America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Eight of last night’s 12 acts get sent home. My guess is that Team iLuminate here makes it through to the next round. [via BuzzFeed]

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — The final six dancers perform for guest judges Christina Applegate and Lil’ C. I have no idea who Lil’ C is. Is Lil’ C a man or a woman? A rapper, maybe? And at what point did we decide to ignore the correct conjunction li’l? I am not a crackpot.

Franklin & Bash (TNT) — Season finale. Sad times, bro. But at least we got one more recap from Danger Guerrero coming tomorrow.

Scream If You Know the Answer (Travel) — Series premiere. Contestants on this game show answer questions while on a roller coaster. I’m 100% sure I’ve seen video of thisbefore — either from a foreign version of the show, or possibly on a late-night segment — but it’s been a long day and I don’t feel like looking it up.

How Sharks Hunt (Discovery) — Somehow, this is an hour-long program. Does it really take an hour to say, “They smell blood and swim really fast and nothing can stop them”?

Deadliest Warrior (Spike) — U.S. Army Rangers versus North Korean special ops. Puh-leaze. I enjoy denigrating the Army as much as the next Marine, but if North Korea doesn’t have enough food or electricity to be a first-world country, I hardly think their spec ops can compete with our semi-elite.

About as sad as a screen cap gets.

Jay Maynard, better known on the Internet as Tron Guy, appeared on “America’s Got Talent” last night when the show rolled through Houston (video below). And it’s hard out there for a cosplay pimp, because the crowd and the judges were BRUTAL on him. Sharon Osborne buzzed her “X” as soon as he started talking. Then the crowd turned on him. Piers Morgan buzzed him when he started over. Howie Mandel was the only one who tried to give Tron Guy a chance, and I think he hit the buzzer for Tron Guy’s safety, because the crowd was getting ugly. Another ten to 15 seconds and they would have started throwing batteries at him. Or whatever Texas crowds use instead of batteries. Horseshoes? Bullets?

Anyway, lessons learned: 1. Saying “I’m an internet celebrity” is never a good thing, and 2. Being fat and wearing spandex is not a talent. Not even in Texas. Especially not in Texas.

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America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season premiere. Hosted by Nick Cannon and starring judges Howie Mandel, Sharon Osbourne, and Piers Morgan, it is literally impossible to find a lineup that I respect less. A judges panel comprised of a whoopie cushion, a golden retriever, and a rodeo clown with a bike horn would be more telegenic and offer better commentary.

NBA Finals (ABC) — Mavericks at Heat, Game 1. People who complained that The Hangover Part II is too similar the the first movie won’t want to see Dirk Nowitzki come up short against Miami for a second time.

Traffic Light (Fox) — Series finale. Too bad, this had potential and deserved a second season.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Daniel Tosh gives the naked wizard a Web Redemption. If you ask me, “naked wizard” sounds like sex act on Urban Dictionary.

The Little Couple (TLC) — Season premiere. Bill and Jen are still trying to start a little family. You know, Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister on “Game of Thrones” has made me respect little people way more than any of TLC’s programming.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Hudson on Letterman; Jennifer Lopez on Leno; Ray Romano on Ferguson; and Jimmy Fallon on “The Daily Show.” Jimmy Kimmel gets a bonus “Game Night” episode in primetime before the NBA Finals.

Ever since Susan Boyle became a YouTube sensation and totally made me cry a little during “Britain’s Got Talent,” various “____ Got Talent” acts have been labeled “the next Susan Boyle.” And yet no one’s really ever been the next Susan Boyle, because dumpy unemployed Scottish cat ladies who also happen to be virtuoso altos are kind of hard to come by.

So here’s the newest iteration of not-Susan Boyle, a ten-year-old YouTube entry to “America’s Got Talent” named Jackie Evancho, a girl with a voice made of honey and rainbows and ground-up unicorn horns. I guess it’s great that she sings purty, but what I noticed is that she is gonna be smokin’ hot some day. Uh, I mean she’s already beautiful. Er, she’s a very nice-looking ten-year-old. CRAP! Forget I said anything.

[BuzzFeed]

America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season premiere. Assclown-of-all-trades Nick Cannon hosts, while NBC utility player Howie Mandel takes David Hasselhoff’s spot on the judges’ panel. When reached for comment, the Hoff said, “Blrrrrrg you doan know the first thing abow thuvvvvzzzz… WHA? Huh?”

Losing It with Jillian (NBC) — Series premiere. I generally disagree with everything the Washington Post’s Hank Stuever has to say, but I liked how he phrased this in his review: “‘Losing It With Jillian’ takes what was good about ‘The Biggest Loser’ — the weigh-ins, the workouts, the touchy-feely fussbudget who is Jillian’s co-star, Bob Harper — and replaces it with all that oopy-goopy lard of the sorrow of being fat.” The sorrow of being fat. That sounds like the title of a hilarious poem.

Justified (FX) — Second-to-last episode of the season. I’m gonna miss you, Raylan Givens. Not as much as your bangin’ ex-wife, but still: a lot.

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox) — Season premiere. Gordon Ramsay yells at aspiring chefs who aren’t good enough for “Top Chef.”

Downtown Girls (MTV) — Series premiere. It’s like “The Hills” and “the City,” except with people who aren’t even important enough for the tabloids to cover them.