American Idol (Fox) — The last time Lady Gaga appeared on “Idol,” she performed “Alejandro.” This time around, she serves as mentor to the final four contestants as they sing… the songbook of Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller? Two guys who were born in the 1930s and wrote hit songs in the 1950s? Screw you, Fox.

Modern Family (ABC) — Nothing from its second season made our list of the best episodes of the 2010-11, but that doesn’t mean “Modern Family” isn’t still excellent. It’s just reliably solid every week, consistently clearing a comedic bar that most sitcoms only achieve on their best days.

South Park (Comedy Central) — Trey Parker and Matt Stone tackle the royal wedding. Should be a good one.

Extreme Couponing (TLC) — Coupon clipper Amber’s shopping trip hits a snag when the babysitter cancels, forcing her to bring her four children to the grocery store. Over/under on the number of dirty looks she gets from other shoppers: 300 million. (Watch a preview clip here.)

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — A pair of Game 5s: Celtics-Heat followed by Grizzlies-Thunder. I got roped into that triple-OT Game 4 the other night and didn’t get to bed until after 1:30 a.m. Stupid Russell Westbrook.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Attractive people alert! Jon Hamm and Miranda Kerr are Conan’s guests tonight. Less so on Letterman, who has Chaz Bono. Also on the docket: Dick Van Dyke on Leno (holy sh*t, his audience is ancient); Chris O’Donnell on Kimmel; Tim Meadows on Ferguson; Keith Richards and Paul Bettany on Fallon; and Albert Brooks on “The Daily Show.”

I'm with stupid.

Simon Cowell’s “X Factor” began taping in Los Angeles yesterday, and for some reason Paula Abdul was there. My first assumption was that she wandered through by accident while searching for prescription medication, but it turns out that she actually had a seat at the judges’ table with Cowell, Cheryl Cole, and L.A. Reid.

The reunion between the former love-hate ”American Idol” colleagues was preceded by plenty of offstage drama, so much so that it was in doubt much of the weekend whether Abdul’s deal would be ready in time for Sunday’s first day of auditions…

Though the huge audience cheered and groaned at a variety of amateur acts in the state-of-the-art basketball arena, it was Cowell and Abdul who were clearly the star attractions. Their opening remarks were interrupted by cries of “We love you, Paula.” [LA Times]

I can only assume those were sarcastic cheers. “Oooh, yeah, we totally love you, Paula. You’re the greatest! Even better than other singers from 20 years ago who are far more coherent. Please, fill us with knowledge and insight.” I’m not sure if you can make a dismissive wanking motion with one of those big styrofoam “#1″ fingers, but I hope that they tried.

In a new memoir, former “American Idol” judge Kara DioGuardi discusses her career in the music industry, including her claims of being date raped by a “fairly known producer,” and being sexually harassed by a “hugely successful artist” on a three-day songwriting trip. From ABC News:

Instead of working on music, she writes that “the trip’s activities consisted of watching Russian porn, scavenging around the kitchen for food [and] leering at two strippers … as they performed sex acts in the living room.”

Yeesh. Bieber is really getting out of hand.

I guess I’d like to conclude this post with two important points: 1) Sexual abuse is incredibly serious and unfunny. 2) I really, really don’t want to come any closer to this story than I have. I was going to write up a big paragraph about how her description of what happened on the boat doesn’t actually sound that bad given what we know about rock stars, but every time I tried I started sounding like some Spike Channel watching mouthbreather. “Ay, settle down, baby. You know how the game is played.” Ick. So I’m just going to post a video after the jump of a baby laughing while a doggie bursts bubbles, and move along.

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Well, yeah. Otherwise they’d die of dehydration. Duh. Vince reviews Water for Elephants. True story: One day when I was filling it at Film Drunk, I came *thisclose* to pulling a screencap from the trailer where Reese Witherspoon rides into town on an elephant like she’s Prince Ali or something, and doing a whole post where I changed the lyrics of the song to make them relevant to her. Not doing so is one of my greatest regrets. [Film Drunk]

I hate this kid. Mark Zuckerberg wants to pay more taxes, which, you know, fine. But his whole existence infuriates me, because I would have been a great 25-year-old billionaire, and he’s doing it all wrong. I have ideas, people. [Uproxx News]

And he moves like an angel. Burnsy’s week in review is heavy on dancing. [Uproxx]

It’s funny because the trophy fell. Brandon Stroud, with the headline of the week. [With Leather]

Pictured at right, my muse. I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t think any of you really grasp how many Kelly Kapowski GIFs I have on my computer. It’s actually a little unsettling. [via LOLSlater]

Be a fair amount of what you can be. The Smoking Section is looking for writers. Do you have what it takes to join the Uproxx clan? For example, I got out of bed after hitting the snooze bar ONLY FOUR TIMES today. [The Smoking Section]

More after the jump, including the latest video by my favorite nine-member, all-girl Korean pop group.

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Justified (FX) – I want to be very clear about something. If I ever happen across the actor who played the bank robber in last week’s episode who kicked my precious Winona in the face, I will tear him limb from limb. You may argue he was just playing the role as written, and may very well be a nice man with a good heart. I don’t care. He knew what he signed on for when he took the part.

Modern Family (ABC) – In tonight’s episode, Luke befriends a curmudgeonly neighbor, played by Philip Baker Hall. I’m not the biggest “Seinfeld” fan in the world, but Hall’s turn as Mr. Bookman, the library cop, resulted in one of my favorite television scenes ever.  Ha, “pee pees and wee wees.”

American Idol (FOX) – Tonight, the finalists perform Motown songs. This infuriates me.

American Greed (CNBC) – I watched a bunch of these one night. It’s amazing how many people get caught by leaving files out/open that are essentially labeled “Crimes I am currently committing.”  The nice part is that now I’m like 85% sure I could run an incredible Ponzi scheme. Thanks, CNBC!

Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy) – Spoiler alert: faked. All of them. Faked by giant fakers who faked their way through Fakeyfaketown State University, where they got their fake degree in Fakeology. Except for Ouija boards. I’m pretty sure those are real. My brother’s friend’s cousin’s dad told him so.  But he also went to Fakeyfaketown State, so take that with a grain of salt.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jake Gyllenhaal on Kimmel; Ben Stiller, Dario Franchitti, and The Strokes on Letterman; Vanessa Hudgens (who, for the record, seems like a blast to hang out with) and “Real World” alum/WWE Champ The Miz on Conan; Jim Parsons on Ferguson; Trey Parker and Matt Stone on Fallon (also, Bootsy Collins jams with The Roots); and Carol Burnett on Leno. Timely, Jay. Full listings at TV Squad.