Wow, with natural beauties like this on “America’s Next Top Model,” I can’t believe that none of the show’s winners have gone on to become world-famous supermodels.

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Today’s top TV story: New York firefighter Taylor Murphy — Mr. March in the 2011 FDNY calendar — is charged with assault, criminal mischief, and criminal obstruction of breathing for allegedly beating his girlfriend Claudia Charriez — a transsexual model who made it to the semifinals on “America’s Next Top Model” before getting disqualified for being born with a penis — in front of the Flashdancers strip club two weeks ago. Take it away, New York Post:

[Charriez] told The Post yesterday the attack began when Murphy became jealous during their visit to the Times Square nudie bar, where several men asked her for a lap dance. ”A couple of guys saw me and wanted me to dance for them, ” she said. “Then the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted to work for him. [Murphy] said he thought I was flirting with those guys.”

They argued, and Murphy allegedly became violent on the sidewalk, shattering her cellphone on the ground and dragging her down the street by her hair, Charriez said. ”He pinned me into a telephone booth and strangled me, then let go and started crying.”

Like I always say, let he who hasn’t broken down into tears after strangling his tranny girlfriend in a telephone booth throw the first stone.

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America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Season finale. It’s Brittani versus Molly! There are high stakes for these voluptuous natural beauties (*sarcasm alarm goes off*): one will become a waitress, and the other will become a waitress with a Cover Girl contract.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — Season finale. Hey, remembered when “Justified” was on Wednesday nights? *sigh*

Law & Order: SVU (NBC) — Season 12 finale. No rape in this episode — just the murder of someone who was supposed to testify in a rape trial. Also, there’s a shootout in the precinct. Eh, I could’ve gone for more rape, but I suppose that’ll do.

Happy Endings (ABC) — Another set of back-to-back episodes. ABC sure as hell doesn’t know how to manage sitcoms (see: “Better Off Ted”), but I’m glad that they managed to pick up a second season of this show.

American Idol (Fox) — “Idol” visits the hometowns of the final three singers, a reality staple that “The Bachelor” franchise does with its finalists as well. I don’t quite understand the appeal of that. If it’s an American town with a mall or a Wal-Mart, I don’t need to see it. There’s supposedly a Mark Twain quote along the lines of, “In America, there’s New York, New Orleans, and San Francisco. Everywhere else is Cleveland.” I’ve never been able to verify it, but I dig it nonetheless.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Keith Olbermann and Julie Bowen on Letterman; Ed Helms on Leno; Topher Grace and Adam Carolla on Kimmel; Jim Parsons and “The Killing’s” Mireille Enos on Fallon; and Bradley Cooper on Conan.

The CW renewed five of its shows yesterday, which has to be great news for everyone from teenage girls to grown women who act like teenage girls. Most notable in this news was the revelation that after years of increasingly dull cycles, “America’s Next Top Model” would finally have an All-Star edition.

First off, America’s Next Top Model will return with an All-Stars edition, featuring previous model hopefuls who were “breakout characters” and who “had the most memorable stories from past cycles.” Our question: Does that mean they’ll be bringing back the girls who had the most potential to make it in the modeling world? Or will they concentrate on the people who brought the most drama?  [LA Times]

Considering that one of the girls who WON a cycle served me coffee in Brooklyn a couple years ago, I figure the show will aim for drama. And that means we’re destined to see Jade Cole (pictured), the Cycle 6 villain who showed up telling everyone how hot she was and then spent the next twelve weeks being told she looked like a tranny. Good times.

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Ann Ward, the 19-year-old Dallas native who grossed us all out in August when she first appeared on “America’s Next Top Model,” was declared the winner of the most recent cycle last night. When the season began, she measured six-foot-two and less than 100 pounds, but I’m sure living in a house with a bunch of other models helped her gain a little weight.

“When I saw that I was the winner, I really choked up,” the 6″2 Dallas native, 19, told UsMagazine.com after the show. “It was really emotional for me because I’ve been through a lot. I wasn’t expecting to win. It totally caught me off guard.”

Ward’s wafer-thin frame came under attack in August when a show promo featured judge Miss J Alexander putting his hands around her miniscule midsection. “You have the smallest waist in the world,” host Tyra Banks told her. “Look at that waist!” (Banks, 37, later said she was “sorry for the style in which the Top Model promo clip was presented.”) [Us]

Ward will get a $100,000 modeling contract, of which she said, “”I’m going to invest in my career.” But what she really needs to invest in is french fries. Goddam, EAT SOME FOOD. Women should really be trying to look more like Esther from this season: