“My Extreme Animal Phobia” is one of the greatest sources of unintentional comedy on television — who can forget Marvin, the tattooed badass who cried at the sight of a pit bull puppy? — and the Animal Planet series hits paydirt once more with Sandra, who attempts to face her fear of cats. Sandra must walk down a hallway of cats behind glass doors, and though they can’t touch her, the animals’ plaintive meows bring Sandra to tears. Her crippling phobia isn’t quite as hilarious as Marvin’s, but it’s still worth it for the moral support she gets from the show’s other star:

The cuts to that lady in the confessional  room really make this video worthwhile. “The cats are behind GLASS! What’s her problem?” Thank you, No-Nonsense Black Woman. You say what we think.

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Call off the search, I have found The Greatest TV Clip of All Time. In Animal Planet’s “My Extreme Animal Phobia,” badass muscular Marvin, adorned with tattooed sleeves and ink on his face and neck, breaks down into tears at the sight of puppies (video below via Buzzfeed).

In order to face his fear, Marvin has to pet a pit bull puppy that’s about 4 months old. And every time I started to feel bad about him having a paralyzing deep-seated phobia, the camera cut to the little puppy wagging its tail and I couldn’t help but laugh. There should be some sort of prerequisite for getting a neck tattoo. “I’m sorry, sir, but before I can give you this fearsome permanent mark that will limit your jobs to bouncer and speed-metal bassist, I have to ensure that you’re not terrified of cuddly puppies. It’s the law.”

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“Whale Wars” detailed the efforts of a group of sea-hippies toothlessly trying to stop Japanese whaling efforts. Except now that Japan has suspended its whaling efforts, Animal Planet needs a new premise to film those ocean-faring hippies. Hence, a spin-off:

Tentatively titled The Faroe Islands Project, the show has the Sea Shepherds (including Capt. Paul Watson and Peter Hammarstedt) charting a course to the Danish Protectorate of the Faroe Islands, where there’s an annual hunt for pilot whales titled “The Grind.” In a practice going back to the first Norse settlements on the islands, an estimated 1,000 whales are corralled by local residents into the shallow coves to be killed. [EW]

What? “The Faroe Islands Project”? That’s a HUGE step down from “Whale Wars.” I could think of titles for “Whale Wars” spin-offs all day and never come up with something as dull as “The Faroe Islands Project.” Like “Man Vs Dolphin.” Or “Whale Hunting With the Stars.” “Project Blowhole.” “Jersey Shorca.” “So You Think You Can Echolocate.” “Big Blubber.” “America’s Next Top Narwhal.” “The Real Housewhales of Monterey Bay.” “License to Krill.” All these and more, this fall on the Whale Channel.

(thanks to Burnsy and Vince for helping with Whale Channel programming)

If Mike Tyson’s show about pigeons (“Taking on Tyson”) wasn’t enough for you, don’t worry, because Animal Planet has added another series to the “fading celebrities with birds” genre. It’s called “Heidi Fleiss: Prostitutes to Parrots,” and the show will be about the former Hollywood Madam’s dark art of turning hookers into macaws. No, not really.

“With her home covered in bird poop and monthly bills for the birds soaring into the thousands, the former madam must balance her need to tend to the birds at home with the necessity of leaving them to earn a living outside of it. With multiple businesses and jobs to focus on, Fleiss spends her days shuttling from the laundromat she owns, to the doggie daycare she is set to open. But, as the anxiety at being away from her birds increases, and the pressure to hire a staff to care for them rises, will the stress of life drive her back to drugs?” [EW]

Ooohhhh, I hope so!

Speaking of drugs, Heidi’s love of parrots — and love of meth — was documented in her appearance on “Celebrity Rehab,” where she admitted to Dr. Drew that she smoked meth just before coming to the show. Man, what a life she’s led. Hookers and parrots and prison and meth and assaulted by Tom Sizemore. That’s spicy livin’. I can’t say that I’ll ever like Heidi Fleiss, but she’s certainly not dull.

"Don't hold back, ladies. This is for posterity."

Lenni Todd, a 58-year-old news cameraman for Pittsburgh’s WTAE (an ABC affiliate), was arrested on misdemeanor sexual assault charges after he groped a woman under the guise of filming a story. What follows is the work of a horny criminal mastermind.

Officers said Todd arrived in a station vehicle and had equipment with company logos. However, police said they later learned Todd was off-duty at the time of the alleged incident.

Police said Todd lied to the woman, saying he was going to film her for a story and that part of the story would be shared with the Animal Planet network.

According to police documents, the woman said Todd placed his hand inside her shirt and then grabbed her bare buttocks. Todd is also accused of taking photographs as her shirt was lifted up and as her pants were pulled down. [WPXI]

Don’t take this the pervy way, but MAN do I wish I had been there. Not for the groping, but for that legendary ruse to fondle a woman. “Excuse me, ma’am? I’m from a local news affiliate, and Animal Planet wanted me to record some footage of me groping you. Now if you’ll just lift up your shirt…”

(thanks to Brent for the tip)