” This time around, she serves as mentor to the final four contestants as they sing… the songbook of Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller? Two guys who were born in the 1930s and wrote hit songs in the 1950s? Screw you, Fox.

Modern Family (ABC) — Nothing from its second season made our list of the best episodes of the 2010-11, but that doesn’t mean “Modern Family” isn’t still excellent. It’s just reliably solid every week, consistently clearing a comedic bar that most sitcoms only achieve on their best days.

South Park (Comedy Central) — Trey Parker and Matt Stone tackle the royal wedding. Should be a good one.

Extreme Couponing (TLC) — Coupon clipper Amber’s shopping trip hits a snag when the babysitter cancels, forcing her to bring her four children to the grocery store. Over/under on the number of dirty looks she gets from other shoppers: 300 million. (Watch a preview clip here.)

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — A pair of Game 5s: Celtics-Heat followed by Grizzlies-Thunder. I got roped into that triple-OT Game 4 the other night and didn’t get to bed until after 1:30 a.m. Stupid Russell Westbrook.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Attractive people alert! Jon Hamm and Miranda Kerr are Conan’s guests tonight. Less so on Letterman, who has Chaz Bono. Also on the docket: Dick Van Dyke on Leno (holy sh*t, his audience is ancient); Chris O’Donnell on Kimmel; Tim Meadows on Ferguson; Keith Richards and Paul Bettany on Fallon; and Albert Brooks on “The Daily Show.”

I'm with stupid.

Simon Cowell’s “X Factor” began taping in Los Angeles yesterday, and for some reason Paula Abdul was there. My first assumption was that she wandered through by accident while searching for prescription medication, but it turns out that she actually had a seat at the judges’ table with Cowell, Cheryl Cole, and L.A. Reid.

The reunion between the former love-hate ”American Idol” colleagues was preceded by plenty of offstage drama, so much so that it was in doubt much of the weekend whether Abdul’s deal would be ready in time for Sunday’s first day of auditions…

Though the huge audience cheered and groaned at a variety of amateur acts in the state-of-the-art basketball arena, it was Cowell and Abdul who were clearly the star attractions. Their opening remarks were interrupted by cries of “We love you, Paula.” [LA Times]

I can only assume those were sarcastic cheers. “Oooh, yeah, we totally love you, Paula. You’re the greatest! Even better than other singers from 20 years ago who are far more coherent. Please, fill us with knowledge and insight.” I’m not sure if you can make a dismissive wanking motion with one of those big styrofoam “#1″ fingers, but I hope that they tried.

In a new memoir, former “American Idol” judge Kara DioGuardi discusses her career in the music industry, including her claims of being date raped by a “fairly known producer,” and being sexually harassed by a “hugely successful artist” on a three-day songwriting trip. From ABC News:

Instead of working on music, she writes that “the trip’s activities consisted of watching Russian porn, scavenging around the kitchen for food [and] leering at two strippers … as they performed sex acts in the living room.”

Yeesh. Bieber is really getting out of hand.

I guess I’d like to conclude this post with two important points: 1) Sexual abuse is incredibly serious and unfunny. 2) I really, really don’t want to come any closer to this story than I have. I was going to write up a big paragraph about how her description of what happened on the boat doesn’t actually sound that bad given what we know about rock stars, but every time I tried I started sounding like some Spike Channel watching mouthbreather. “Ay, settle down, baby. You know how the game is played.” Ick. So I’m just going to post a video after the jump of a baby laughing while a doggie bursts bubbles, and move along.

Well, yeah. Otherwise they’d die of dehydration. Duh. Vince reviews Water for Elephants. True story: One day when I was filling it at Film Drunk, I came *thisclose* to pulling a screencap from the trailer where Reese Witherspoon rides into town on an elephant like she’s Prince Ali or something, and doing a whole post where I changed the lyrics of the song to make them relevant to her. Not doing so is one of my greatest regrets. [Film Drunk]

I hate this kid. Mark Zuckerberg wants to pay more taxes, which, you know, fine. But his whole existence infuriates me, because I would have been a great 25-year-old billionaire, and he’s doing it all wrong. I have ideas, people. [Uproxx News]

And he moves like an angel. Burnsy’s week in review is heavy on dancing. [Uproxx]

It’s funny because the trophy fell. Brandon Stroud, with the headline of the week. [With Leather]

Pictured at right, my muse. I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t think any of you really grasp how many Kelly Kapowski GIFs I have on my computer. It’s actually a little unsettling. [via LOLSlater]

Be a fair amount of what you can be. The Smoking Section is looking for writers. Do you have what it takes to join the Uproxx clan? For example, I got out of bed after hitting the snooze bar ONLY FOUR TIMES today. [The Smoking Section]

More after the jump, including the latest video by my favorite nine-member, all-girl Korean pop group.

And I’m assuming this is some sort of restaurant, yes? Pia Toscano will appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” I hear that place has great gnocchi. [EW]

Yee-haw, indeed. Via the inimitable bubbaprog, here’s a GIF of Boyd Crowder doing a jig at Mags Bennett’s party a few weeks back. [Mock Session]

Mmmm, sexy cartoons. The fifteen sexiest women of “Archer.” It probably says a lot of bad things about my psychological well-being that I kind of love Cheryl/Carol. [Super Booyah]

Finally, as promised, the newest video by Girls Generation, a group of nine South Korean girls performing choreography in thigh-high boots. Yet ANOTHER thing other countries are doing better than us. Come on, America.

Justified (FX) – I want to be very clear about something. If I ever happen across the actor who played the bank robber in last week’s episode who kicked my precious Winona in the face, I will tear him limb from limb. You may argue he was just playing the role as written, and may very well be a nice man with a good heart. I don’t care. He knew what he signed on for when he took the part.

Modern Family (ABC) – In tonight’s episode, Luke befriends a curmudgeonly neighbor, played by Philip Baker Hall. I’m not the biggest “Seinfeld” fan in the world, but Hall’s turn as Mr. Bookman, the library cop, resulted in one of my favorite television scenes ever.  Ha, “pee pees and wee wees.”

American Idol (FOX) – Tonight, the finalists perform Motown songs. This infuriates me.

American Greed (CNBC) – I watched a bunch of these one night. It’s amazing how many people get caught by leaving files out/open that are essentially labeled “Crimes I am currently committing.”  The nice part is that now I’m like 85% sure I could run an incredible Ponzi scheme. Thanks, CNBC!

Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy) – Spoiler alert: faked. All of them. Faked by giant fakers who faked their way through Fakeyfaketown State University, where they got their fake degree in Fakeology. Except for Ouija boards. I’m pretty sure those are real. My brother’s friend’s cousin’s dad told him so.  But he also went to Fakeyfaketown State, so take that with a grain of salt.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jake Gyllenhaal on Kimmel; Ben Stiller, Dario Franchitti, and The Strokes on Letterman; Vanessa Hudgens (who, for the record, seems like a blast to hang out with) and “Real World” alum/WWE Champ The Miz on Conan; Jim Parsons on Ferguson; Trey Parker and Matt Stone on Fallon (also, Bootsy Collins jams with The Roots); and Carol Burnett on Leno. Timely, Jay. Full listings at TV Squad.