Too bad this didn't happen in 'The Piano', amirite?

People like vampires and gore and nudity, so it’s no surprise that HBO has ordered a fifth season of “True Blood,” AKA “Twilight for Sluts.” It will air next summer, because that’s the only season that normal people can justify watching it.

In an interview with EW earlier this year, [creator Alan] Ball said the show has “a lot of life in it.” “I love doing it and I don’t really have any plans of doing anything else right now,” Ball said. He also has plenty of material to cull from Harris’ book series. “She said there will be a total of 13 novels, and she’s publishing 10 or 11. If we did do 13 seasons I believe we would have to address why are the vampires aging.”

I like to make fun of “True Blood” because some of the accents are terrible, the stories are preposterous, and there are several characters so awfully written and acted that it makes the show hard to watch. But when you get down to nuts and bolts, this show is about blood and f*cking, and I respect that. I could never be against a show that’s so intent on showing tits and violence. I have principles, you know.

We’re still almost a month away from the Season 4 premiere of “True Blood,” and I’m already tired of all the promotion for the show. And you know what happens when I get bored: animals get Photoshopped into pictures.

Embedded below, you’ll find the first three minutes of the new season that was released through HBO Go, a scene so dull and preposterous — even for “True Blood” — that it seems like punishment for HBO Go subscribers. Sookie (Anna Paquin) is back in her little fairy world, and she bumps into the mind-reading guy she met in Dallas during Season 2, and then she hesitates to eat the glowing fruit and sees her grandpa Bill Lumberg. I am dumber for having watched it.

And just for good measure, I’ve also included the new posters for Season 4. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see that Lobster Dog, Fatcat, and Count Dogula have been added to the cast.

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Werewolves are notoriously fastidious about waxing their chests.

Below is a tease for the new season of “True Blood,” set to premiere June 26th. Judging by the snapshots the video delivers, Season 4 promises more of what has made the show such a success: sweaty naked bodies and vampire violence. It may be just a 30-second clip, but it’s a non-stop barrage of fangs and heaving bosoms and strippers and Sookie (Anna Paquin) delivering the smart-aleck lines that pass for quips on the show.

I can’t decide whether or not I’m looking forward to new episodes. On one hand, it’s a crappy soap that I’d never watch if it weren’t airing during the summer. On the other hand, SOOOO MUCH NUDITY. TV critics will complain about premium cable series like “Boardwalk Empire” and “Game of Thrones” showing too much nudity, but you never get that complaint with “True Blood.” That’s the whole point of the show. “True Blood” could dedicate 40 minutes an episode to softcore porn and sex dungeon scenes, and I’d still be like, “Eh, coulda used a little more nudity.”

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This Rolling Stone cover is all over the Internet, so I’m gonna hop on the bandwagon and pay attention to “True Blood” for a few minutes (more pictures below). There’s plenty to dislike about HBO’s bloody soap opera, from Sookie’s terrible accent to Bill’s terrible accent to Tara’s terrible accent, but credit where it’s due: there’s plenty of gore and sex, which at the very least makes it 800 times better than Twilight.

The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous, True Blood creator Alan Ball says. “To me, vampires are sex,” he says. “I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.”

On his show, every available orifice is used for intercourse: gay, straight, between humans and supernatural beings, and supernatural being on supernatural being, whether he be werewolf, dog or an enormous Minotaur-looking being called a maenad. [RS]

What a pervert. There are just no boundaries with those gays and their passion for interspecies sex. Although I have to admit, I found this scene pretty sexy:

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Predictably, HBO has renewed “True Blood” for a 4th season. It’s not exactly earth-shattering news, but it gives me an excuse to show this self-aware highlight from Sunday night, in which Anna Paquin imitates Stephen Moyer’s always-ridiculous delivery of the line “Sookie!” And that’s what I like about “True Blood” (besides the gratuitous sex) — it may be campy and stupid, but it does a pretty good job of acknowledging that it’s campy and stupid.

That said, we’re now two episodes into the new season, and Anna Paquin still hasn’t gotten naked. And it’s not like she’s some natural beauty like Scarlett Johansson who can captivate me when she’s wearing clothes. She’s like a stripper who wants to talk about her family. Shhhh, shhh… Let’s not ruin this with words, baby.

(video via BWE)