Ann Ward, the 19-year-old Dallas native who grossed us all out in August when she first appeared on “America’s Next Top Model,” was declared the winner of the most recent cycle last night. When the season began, she measured six-foot-two and less than 100 pounds, but I’m sure living in a house with a bunch of other models helped her gain a little weight.

“When I saw that I was the winner, I really choked up,” the 6″2 Dallas native, 19, told UsMagazine.com after the show. “It was really emotional for me because I’ve been through a lot. I wasn’t expecting to win. It totally caught me off guard.”

Ward’s wafer-thin frame came under attack in August when a show promo featured judge Miss J Alexander putting his hands around her miniscule midsection. “You have the smallest waist in the world,” host Tyra Banks told her. “Look at that waist!” (Banks, 37, later said she was “sorry for the style in which the Top Model promo clip was presented.”) [Us]

Ward will get a $100,000 modeling contract, of which she said, “”I’m going to invest in my career.” But what she really needs to invest in is french fries. Goddam, EAT SOME FOOD. Women should really be trying to look more like Esther from this season:

The 15th cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” debuted last week, and the show has never been less relevant. Nevertheless, it’s still chugging along, Tyra is still enamored with herself, and countless haggard young skinny women still consider it a viable way to begin a modeling career (it isn’t). As Rich from fourfour writes:

[The show's] gift to the world was not a parade of top models, but schadenfreude and general amazement at the things people will do to get on and stay on TV, and that’s not even mentioning the things they do in spite of themselves being on TV. These models may not look always look like models, but their insides are reliably freakish and gangly.

All of that is a too-long way for me to segue into reiterating a message that straight men have been sending the fashion industry for decades: “Big tits good, super-skinny bad.” Regarding the image above, we’ve already met the sickly thin Ann, who weighs less than 100 pounds even though she’s six-foot-two. Doing it MUCH better is Esther (left), who was kind enough to lift up her shirt and display the magic of underwire. But a static picture doesn’t really capture the magic of her assets. To the GIFmobile, Batman!

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The new season of “America Next Top Model” is about to begin and you can tell because of the frenzied preparations people are making not to watch it. Nevertheless, one of the contestants is freakishly tall and skinny, a look that is so seldom seen in the modeling world that I had to rewrite this sentence four times just to give the logic time to cohere in my mind. The video promo posted above features Ann, a contestant from Dallas who is said to be 6’2″ tall and weigh fewer than 100 lbs.

In another development in rabid defiance of expectation, Ann was lauded by show host Tyra Banks for her skinniness. THE VERY THOUGHT! And feminists, quite shockingly roiled by the admiration of the uncommonly thin, are concerned that Tyra Banks, a woman who has promoted acceptance for plus-sized women, would not shriek in blood-curdling horror at the sight of Ann. Even if you’d break her in half if you so much as bent her backwards.

I’ll give you all a moment to process the many incredibly improbable ways this story has played out.

On this week’s “America’s Next Top Model,” aspiring modeling failure Alexandra faced a runway challenge that featured both a daunting staircase and a runway intermittently blocked by swinging pendulums. Why the hell are there swinging pendulums on the runway, you ask? Because it’s awesome. Duh.

Anyway, the video below shows Alexandra navigating the obstacles with style and grace. Nah, just kidding. She fails spectacularly in every way possible. It’s absolutely delightful. Those pendulums are FIERCE.

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America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Marisa Miller shows up on tonight’s episode, slumming almost as badly as that time she got married. Above is a picture of her at Spike’s Guy Choice Awards, where she presumably won the Guys’ Choice Award. Photos from tonight’s “ANTM” here; Miller’s “salute the troops” Harley-Davidson campaign here. Go ahead, make a joke about your penis saluting.

Friday Night Lights (DirecTV) — I don’t have DirecTV and this won’t air on NBC until next summer, so I’m just going to pretend this show isn’t happening until then. It’s easier for me that way.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Is Natalie Portman talking about fellatio? No? Then I’m not interested unless someone cooks up a reason to put Chef Jennifer in a bikini again.

Modern Family (ABC) — One of the unsung factors in this show’s success is that the child actors don’t suck, which is surprising, since I didn’t realize there were four good child actors on the entire planet. The kid who plays Manny is terrific.

Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (TBS) — Season 6 premiere. Not even Obama could explain to white people the appeal of this show.

World Series (Fox) — Game 6, Phillies at Yankees. I like the Phillies to win, assuming the rules have been changed to allow Chase Utley to bat in place of everybody else in the lineup.

The Lake House (Oxygen) — I saw this on a date a couple years back. There are some nice shots of Chicago architecture, but aside from that, it’s hilariously awful. It should have been called The Time-Traveling Wormhole Mailbox.